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His mom wasn’t faring too well, he explained, her stress and worry for her husband overcoming her. His dad, fortunately, was on the mend and expected to be discharged in a couple of days, but he would need a fair bit of help at home while he continued to recover.
The distance between us felt starkly real. I missed him like crazy, yet a part of me also felt relief. The delay in his return gave me a little more time to gather my thoughts, to decide how to tell him about the baby. But with each passing day, the secret felt heavier, like a lead ball in my stomach.
I contemplated asking for a quick call. There was so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to hear. I craved the sound of his voice, the reassurance it would bring. But something held me back, maybe fear or the recognition that he already had a lot on his plate. So instead, I stared at his email, my fingertips brushing over his written words on the screen as if I could somehow feel him through them.
With a sigh, I locked my phone and slid it into my pocket. I was back to the reality of running the OR and the excruciating waiting.
Later in the shift, I was sitting at my desk caught up in my new managerial duties, when the floodgates finally gave way. A sudden knot tightened in my throat, my eyes burned, and before I knew it, hot tears were spilling down my cheeks.
Goddamn hormones!
Suddenly, the door to my office creaked open and in walked Sally. I felt a lurch in my stomach at the thought of her seeing me in such a state, but before I could attempt to compose myself, she had already noticed the teary mess I was. Her eyes widened for a moment, then with a soft sigh, she quickly shut the door behind her and hurried over to me.
The sight of her, a mixture of concern and surprise etched on her face, only made my tears flow harder. She quietly placed her arms around me, an occasional whimper slipping past my lips or a sniffle from my nose. I could feel Sally's concern mixed with contemplation on what to say.
I had yet to learn how to navigate the new hormonal waters. The pregnancy had turned me into a sobbing mess, and to make matters worse, the one person I wanted to share the journey with was miles away, tending to his own family crisis.
I let out a shaky breath, trying to calm my racing heart.
"Alright, Jude. Out with it," Sally finally said, her eyes soft but insistent. I took a shuddering breath, wiped my tears away, and just let it all spill out.
"I'm pregnant," I blurted, letting the words hang in the air. "And... and Tony is in Spain. His dad had a heart attack and he won't be back until after Christmas."
Sally’s eyes flashed at the enormity of the news I’d just dumped on her. She kept one arm around me, gently rubbing my back.
"Oh, sweetie..." she said, but I didn't give her a chance to interject further.
"And I love him, Sal. I love him so much it hurts. He doesn't know about the baby, doesn't know about my feelings, and I don't know what the hell to do!"
The confession tumbled from my lips in a rush, my voice thick with emotion. I half-expected to feel relief after laying it all out there, but the knot in my chest didn't loosen. Sally was quiet for a moment, her eyes wide as she absorbed my confessions.
She let out a sigh, took my hands in hers and said, "Listen to me. You need to breathe. Yes, this is a lot to handle but panicking isn't going to help anyone, especially not you or your baby."
I nodded, trying to calm my racing heart, hanging onto her words like a lifeline.
"Three weeks isn't that long. Tony needs to be with his family right now, just like you need to take care of yourself and the baby. This isn't the right time to tell him about your pregnancy over an email, or even a phone call."
She paused, giving me a stern look. "You need to tell him face to face, Jude. He deserves to hear it directly from you, and you need to see his reaction. I know it's scary, and I can totally understand your need to have some help and companionship during all of this, but it's the right thing to do."
As I listened to Sally, I knew she was right. I needed to pull myself together and I needed to be patient.
I swallowed, forcing a nod. "You're right, Sal," I said, wiping at the remnants of my tears. "I need to wait. I need to tell Tony face to face.” A thought suddenly occurred to me. "But what about my parents?" I asked, recalling that they'd be landing in a couple of days for Christmas. I looked at Sally, my eyebrows shooting up as a wild thought struck me. "Do you think a grandchild would be a good Christmas gift?"
The question was out before I could second-guess it, a desperate attempt to inject humor into an emotionally draining conversation. I half-expected a chastising look from Sally but instead, she let out a bark of laughter that echoed around the room, her eyes twinkling with amusement.
"Well, my dear," she began, wiping a tear of laughter from the corner of her eye, "I don't think there's a grandparent in the world who wouldn't be thrilled to receive a present like that. But" she continued, her smile fading into a serious look, "you still need to tell Tony first."
Her words made sense. No matter how joyous the news might be for my parents, it was Tony's right as the father to know first. We laughed a little more at the thought of the dramatic Christmas reveal, and despite the heaviness in my heart, I felt a small sense of relief. There was a plan, however shaky, and that was something I could hold on to.
The rest of the day turned into a blur of laughter and tears, of fear and courage. As I closed up my office, I realized that, for the first time since the pregnancy test, I was genuinely smiling . I wasn't alone in this. I had support. I had a plan. And somehow, I was going to navigate through the chaos one day at a time.
Chapter 31
Jude
As the gray winter days continued to roll in, the emptiness of the house seemed to echo off the walls, a constant reminder of Tony's absence. Missing him was like a dull ache, a constant throb at the back of my mind. The usual comfort of my home was replaced with an unsettling quietness. Tony was thousands of miles away with his family and I was left to deal with the early stages of pregnancy in solitude. It was hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be.
Just as I was trying to get a grip on the physical changes, my phone buzzed with a text. A quick glance at the sender's name was enough to sour my already queasy stomach. Andrew. Of course. Because life had a wicked sense of humor.
