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“Holden?”
“Yeah, babe?” The endearment slipped out of his mouth without thought, and Holden was about to blame it on the drinks and apologize when Greg smiled. God, the man was gorgeous, and Holden couldn’t imagine how anyone could treat him as anything other than a precious gift to be treasured.
Greg seemed unsure as he stood there, hands twisted together. “Do you want to join me?”
“Is that what you want or what you think I want?” Holden knew he’d asked the right question when Greg smiled.
“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want it.”
“Then it would be my pleasure.” He watched Greg head back into the bathroom and began undoing the buttons on his shirt. He fumbled a bit, the alcohol making him clumsy.
He unzipped his pants and let them drop to the floor along with his briefs. His cock had thickened at Greg’s invitation, but he knew without having to ask that all he was being offered was a shower. Even though they’d kissed and touched a lot at the club, Greg’s body had remained unaroused.
The bathroom was already filled with steam by the time Holden entered. He knocked on the doorframe to let Greg know he was there and asked if he should keep the door open to let the steam escape.
“Close it,” Greg said from behind the shower curtain. “I like it, especially when it’s cold outside.” Holden was about to ask which side of the shower Greg wanted him on when Greg pulled the far side of the curtain away from the wall. “Get in,” he said, and Holden did as he’d been told.
Holden was beginning to realize that, at least as far as Greg was concerned, asexual did not equal submissive. Far from it, in fact. As soon as Holden was standing in the shower, Greg ran his soaped-up hands over Holden’s shoulders. The contact and the smooth glide over his skin made Holden’s cock stand fully erect, and he closed his eyes, letting Greg explore as much or as little as he wanted. He groaned as Greg’s fingers brushed over his pecs and then circled his nipples, flicking a fingernail across the sensitive tips.
“Do you like that?” Greg asked, his mouth close enough to Holden’s ear he felt the breath of Greg’s words, the warmth of Greg’s exhalation on his skin. Holden nodded helplessly, and Greg responded with a low and dirty chuckle that made his cock ache.
It had been months since someone had touched him like this—if anyone ever had—but Holden didn’t think deprivation was the only thing making his body come alive as Greg’s hands moved lower, lathering the soap in Holden’s chest hair, sliding across his belly, fingertips flirting with the line where his groin met his thighs.
“That okay?” Greg asked, and Holden nodded. “Tell me,” Greg said, the commanding tone making Holden’s eyes fly open as his entire body flooded with warmth. Greg was watching him, his expression focused and intense, those blue eyes like a summer sky.
“Blue sky,” Holden said, and Greg shook his head.
“Is that a safe word?” His hands slowed as they caressed Holden’s hips.
Holden laughed. “No. Your eyes. I’ve been trying to figure out what color they are since we met, and I finally did. Blue skies.”
“Don’t you mean sky blue?”
“Nope. That’s a particular color, but your eyes change the way a blue sky does depending on the weather and time of day.”
Greg’s hands resumed their intoxicating motions, and Holden leaned his head back against the wall of the shower, but something was off. In the club, Greg’s movements had been fluid, relaxed, but now they seemed almost robotic, rehearsed. Not that they didn’t feel good. On the contrary, between the buzz from the alcohol and the skilled way Greg handled his body, Holden felt amazing. His cock was rock hard, and he wanted to feel Greg’s hands working him over, but…
When he looked at Greg, he saw the detachment in his expression, the vacant gaze, the clenched lips. He wasn’t happy, wasn’t enjoying this. Holden could have been any body in that shower, and the thought filled him with dread that Greg wasn’t doing this because of desire but because of expectation. Holden’s expectations. He may have told Greg he wasn’t assuming sex was a given and a quick fuck wasn’t on his agenda, but Greg’s history told him the opposite was true. Just as Holden’s history had informed his reaction to Greg’s HIV status, Greg was reacting out of what he’d learned from the guys he’d been with before Holden.
Holden reached down and took hold of Greg’s hands, stilling them and drawing them upward so they were clasped between their bodies.
“Don’t you want me to touch you?” Greg asked.
“Not like this.” Holden searched Greg’s expression. “Look at me,” he said softly. “Please.” When Greg lifted his gaze, his eyes were the blue of a clouded sky, troubled, unsure. “Is this what you want?” he asked.
“I told you—” Greg’s body had gone tense, and he wouldn’t meet Holden’s gaze.
“I know. But I also know everything else you’ve told me, so I’m asking again. Is this what you want? Because I only want this if you want it, too. It has to be both of us. Not you assuming this is what I expect.” Greg still wouldn’t look at him, so he gathered their hands closer, and nuzzled Greg’s cheek with his nose. “Do I want it?” he whispered. “Yes.” Holden smiled and was gratified to feel Greg relax. “But only if you do, too. So I need you to tell me if you do.”
Greg let out a long breath and dropped his head forward. “I’m not a tease,” he said.
“I didn’t think you were.”
“I like touching. I like giving my partner pleasure, and I like kissing. I wouldn’t have asked you to shower with me, if I didn’t want this. But, you’re right. Part of me asked because I thought I should.”
“I don’t want you to ever do that with me.” Holden let go with one hand and used it to raise Greg’s chin so he could get the man to look at him. “That I want you is a given. Don’t doubt that. But we have to figure each other out, learn each other’s cues, and that’s going to take time.” Holden knew what he was saying sounded a lot like he wanted something longer term, and the thought startled him, but then gave way to a feeling of rightness. He did want something more with Greg. Even if it only lasted until he had to leave Colorado, he didn’t want to be one more uncaring asshole in Greg’s life. “Can you be honest with me about what you want?”
When Greg nodded, he let go with his other hand and drew Greg into an embrace.
