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“Miller,” he snaps. “Trust me. There are ways to deal with that. For now—just keep your damn mouth shut.” He turns to leave but pauses, looking back over his shoulder. “For both our sakes, Agent Miller, I suggest you keep this between us.”
I open my mouth to respond, then think better of it. His advice to me is against all guidelines and protocols—but can I really report him for a breach of ethics when I’m the one who crossed the line? That would be hypocrisy in its purest form.
Slowly, I nod. “I understand, sir.”
He gives a curt nod and walks away to the rest of the team, who are already bickering among themselves. I remain fixed in place, their muted chatter fading as I think back over the night.
Alone with my thoughts, the day’s events press down on me. I’m drowning in an ocean of regret, ethical dilemmas, misplaced desire. I replay everything, analyzing each choice, every mistake, searching for the exact moment when I lost my way—not tonight, but long before.
Was it when I first refused a wire? When I failed to disclose my knowledge of Alessa’s safe house? When I gave in to a reckless moment of passion?
Or was my fate sealed from the very start, when I accepted this assignment? When I agreed to exploit my own sexuality to achieve my mission?
I’ve ruined everything. My case, my career, my integrity. Worst of all, I’ve lost any chance of a future with Alessa. Though we always had the odds stacked against us, at least before tonight there had been hope. The faintestglimmerof possibility.
Hearing that she was trying to outplay the Mancini Family made me think, ridiculously, that maybe there was a chance for us. She could get out—I could get out, too, find a desk job somewhere—
But it was foolishness.
Alessa’s green eyes will never again look at me with anything but contempt and bitterness.
I am the enemy now.
I give my debrief in a monotone, and finally, halfway to morning, I accept a lift back home from Evelyn Chang, who is the only one who doesn’t look at me like I’ve fucked everything up.
Sheshould. God knows. But she just reminds me carefully that I’m still holding on to the wire I pulled off my body. I hand it over, and she puts it away, marking it off on inventory.
She gives me a quick side-hug as we walk over to her car. She lives out in Queens, too, so she’ll be taking me back to my real apartment.
My real life.
“It will be okay,” she whispers.
No, it won’t. But I’m still grateful for the kindness of the lie.
CHAPTER26
NATALIE
I zip up my small suitcase and do one final sweep of the expansive Park Avenue apartment. The last few weeks here felt like living in a luxury hotel. But now all the surveillance equipment has been removed, the fashionable clothes and shoes have been reclaimed. Aside from the furniture, the place is empty. A far cry from the bustling hub it was just days ago when it served as one of our headquarters for the operation against Alessa.
Alessa.
My heart still squeezes painfully every time I think her name.
So much has happened in the last few days, it’s hard to process it all. After my cover was spectacularly blown at the Ruby Realm, I endured endless debriefings with Bell and the rest of the team. They grilled me for every detail, wanting to know when she might have started suspecting.
I don’t know. I’m not sure what tipped her off, not really.
My dreams are still haunted by her. By the way she whispered my name, her fingers tangling possessively in my hair. I can almost feel her silken skin pressed against mine when I close my eyes, her lips exploring my body…
An FBI team raided the Ruby, hoping to find the hidden casino. They made it down to the basement, but all that was there was a bar area by then. I have to admit, I’m impressed by how quickly Alessa had the games and tables dismantled and removed. She doesn’t waste time, that’s for sure.
Despite my role in taking her down, part of me still admires her. Not that I’d ever admit it to Bell or the others.
I’ve also had a few sessions with Kris Hays, the psychologist assigned to help me process this intense undercover operation. But I haven’t told her the extent of my relationship with Alessa. Haven’t told anyone how I’ve never wanted someone the way I wanted her. The way Istillwant her. It terrifies me even as it thrills me.
So I lie. I deflect. Pretend, even to myself, that it was all just part of the act, a means to an end.
