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But it was so much more than that. Every stolen moment we shared crackles in my memory, as vivid as a live wire. I ache for her like a vital organ has been ripped from my body, leaving me hollow and breathless.
I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings for her with my oath as an agent. The only way forward is to shut it down. Bury it deep where no one can ever dig it up again.
Easier said than done when she still haunts me.
Which is why I’m terrified she’ll use our relationship against me if I stay with the Bureau. One whisper in the wrong ear and I’d be finished.
So I plan to resign. But I want to let things settle before I do.
Lost in thought, I flinch when I hear footsteps approaching. My gun is in my hand before I even think.
“Whoa, easy there cowboy!” Sam throws up his hands, looking ridiculously out of place in his cheap grey suit against the luxurious surroundings. “Just me.”
I instantly relax my white-knuckle grip, feeling foolish for being so twitchy. “Sorry. I guess I’m still wired from...everything.”
He eyes my holstered weapon warily. “Remind me not to sneak up on you anytime soon.”
I force a tight smile. “Lesson learned.”
“I don’t blame you for being jumpy,” he says, glancing around the cavernous space. “It’s been one hell of a ride these last few months.”
“You can say that again.” I tuck my gun back into its holster, regarding him warily. Ever since that night he cornered me outside Alessa’s townhouse, things have been strained between us. His demeanor today lacks its usual bite, though.
“Listen, Natalie...” He shoves his hands in his pockets, staring at the floor. “I owe you an apology. I’ve been kind of a dick lately. Guess this case just got to me, you know?”
I’m taken aback by his sudden remorse. Sam isn’t one for heartfelt atonements. But I know better than anyone that an undercover op can mess with your head.
“It’s okay,” I say. “I think it got to all of us in different ways. But it’s over now.”
“Yeah. But I know I was too hard on you. Rode your ass about getting closer to the target.” He scratches his bristly chin. “I just want you to know, I didn’t mean to...imply anything, you know, untoward.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I reply quickly. “Let’s just put it behind us.”
He looks relieved. “So...we’re good?”
I summon the ghost of a smile. “We’re good.”
A lie, of course. But smoothing things over serves me better than holding a grudge. Even if I do plan to resign, I’d like to know what’s going on with the case against Alessa. And Bell has cut me out completely, issuing me two weeks’ leave with full pay, under the guise of recovering from a tough undercover stint.
“What do you say we grab some drinks later?” Wright asks. “Decompress a little?”
Inside, I die at the thought of pretending everything’s fine over beers and chicken wings. But I need to keep my avenues open.
“Sure, that sounds nice.” I force enthusiasm into my voice. “Why don’t you pick me up from my place later? I’ll text you the address.”
He raises an eyebrow. “You moving out already?”
“Sure am. That’s what I was doing here today. Once I wrap things up here, I’m headed back to Queens.”
“Ah, that’ll be tough after living like this.”
“I’m looking forward to it.”
“Really?” He looks genuinely surprised. Can’t blame him. After watching me living the high life these past few weeks, willingly returning to my cramped apartment must seem odd.
But I crave the familiar. And I need space to think, away from the pressures and politics of the job. A place where I can shed this fake skin and be myself.
“I just need some time, you know?” I say. “Get my bearings again.”
