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"You're not the first one to lose someone, you insensitive pendejo," she says, her biting words meant to strike hard before she storms out.
Her words bite. Too much.
I wonder how much lower I can sink.
Chapter Thirty-two
MONIKA
Waking up today was easy. Looking forward to seeing Vic at school made me jump out of bed and forget the aches in my joints. Since Trey died, everything has been screwed up. Having Vic back at school will bring some normalcy to life--at least that's what I've been telling myself.
I pull into the school parking lot and, with a fresh spring in my step, walk to the senior hallway.
"Hey," I say to Ashtyn and Derek, who are sitting in front of their lockers.
Ash looks up at me. "You're smiling."
"I know."
She nudges Derek. "Do you see that? My best friend is happy today."
Derek nods. "Yep. I see it." He sounds unsure when he looks up at me. "Congratulations?" Ash whacks him in his arm, and he shrugs. "Sorry, I don't know what to say."
Ash rolls her eyes and stands. "Guys are clueless." She hooks her arm around mine. "I'm glad you're doing better," she says. "I was worried about you. You don't call me back, and whenever you text me it's so short."
"I know. I'm sorry."
She shoos away my words with a wave of her hand. "Don't be sorry, Monika. I've been conflicted on whether or not I should push you to do stuff or leave you alone. We all miss Trey--and Vic."
Ashtyn and Vic are good friends on and off the football field. I know it's been hard for her not having him around. Trey's death left a void in our group of friends. The fact that Vic left has made life unbearable, which is why it's so important that he comes back.
I can't hold in the news any longer. "Vic's coming back to school today," I tell her.
Ash's eyes go wide. "What? Are you sure? How do you know?" Her questions come out fast, like bullets flying out of a machine gun.
"I talked to him."
"On the phone?"
I shake my head. "No. I saw him."
"You saw him? Where?"
"In Fairfield," I tell her, then add, "at Enrique's Auto Body."
"So he actually told you he's coming back?"
I nod. "Yep. He promised."
But by third period, Vic still hasn't shown up.
By sixth period, he hasn't shown up.
By seventh period, I get upset because it's obvious he's a no-show.
By ninth period, I'm pissed.
After school, I head to cheerleading practice. I've missed so many practices, but I know that Bree is covering for me.
I find her on the grassy area by the bleachers, warming up with the rest of the squad.
"Wow. I didn't think you'd be here," Bree says when I walk up to her.
I shed my hoodie and drop my water bottle on the grass. "I didn't want to miss more practice."
Bree looks confused. "We expected you to take more time off, Monika."
"Well I'm here."
The girls are silent now, all eyes on me. I look at the varsity squad and notice that they're all in formation. And Cassidy Richards is standing in my place.
"What's going on?"
"Cassidy's filling in for you," Bree explains. "Until you come back."
"I am back."
"No. I mean... for sure. But you missed practices the past couple of weeks, and since we didn't know if you were coming back, we made this new routine up and..." She smiles wide, and her ponytail whips around her face. "You should watch it! It's really cool. Cassidy went to some cheer camp in California for spring break last year, and they taught her a bunch of stuff that she shared with us."
"That's awesome," I say, forcing the words out of my mouth. "I can't wait to see it."
A cry of relief breaks from her lips. "Oh, that's great! Okay, you sit right there," she says excitedly, pointing to a spot on the ground. "We'll do the routine, and you watch. You're gonna think it's the coolest!"
I sit on the grass and watch the routine to new music I haven't heard before, then a complicated F formation with really cool movements to match the steps.
Truth is, Cassidy does a great job. And I can feel my arthritis more now. I massage my wrists hoping to relieve the constant ache.
"Wow," is all I can say when the routine is over.
Bree claps a bunch of times at the girls--and herself. "So you like it, Monika? It's awesome, isn't it?"
I nod, my neck feeling heavy and stiff. "It's really awesome."
Bree isn't the kind of girl to be subtle, and now is no exception. She's totally preoccupied with herself. She's one of my best friends, but sometimes I wonder if our friendship would fade away if I weren't co-captain of the cheer squad. "I was thinking we shouldn't do it at the pep rally, but instead wait to do it at the next game during halftime." She kneels beside me. "Of course we'll teach you the routine so you can take Cassidy's place. Unless you want to give her the spotlight since you've missed so much--"
"For sure," I tell her, cutting her off. I pretend like it's no big deal. "Cassidy's doing a great job. She should be up front and take the lead."
"Really?" Cassidy's eyes go all wide, and her hands fly to her mouth like she just won the lottery. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah." I'm not lying when I add, "I mean, you guys look amazing. Bree's right. If it's okay with everyone, I'm gonna bow out and let you guys finish up the season."
"You want to quit the squad?" Bree asks.
I nod. "Yeah." I actually don't want to quit, but it's obvious I've been replaced and nobody expects me to cheer again this year.
I watch them for a little while longer, feeling like a relative nobody wants around anymore. When they all go inside to cool down, I take my water bottle and slip back into my hoodie.
I always thought I had life all figured out.
Turns out I was wrong.
Chapter Thirty-three
VICTOR
I hate myself for missing Trey's funeral.
I couldn't deal with the crowds of people who'd pay their respects to a guy who was our hometown hero. He was on track to be valedictorian, to go to some Ivy League school, and make something of himself. The people of Fremont would always be able to remind themselves that greatness comes from Fremont.
Well, now Trey is gone.
The only thing I'll remind Fremont of is a loser kid who was responsible for their hometown hero's death.
That's the legacy I've left there.
I've tried to avoid going to the cemetery because seeing Trey's grave means that all this is real. When I lie on Isa's couch, I can tell myself that the outside world doesn't exist. When I'm sleeping, I can escape reality and be oblivious to the fact that my life crumbled beneath my feet.
But when my eyes are open, nightmares come crashing down on me.
I can't delay the reality of Trey's death any longer. Ignoring the fact that my best friend is six feet under is another clue that I'm subhuman, not worthy of living on the same air that Trey should be living on right now.
I miss him so fucking much.
After I shower and change into clean clothes, I leave Isa's and drive to the cemetery. I'm shaking the entire time, my insides feeling like jelly. I don't want to face the reality of my friend dying. The fact that I did it to him is just... I can't do this.
But I have to.
For Trey.
I might not have any dignity left, but I have respect for my best friend. Visiting his grave is the least I can do.
It's not hard to find Trey's gravesite. A ton of flowers surrounds the mound of dirt still marking the place where they lowered his casket. When I catch sight of a small wooden temporary marker with the name TREY AARON MATTHEWS, my eyes start to water.
I walk up to the grave, and a wave of emotions comes over me. Shit. There's a damn lump in my throat that won't go away, no matter how many times I swallow. This is fucking hard. Reality fucking sucks. I hate this.
I bow my head.
What do I say? Do I just start talking to him?
"Hey, man," I mumble as I swipe a tear away.
