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I keep walking toward my car. Vic is close behind. I can feel the electricity in the air between us. "I don't want to talk to you."
"Why? Because you don't want to hear the truth? You're so good at keeping secrets, Monika. Too good. Stop hiding behind your fears and be real with me. I want to make sure you're okay from the other night." He clears his throat. "I was kind of an asshole, and well, I just wasn't prepared for what happened. And hell, maybe the entire thing was too real. But I want to talk about it."
"I don't want to talk about it. It's fine," I say as a lump forms in my throat. I want to scream out the truth, that I've fallen madly, deeply in love with him. When I gave myself to him physically the other night, I also gave him my heart.
But I'm too much of a coward to tell him I love him.
"You sure?" he asks.
"It was no big deal."
The truth is, it was a big deal. I wanted to be held and told I was cared for. Maybe I even wanted to be told he loved me. I should be over it, but I've been an emotional wreck ever since.
"I've been thinkin' a lot, and I'm sorry," he says. "You deserved better than that."
"Apology accepted," I say, my lips in a tight thin line. I need to protect myself from the pain I'm feeling. Maybe if I lie to him, the pain in my heart will magically disintegrate. "Now go away. I don't want to have anything to do with you."
He shoves his hands in his pockets and steps away from me. "Do you really mean that? Because I have a lot of other stuff to say to you."
No. "Yes, I mean it. Leave me alone." I'm scared he'll tell me that everything that happened between us was a mistake. I can't handle hearing that now.
"Okay. I get it." He takes another step away from me. "Bye, Monika. I won't bother you ever again."
I swallow the lump in my throat and say, "Good."
Chapter Fifty-one
VICTOR
"Are you aware that it's four-fucking-thirty in the morning?" Isa asks me as she walks down to the shop in her pajamas and sees me working on one of the cars.
"Yep."
"Why? I heard noise down here, and I knew it was you. You have a distinct way of not being quiet when you're workin' on cars. Mainly it's the music you listen to, Vic. It's loud."
"It makes me pumped."
"Can you go to sleep now and get pumped at seven? Or six, even?"
"Nah. I've got energy now."
She shakes a finger at me. "Take your energy somewhere else until seven."
"We have business, Isa," I tell her. "If we're gonna expand, we need to get shit done."
She blinks in shock. "Who are you, and what did you do with my cousin Vic?"
"Very funny."
"Why are you suddenly a go-getter?" she asks, but then she nods slowly as if turning on a light bulb in her head. "It's because of Monika, isn't it?"
"I don't know what you're talkin' about."
"I'll pretend I believe you," Isa says. "Pretending has been the theme in my life lately." She heads back upstairs. "You want some coffee?"
"Nah." I wipe my hands on a shop cloth. "I'm gonna go talk to Coach Dieter. And some other people."
"Okay, well, I'm going back to bed."
"Get up and make sure this place keeps runnin'."
"Fuck that. I need my beauty sleep." She turns around before entering her apartment. "To be honest, I'm glad you finally snapped out of whatever hell you were living in."
"Yeah. Me too."
Escaping Fremont because of Trey's death didn't help anyone, including me.
It's time to fix everything, even if it means sticking my tail between my legs. Before I can fix everything with Monika, I need to fix myself.
And going back home is the only way to do that.
When I walk up to Fremont High at six, I feel like a stranger. I haven't been here in weeks, but it feels like forever. Looking over at the football field makes me itch to put on gear and play.
I knew Dieter would be in early, like always. "Hey, Coach," I say as I knock on the open door to his office.
He puts down the papers in his hand and looks at me as if he's staring at a ghost.
He doesn't say anything, so I walk farther into his office. "I wanted to talk to you." I think back to that day on the field, the day my best friend died. "I, um..."
Tears start forming in my eyes. Fuck.
I wipe them away with the back of my hand.
"Sit down, Vic." He stands and closes the door.
When he's back in his chair, I say what I came here to say. It's so hard to get the words out. "I'm sorry for what I did to Trey. I'm so sorry. I... I... I didn't mean to let you down, Coach. If I didn't go after him so hard, he'd be alive. I screwed up and ruined this team."
My tears are flowing now.
I can't help it.
This man in front of me has been more of a father to me than my own blood. When I needed tough love, for over three years he gave it to me without insulting me or trashing me.
"Look at me, Victor."
I do. I'd do anything for this man, who gives up so much of his own life for his players.
"It wasn't your fault," Dieter says, his eyes full of compassion. "Trey died of a heart attack."
"If it weren't for me comin' after him so hard..." My voice trails off, because I don't want to say it out loud.
"Vic, listen to me and listen good because I'm only gonna say this once. Trey died because of choices he made. Bad choices. I can't go into details because it's confidential information and Trey was still a minor." He looks at me with a straight face. "But he would've died whether or not you made that hit. Do you understand what I'm telling you, son?"
His words sink in. Trey was on some kind of drugs and his body failed him. I know other guys talk about it from other schools, but I never in a million years thought my best friend would take drugs. Monika was right. Trey kept secrets even from me.
I nod. "Yes, sir. I understand."
The sound of players coming in the locker room echoes through the walls.
"I've got to get to practice." Dieter holds out his hand for me to shake. "It was nice seeing you again, Victor. I'm really glad you came, and if you need anything I'm here for you. Don't be a stranger."
He's dismissing me.
"I'm coming back to school," I tell him.
"That's good news. Glad to hear it."
His hand is still held out, waiting for me to shake it. I don't.
"I want to play again, Coach. I want to prove to you and my teammates that I didn't abandon them."
He rubs his chin. "You're behind in school, Vic. I don't know if the administration will let you play. Besides, we're on a big losing streak. You might not want to play for me anymore."
With renewed energy, I stand. "I'm gonna play for you, Coach, even if I have to beat the crap out of every single administrator to do it." When he raises a brow I add, "Just kiddin'. I'm gonna make this happen. I promise. We're gonna win state. I promise, Coach. I can help the team. I know it."
I shake Dieter's hand vigorously, noting the triumphant smile on his face.
"Welcome back, Salazar."
Chapter Fifty-two
MONIKA
Vic said I keep too many secrets from everyone. I hide who I really am from everyone, even my best friends.
I lie awake in my room and stare at the ceiling, wondering how many other teens are like me. I hide things to protect myself.
I don't want to hide anymore. Maybe being vulnerable, the way I felt when I was with Vic the other night, should be the goal. Being vulnerable made me open up and be real. I don't want to hide behind secrets anymore, whether they're Trey's or mine or Vic's.
