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The three-year anniversary party is in three days, and I’m feeling sick over it. I’m not only nervous about the event itself but also because I’m holding out hope thattheywill be there.
To be honest, I have no idea what to say. Or do. I don’t know how to make it right or prove to them that I was wrong and fucked up.
I need to suck it up, swallow my pride, and grovel my ass off, as Emerson suggested. But…I’m scared. Terrified. What if it doesn’t work? What if they use their good judgment to never forgive me? I don’t deserve to be forgiven, not just like that. I fucked up. I obliterated Jade’s feelings to protect my own, and it doesn’t matter how sick I am over missing them. If I don’t make things right, then they will move on, living happily ever after, and I’ll be stuck here alone. I can’t bear the thought of getting my hopes up only to be disappointed again.
“I brushed my teeth. See?” Jack is standing in the doorway to the laundry room in nothing but his dinosaur underwear, his hair still wet from the bath. He’s wearing a bright, cheesy grin as he shows me his sparkling white teeth—or what he has left of them. The front two came out on the same day last week, and I can’t get over how cute he looks when he smiles.
Of course, it was bittersweet. Because we both wanted to share the news with Clay. He begged me to call him, send him pictures, and invite him over.
But because I’m a monster, I couldn’t.
I shake off the sadness and give him a warm smile. “Good job, buddy.” Then I grab the freshly folded pj’s off the dryer and walk him back to his room.
“Arms up,” I say as I slide Jack’s pajamas over his head, putting one arm in each sleeve.
“Will Madison still come over for bedtime?” he asks as I ruffle his hair.
“Sometimes,” I reply as I pull back the covers on his bed. “But I’ll work during the day more. Which means I can be home for dinner and bedtime more.”
He’s wearing an excited grin as he crawls under the covers. “I like Madison, but I like when you put me to bed.”
“Me too, buddy,” I say, kissing his head. “What book should we read tonight?”
“The monster truck one,” he replies with a yawn.
“Again?” I feign annoyance.
“Again.”
Crawling into his tiny bed next to him, I lean against the headboard as I open the book and start reading. I could probably recite the whole thing at this point. Only a couple of pages in, he stops me.
“Mama?”
I pause reading. “Yes, buddy?”
“Is Clay coming back?”
My body tenses at the mention of his name. “Umm…I don’t know, buddy.”
“What about Jade?” he asks.
“I don’t know.”
“Why not?” he asks. “Can’t they come over now that you’ll be home? They can come for dinner!”
I let out a sigh. It’s been two weeks since the incident at Clay’s house. I have to work up the nerve to reach out to them, but I won’t do it until I have something to show. What good is trying again if nothing has changed?
But change is hard. And I don’t know if I’m ready.
I nuzzle closer to Jack, lying on his pillow next to him. “You really love Clay, don’t you?” I ask.
His tiny fingers play with the strands of my hair on his pillow. “Yes. Don’t you, Mama?”
I swallow, but I hesitate with my answer. Love is so complicated. How can I possibly make a seven-year-old understand?
“Yeah, I do,” I reply.
“Then he should come over.”
