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“It’s not that simple,” I reply with a hint of despondence in my voice.
“Did you have a fight?” he asks, and my eyes dart over to his face. “Just say you’re sorry and that you love him, and then him and Jade can come over for movie night.”
How simple children are. Why can’t adults be like this? Apologize. Love. Be happy. Like it’s all that easy. I wish it were.
But instead, we have to deal with things like insecurity, fear, and trauma that seem to make simple things like love and forgiveness impossible.
Before I know it, I feel a tear slipping down the side of my face.
“What’s wrong, Mama?” Jack whispers as he nuzzles himself closer, wrapping his tiny arms around my neck.
“Nothing, buddy,” I reply softly. “I just get scared sometimes.”
His tiny hand is gently petting my shoulder in his own little way of comforting me, and it makes my tears flow even more.
“What are you scared of?” he asks with a wrinkle between his tiny brows.
“I get scared when things change,” I reply.
It’s been me and Jack for so long, and I know at the end of the day, that is why I pushed Clay away. I can claim it was for Jack’s safety or my being protective of him, but I know the real reason is that bringing someone else into our lives would mean that it’s no longer just me and my son. Our tiny world would change, and that’s terrifying.
I sniffle as Jack leans in, pressing his little mouth against my cheek in a sweet kiss. Then he wraps his arms around my neck as he whispers, “It’s okay, Mama. I’ll protect you.”
I let out a small laugh as more tears fall. Gathering him up, I hold him close to my side.
“Thank you, buddy,” I reply.
We lie there for a while as I let my tears dry. In my mind, I’m rehearsing everything I’ll need to say to Clay and Jade if I ever want them to forgive me. Before long, I hear Jack’s tiny little snores.
Reaching over to his bedside table, I click his lamp off. But instead of crawling out of his bed to go to mine, I pull his covers over both of us, and I pull my phone out of my pocket.
I’ve composed this text a hundred times in the last two weeks. I can’t seem to ever get it right. But if I don’t send it, then they’ll never know how I feel. And maybe Jack’s right. It is that simple.
I’m sorry.
It’s not some eloquent statement, but it’s the only true thing I can say at the moment. I am sorry.
I just hope it’s enough.
When there is no response after fifteen minutes, I close my eyes next to Jack in his little bed.
Before I drift off, I realize that I will never, ever be able to prevent things from changing in my son’s life. And I think when I built this life for us, I did so thinking that it was something I could promise him forever, but it’s not. There are no promises or guarantees.
Jack has people who love him and want to be in his life.
There are people who lovemeand want to be inmylife.
And for some reason, I’ve been living in so much fear that I deprived us both of that love.
But not anymore.
Rule #47: It’s never a bad time to respond to a text.
Jade
I wake to the feel of soft hands drifting up my thigh. A smile creeps across my face when I feel his breath against my ear and his stiff erection grinding against my ass.
Who knew morning sex would be so amazing?
