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Because that was what it had become. Silas didn’t know it, but this onstage thing between us had blossomed into something toxic. I’d come to both treasure and hate his touch. It was a taunt of what I so desperately wanted but could never have.
“You need to say something,” Luca continued. “Silas wouldn’t touch you like that if he knew how it made you feel.”
Like I’m drowning and flying. A contradiction of living and dying.
My fingers itched for a pen, but I’d written enough songs about Silas. I had notebooks crammed full of lyrics that would never see the light of day. I didn’t need to add another to my collection.
Luca had worked for months to convince me to show the label “Night’s Darkest Secret.” When I’d relented, a small hidden part of me had hoped Silas would hear it and realise what it was about. Who it was for.
But no. My oldest friend had remained as oblivious as ever. Even when I stood on that stage and sang the lyrics into his ear, desperately praying he’d realise what was going on…he was clueless.
Maybe that was a good thing. Silas was straight. Despite how he behaved with me on stage, he’d never shown any interest in me or any other man.
Women, however…he showedplentyof interest in them. While on tour, he bedded a different girl every night. It had got to the point where I’d quietly requested to be roomed on another floor.
It was one thing to imagine how he might sound when he came. It was something else entirely to hear him do it and know someone else was the reason.
“I can’t,” I replied in answer to Luca’s earlier question. “He’d be so hurt.”
“Not if he knows how it’s making you feel.”
I swallowed my drink in a single gulp. “I’m not telling him.”
Luca opened his mouth to argue back, but Arlo cut him off. “Luca, leave it.”
He raised an eyebrow at our curly-haired drummer. “Don’t say you agree with him.”
Arlo sighed, tapping his fingers on his thighs. “Look, I’m not saying this situation is healthy. But Kai knows what he’s doing…right?”
He looked at me, and I nodded. “Yeah. I know Silas doesn’t actually feel anything romantic for me. I know this is all just an act.”
“But that’s what I don’t understand.” Luca paced in frustration. “If you know all that, why keep doing it?”
“Because it’s better than having nothing at all,” I exploded.
Luca faltered, his hand rubbing over his stubble as he slumped against the wall. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Arlo sighed. “He’s going to get hurt regardless, Luca.”
I winced but didn’t deny it. I’d resigned myself to heartbreak a long time ago. Pretty much from the moment I’d confessed my sexuality to Silas. He’d been supportive. Kind. Everything I’d expected.
But you know what didn’t happen? He didn’t let out a breath and tell me he was too. That he was in love with me.
So, yes. Heartbreak was inevitable. It happened every day.
To me. It happened every dayto me. Every time I saw him give that easy grin to another. Every time his eyes sparkled and laughter bubbled from his chest. Every time he casually brushed against me, not knowing I yearned for his every touch.
“Silas doesn’t feel the same way. I’d rather have him in my life than not at all.”
Luca’s face softened with pity. “I hate seeing you like this.”
I bowed my head. I knew that. He’d told me many times before, but what could I do? I wouldn’t risk my friendship with Silas. It was literally the most important thing to me. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Arlo got to his feet. Crossing the room, he wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed.
I put down my glass with a chuckle, embracing him back. He was so much smaller than me that I could’ve probably wrapped my arms around two of him. “What’s this for?”
“Because you’re a fucking idiot.” He sighed. “But I know a lot about fucking idiots.”
