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“I mean…you did kiss him.”
“I know.” I leaned my head against my hand. “But it can’t have been that. He’d already arranged to leave.”
Arlo was quiet. “Kai is gay.”
I looked up at Arlo in confusion. “Yeah…and?”
Arlo bit his lip like he was trying to figure out how to phrase it. “He’s gay, Silas. He’s attracted to men. How do you think he feels with you grinding up against him every night?”
I bit my lip, not wanting to admit that I’d been wondering the same thing after watching videos of us back. But that was because he was uncomfortable, not because he was attracted to me. “It’s different with me. Kai doesn’t see me like that.”
Arlo sighed, and the look he shot me was so reminiscent of the one Ruby had given me that I flinched. “What if he did?”
Four little words. That was all they were.
But they changed everything.
First, Ruby had hinted at it, and now Arlo.
If Kai had feelings for me…fuck. How long had he felt this way? Was this a new thing?
Suddenly, I saw everything through a different lens. The fact it was always me who initiated our contact on stage. How Kai would always shut down whenever I got chatting to a girl. The fact he refused to room on the same floor as me…
No. It wasn’t possible.
Because if it was…
If it was…
Fuck. I had to have been crushing him over and over again.
“Huh, I can almost see your head exploding,” Arlo said, patting my knee.
“Why the fuck didn’t any of you say anything?”
“Wasn’t our place,” Arlo said, spinning the ball. “I probably wouldn’t have said anything at all if I hadn’t seen the way you kissed him back on stage.”
My voice came out as a whisper. “What do you mean?”
“That wasn’t an act. You kissed him like he mattered.”
Okay, I officially had a headache. “Fuck, I don’t know what to think. Am I even into men?”
Arlo snorted. “Oh my god, there was me thinking I wouldn’t have any advice for you, but it turns out I do.”
I looked at him helplessly. “Yeah? What?”
“Go home and watch some gay porn.”
I goggled at him. “How’s that supposed to help?”
Arlo smirked. “Well, either you’ll get hard…or you won’t. At least you’ll have your answer.”
I didn’t respond. Of all the things Arlo could’ve suggested, this one actually seemed sensible. “And if I don’t?”
“Then maybe this break is the best thing for you both,” Arlo said softly. “If you can’t be what Kai needs, you need to step back and let him live his life.”
I rubbed my chest. “I can’t imagine going on like this, Arlo. It fucking hurts.”
