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Arlo’s gaze drifted over to our guards. “I know it feels like that now, but you can. Even if it feels impossible, you’ll get through it.”
I studied our drummer. Just how much pain was he hiding from us?
Caffeine Daydreams might be a huge success, but if we didn’t start dealing with our shit, we would collapse at the seams.
Mylaptopwasopento my preferred porn site. A bottle of lube sat beside it.
All I needed to do was click on the right category.
But I couldn’t seem to do it.
And not for the reasons you might think. Not because I was worried about finding that it did turn me on.
Because I was scared it wouldn’t.
I wasn’t saying I wanted to leap into a full-on relationship with Kai. Of course I wasn’t. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought that far ahead.
But I knew without question that I didn’t want this space between us to last. I couldn’t go on hurting Kai, even if it was unintentional.
Arlo was right. I needed to use this time to figure out what I wanted. If what he was hinting at was true—if Kai wanted to be with me in a way that was far from platonic—I needed to decide what I wanted.
Because if I didn’t want Kai in the same way he wanted me…I needed to back away.
Even if it might kill me.
Judging by the kiss we’d shared, all signs pointed to yes. The increasingly sexual dreams I’d had about him were also a massive tick in that column.
I had to know though. Taking a deep breath, I moved the cursor to the categories section and changed it from ‘All’ to ‘Gay.’
The new page loaded, and I was almost instantly bombarded with various options.Group. Public. Bears. Twinks. Daddy.
Thanks to my other bandmates, I knew enough to understand what I was looking at. But where did I even start?
I scrolled through the endless thumbnails, my knee bouncing under the table. Should I watch someone going at it solo? Or was it better to find a couple?
This wasn’t going to work. I was overthinking it too much. I was about to close the screen when my attention caught on one particular image. Two men locked in a passionate embrace.
Two men…who strongly resembled Kai and me.
Taking a deep breath, I clicked on it.
The scene opened with the men furiously making out. There was no build-up, no clumsy attempt at a storyline. The Kai lookalike had the blond guy pushed up against the wall. One of his hands was between them. The camera angle was a bit awkward, but from how his arm muscles flexed, I knew what he was doing.
Fuck,I thought as my cock hardened rapidly. Eyes glued to the screen, I lubed my hand and wrapped it around my shaft.
“You gonna take my cock, baby?” Not-Kai murmured.
“Yes.” I found myself moaning along with the bloke on the screen. Suddenly, I didn’t need to pay any attention to them. My imagination was supplying me with a hot and heavy reel of exactly how Kai might tackle me to the bed. How his big hands would spread my legs wide. Would I feel embarrassed, having someone look at the most intimate parts of me with such intensity?
Maybe with someone else. But with Kai? The thought alone had my cock leaking precum.
“That’s it, baby, bear down for me.”
My eyes flew open just as the Kai lookalike pushed inside the other guy. But it wasn’t him I was paying attention to. It was the Silas doppelgänger. He didn’t wince or try to wriggle away. No, his eyes rolled back in his head and the filthiest moan I’d ever heard spilt from his lips.
“That’s it,” the top praised as he bottomed out. He gave his partner a second to adjust before pulling out slightly and then slamming back in. “Fuck, you feel so good.”
My hand flew over my cock faster.
