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Touch was Silas’s love language. Even as a teen, he’d thought nothing of grabbing me for a hug or leaning his head on my shoulder. We’d once been short of chairs at a band meeting, and he’d just sat on my lap. Like that was normal.
To him, it was. It wasn’t his fault I’d never been honest with him. I’d never explained that each touch was a dagger to my soul. A reminder of what I’d never have.
This was all on me.
Tristan pursed his lips. “I can see that, I suppose. Perhaps he thinks that if he can make you behave like you always did, things will go back to normal.”
“Exactly.” I was relieved Tristan got it.
“Do you want it to go back to normal?”
I blew out a long breath, considering my answer. It was probably the most selfish decision I’d ever made, but I knew it was the right one.
Even if I fucking hated it.
“No. I don’t. I can’t. I want Silas in my life, but I can’t keep letting him break my heart.”
“You could be honest with him. That seems like the easiest way to fix this.”
“No. That’s the easiest way to destroy us completely.” I shook my head before grabbing our cups and walking them over to the sink. “You don’t know Silas like I do. He’d feel so guilty about everything that he’d act weird around me. Or, even worse, he might try and force himself to have feelings for me just to make me feel better.”
“He wouldn’t.”
I turned to face Tristan with a grim smile. “He might. That’s the thing that scares me the most. If he ever finds out how I feel and tells me he feels the same, how would I know if it’s the truth?”
“You’re saying he’d lie to you?”
“No,” I said slowly. “I don’t mean like that. I think he’dbelievehe returned my feelings. That’s the kind of guy he is. There’s very little either of us wouldn’t do to make the other happy. But it’d only lead to heartbreak for both of us. I can’t risk that. I can’t hurt or lose Silas completely.”
Tristan grimaced. “Okay, I don’t know him very well, but I think you’re doing Silas a massive disservice. If someone tried to assume I didn’t understand my own feelings, I’d probably throat-punch them.”
“It’s a good thing we’re only fake boyfriends then.” I put my hand over his and squeezed. “Trust me, where Silas is concerned, I know what I’m doing. Are you okay to continue this charade for a little longer?”
“For sure,” Tristan said. “Like I told you before, this is helping me more than you realise.”
“And you’re still not going to tell me anything more about that?”
“Nope. But give me your face for a cute selfie, and I’ll consider your debt paid.”
I forced away my concerns about what Tristan was hiding as I smiled for the camera. Tristan pushed his face against mine, grinning for all he was worth.
He lowered the phone and the happiness was gone like he’d flipped a switch. “There. That should do it.”
I patted his shoulder roughly. “I’m here if you want to talk.”
“I know.” He gave me a tight smile. “But I don’t think I’m the one you need to be talking to this morning.”
“You’re right.” With how Silas had left the club last night, I knew I needed to check in on him. I wouldn’t feel easy until I knew he was okay. Yes to boundaries, but a hard no to making Silas sad. I would still be his friend.
But in a healthy way.
With boundaries.
Fuck, I was so screwed.
Mykeywasinthe lock to Silas’s house before I realised. There was me, setting boundaries.
And immediately stepping over them.
