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Chapter twenty-two
Kai
“Saythatagain,”Silasbreathed.
The words I’d fought so hard to contain for almost our entire friendship were now as easy as breathing. “I’m in love with you, Silas. I’ve loved you for so long that I don’t know how to do anything else. Loving you has been the one constant in my life. Not my family, nor our careers, or even our friendship. It’s just been you. Lovingyou.”
Silas blinked slowly, his hands limp in mine. “For how long? How long have you loved me?”
I swallowed. “Umm…it’s hard to say when I knew for certain. Maybe the first time I realised I would actually quite happily commit murder when I saw the bruises your dad gave you? Or maybe it was when you kept showing up for me during Mum’s chemo. No matter how hard it got, you were always there.”
I gave a low chuckle, shaking my head at the memory. “Or maybe it even goes back as far as you whacking Timothy Smythe unconscious with a stick.”
Silas was silent for a moment before he ripped his hands from mine with a curse. “Fucking hell, Kai.”
He was on his feet and pacing. “You’re telling me you’ve loved me fordecades?”
I shot up, my palms raised as I pleaded with him. “I tried not to, believe me, Si. I fuckingtried. But no matter who I dated or slept with, no one could get to my heart. Because it’s always been yours.”
A distressed noise slipped from his lips as his hands tugged at his hair. “That’s not what I’m upset about, Kai.”
I stilled. “It’s not?”
“Of course it’s not,” he exploded. “You’ve just told me that foryears, I’ve been putting on a show with you on stage. Grinding up against you and being…completelyinappropriate. Then making you watch me take home girl after girl every night.”
I stepped up to him, my hands going to his shoulders. “You didn’t know, Silas.”
“But I should’ve,” he whispered miserably, his head dropping. “It’s what I’ve been scared about since I first…suspected you might have feelings for me. I should’ve seen it earlier. I know you better thananyone.How could I not see this?”
I couldn’t help it. I needed to hug him. I pulled him tight to me, relieved when he didn’t shove me away. “You couldn’t see it because I hid it from you. This is not on you, Si. It’s on me.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” His voice was muffled against my chest. “Did you really not trust me that much?”
“It’s not about trust,” I answered him honestly. “I couldn’t risk losing you, Si.”
His head whipped up, hurt shining in his eyes. “You wouldn’t have lost me, Kai. Jesus, do you really think so little of me?”
“Of course not.” I held him firmly. “But things would’ve changed between us. You wouldn’t have kept dancing with me on stage. You wouldn’t have phoned me in the middle of the night to comfort you. You wouldn’t have spent every waking minute with me.”
“No…because those things were hurting you.”
“They were also the things keeping me alive.”
“If that’s true…” Silas said slowly. “Then why did you leave? You obviously didn’t need or want those things. You left me forfourmonths, Kai, without saying a word. It would’ve been bad enough even if nothing happened.”
I winced as he pushed out of my arms, carefully stepping back. “And something did happen, Kai. Wekissed. Onstage. In front of thousands of fans. Didn’t you think that was something we should talk about?”
“We did talk about it—remember? You said it was all part of theact.”
“No, those were your words, not mine.” He crossed his arms over his chest calmly. “What I said was I shouldn’t have taken it that far.”
“The act,” I whispered in disbelief. “That’s what you meant.”
“No,” he said softly, his arms dropping as he stepped closer. “I meant I shouldn’t have taken it that far in front of thefans. Fuck, Kai, weren’t you there? It wasn’t just you doing the kissing. I was in that moment just as much as you were.”
I gaped at him, not wanting to believe what he was telling me. “I thought…I thought you were acting.”
He snorted. “Since when have I been that good of an actor? Remind me again, what role was I given in the GCSE Drama performance?”
