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WouldIbe there?
I still don’t know, and it kills something inside of me. It’s like poison in my heart, constricting my main artery until I’m struggling for each agonizing beat, begging the world to allow me just a few more seconds to live.
I gasp as I pull my hand away, audible enough for Lola to hear me, and she looks up at me. There’s a sheen to her beautiful blue eyes that wasn’t there before, subtle enough to be deniable, but obvious enough that we both know without saying that the room is charged with white-hot emotion.
The microwave dings, and I turn away from Lola, trying to hide myself in a plastic container of rice and chicken. I feel ashamed, but I’m unable to redeem myself. I don’t know how.
“This is yours,” I say, turning and thrusting it into her hands. Before she can reply, I grab another one from the dining cart and put it in the microwave. I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m afraid of what will be said.
I stand with my back to Lola for the entire time the food is in the microwave, trying to tune out my thoughts before they overcome my rationality. It’s only when the microwave dings again that I’m able to turn around and face Lola.
But she’s already gone.
My stomach drops, but then I remember we’re on a moving train, and there’s nowhere for her to go. Maybe she just wants to eat alone, and I wouldn’t blame her. I’ve done nothing but give her hell since we first met.
I sigh, resigning myself to a dinner alone, but when I move to the next section of the dining cart, I discover Lola eagerly waiting at a table, her food untouched in front of her.
“Were you waiting for me?” I ask.
She purses her lips. “Don’t ruin the moment by saying something dumb.”
Silently, I sit down across from her, putting my food on the narrow table and staring into it for a moment before looking up at her. “I’m sorry,” I say, my mind traveling a hundred times the speed of the train. “I just… wasn’t expecting all this.”
“Neither was I,” she says, her tone softening. “I didn’t want to burden you with it. I just wanted you to know.”
“And I’m grateful you told me,” I say, tearing my eyes off her and looking back down at my food. “I just don’t know how to be a father. My brother is, but we’re so different.”
“I’m sure you can’t be that much different,” she says, laughing a little. “There aren’t that many Bratva bosses running around the United States, are there?”
“More than you would think,” I reply, “But that’s a conversation for another day. I can’t really tell you the ins and outs of the Bratva if you’re only loosely connected to it. I need more commitment before any secrets can be revealed.”
“Oh, really? Is your brother going to be upset that you told me what you were looking for on this train?” She leans forward, challenging me with a wide-eyed look.
I shake my head, digging into my food with a black plastic fork. “You don’t know what I’m really after, and I’m not going to tell you. Like I said, not enough commitment.”
“I think you’re the one with commitment issues,” she replies, poking at her food but not eating it. “I tried to call you, don’t you remember? And you blocked me.”
That’s what I always do. I give my number to a woman so she thinks I’m serious, and then I block her the second she tries to call me.
I don’t do commitment, even if I want others to be committed to me.
But for the first time, I feel guilt weighing heavy in my chest for having done his to Lola. It wouldn’t have been an issue if she didn’t get pregnant. Sure, I would’ve thought about her often, reliving the beautiful experience we had in her bedroom – the passion, the raw excitement of fucking a stranger.
Lola would’ve faded from my memory, slowly making her way out of my mind so that I could go on with my life like nothing ever happened.
But she stuck there, even after I blocked her. All the drunken nights and cheap thrills couldn’t keep her out, and now she’s here in front of me, permanently tied to my Family because I didn’t use a condom.
Once more, I find myself apologizing. “I’m sorry that I blocked you. I can’t keep women around me when I’m living such a dangerous life. They think they want to be part of it, but they quickly realize that the money and sex isn’t worth the danger.”
Her eyes meet mine in between bites, drenched in more sympathy than she should realistically have for a man like me. “Sounds lonely,” she says.
I try to play of the truth in her words like it doesn’t bother me, but the loneliness is exactly what’s been eating me up inside after all these years. I don’t want to admit that I’m jealous of what Nikolai has – a beautiful wife and child – but… I wouldn’t mind having the same thing. The only issue is that I know Lola won’t care to be a part of it, especially not after how I’ve treated her.
“It can be lonely,” I admit, scooping the rest of the rice and chicken into my mouth. “But that’s just how it is. I’ll never be able to have a normal relationship with anyone.”
She sighs, pushing her food away even though she’s only eaten half.
“You’re not going to finish that?”
