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“I did,” he says, not entirely hiding his smirk. “I quit every night. But, then I wake up.”
I roll my eyes at him. He’s changed a lot since getting engaged to Skyler, and all for the better. I’m sure quitting smoking will happen sooner rather than later.
“So, how do you think the show’s going to go tonight?” I ask.
He nods from side to side while flicking the ash from his cigarette. “I don’t know, man. That’s the thing with playing new songs, right? Who knows if anyone’s going to like them, you know? It’s always a risk. And since when do we get to do secret shows to test our songs? How cool is this? Before, we would just play our new stuff and hope for the best, right? “ He eyes me curiously. “Why do you seem nervous? You’re never nervous or anxious about shows. You live for playing live.”
Shit. He’s noticed. Of course, he has.
I shrug it off, focusing on the distant ocean and lowering sun. “I’m not nervous.”
Logan puts his cigarette out in a nearby ashtray and stands beside me, leaning on the rooftop’s metal railing.
“You’re a shit liar,” he says. “What is it? Or, who is it?”
God damn it.
“Fine,” I mutter, shaking my head. “I invited Sloane to the show tonight.”
“Sloane Castle? Your boss from that mentor program you’re in?” he chuckles. “Wow, man.”
“She’s not my boss…I don’t think.” Is she my boss?
“Never mind any of that. So, you invited her, cool. Did she accept? Is she going to be there tonight?”
“No clue. She left it kind of vague, and like, ‘we’ll see.’” I say, the dejection clear in my tone. I hate it. I hate she’s having this effect on me. I hate that I care.
“So, you’re saying there’s a chance…” his grin widens.
“Fuck off, man. I don’t know why I’m even talking about this with you.” I turn to head back downstairs. I should have known better than to talk about this shit with anyone in the band.
“Dude, wait.” He grabs my arm and pulls me back. “I was just joking around. I didn’t realize you had a thing for her.”
“It’s not a thing.”
“It sure looks and sounds like a thing.”
“Yeah, well, it’s not. She won’t show up anyway, so just forget about it.”
“Why do you say that? Why wouldn’t she show up? We’re awesome.”
I glare at him. “Really? Who would want to get involved with this hot mess?” I wave my hands, indicating my person. “She’s better off staying away from me. Far away.”
“Don’t be like that, man. You’re not a bad person.”
“Yes. I am. And it was stupid of me to even think about being with her. It’s the worst possible thing she could do if she cares at all about her own reputation.” I start heading away again. “I’d take her name off the list if I thought for a second she might actually show up. But I know that won’t happen, so all of this is irrelevant anyway. Forget about it.”
“Dude, you are way too hard on yourself,” he says, patting my back as we walk. “You may not see it, but we all do. Deep down, beneath all the macho bullshit, you’re a good guy.”
“No, I’m not. I’m a dick.”
“Alright. You’re a dick. I am not going to argue this point anymore because I won’t be able to convince you otherwise. Just know not everyone believes that, okay?”
“Fine. Whatever.” I don’t want to argue about my level of virtue anymore, either. I just want to play the show and have a good time.
As we head back downstairs, Logan's words replay in my head. He doesn't get it. I have to be the jerk, the bad boy. It's my role. It’s been my role for as long as I can remember.
Under all the bravado, the real me might be a decent guy, but I can't let that version out. He's too fragile. If people saw the real me, they'd discover how insecure I am. How desperate for approval. How afraid of fucking up and disappointing everyone. Of being abandoned.
