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“Oh yeah? How did that go?”
“There hasn’t been any resolution, but the offer was made at least.” He laughs at himself a little, then says, “You should have seen Mackenzie go off on her. It was a beautiful thing.”
“I’m sure it was.” I’m still not understanding what there is to talk about because none of this has anything to do with me.
“The thing is, after the meeting, we had a discussion about getting NDAs in place with people we have relationships with to head off any situation like the one we have with Nyx before it happens.”
He’s staring at the floor, and his cheeks are burning red. Part of me thinks this was not his idea, but that could be wishful thinking.
“Are you saying...?”
“I’m not saying I think you would ever do anything like Nyx is doing, but they did raise some valid points. And it’s not just me that has to do this; everyone is doing it.”
I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut. Memories of the last time I was forced to pledge my silence plow through me, and suddenly, I can’t breathe. I’m instantly thrown back to the conference room at my old label, where the lawyers threatened me if I said anything about how I was treated, or what they did to my music. The only way to keep all of my songs, my creations, was to shut my mouth. I went along with it to keep my family afloat, only to have them betray me and sell my songs right back to them from under me. So not only was I robbed of everything, but I couldn’t say a damn word about it.
This is giving me that same feeling. Something I want is being dangled in front of me, and the only way to get it is to promise not to say a word.
The walls start closing on me, and I need air.
“I’ll be back…” I turn from Cooper and run out of the room, ignoring his calls after me as I make my way out a nearby side door, bursting through it and gasping for air as I clutch at my chest.
“Sloane, what are you doing? What’s wrong? Are you OK? What’s going on?” His voice is panicked, and I almost feel bad for him, but right now, that’s not an emotion I can feel for anyone else but myself.
“Get away, Cooper. Get the fuck away from me.” The tears have started, and these are tears that haven’t been shed for over four years. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop them now that they’ve started. “I need space. I need air. Give me a minute.”
He reaches for me, and I push him away. He’s not going to understand any of this.
“Tell me what this is about. I won’t make you sign anything you don’t want to sign. Believe me, I wouldn’t do that to you.”
I want to believe him. I want to believe this is something he was forced to do, not something he thought he had to do. He doesn’t really want to silence me. This isn’t coming from him. It can’t be. It can’t be.
“You have no idea what you’re asking of me. No clue what that is dredging up for me. I can’t. I just can’t.” The cold sweat breaking out all over me is chilling.
“Talk to me, Sloane. Tell me what is going on. I need to understand, and I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me.” There’s a pleading in his voice that reaches somewhere close to my heart, but not quite. It’s not enough.
If he really cared about me, he wouldn’t have asked for something like this in the first place. Trust goes both ways and if he doesn’t trust me, this is all for nothing.
If he cared, he would trust me.
And I just…oh my God.
“I need some time. I’m going to need some time to think about all of this.” I look up at him, my eyes still overflowing with tears, knowing that I’m broken, and he’s not the one that broke me, but he’s the one in front of me right now. He’s the one opening that scar. He’s the one ripping it wide open. “There’s a lot you don’t know, and I’m not ready to talk about it with you yet. Just know that the worst thing you could have done to me is ask for my silence.”
“Sloane, please...”
“Don’t. I have lots to think about, and I can’t do that with you in front of me. Please just leave me alone for a little while so I can think about things. So much has happened in the last few days, the last few weeks even, I haven’t taken the time to consider.” I wipe at my face, the tears finally stopping. I need to pull my shit together. “It’s a lot, Cooper. And this now just kind of put it all into focus for me.”
We stand there in the side lot with the late afternoon sun finding ways to reach us through the lace of the canopy of trees above us, staring at each other, almost as strangers. So much has happened between us in such a short time. From being at each other ‘s throats when we first met to as close as we are now, or at least as close as I thought we were.
It turns out I may have been wrong about that part.
He steps up to me and tentatively caresses my cheek. I can tell I’ve spooked him, and he is afraid to touch me now. I hate that I’ve done that.
“Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
And as I watch him walk away, I wonder if that’s true.
I wonder a lot of things.
