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I wonder what use I am to Cooper Davies. And I wonder if my silence is worth it.
twenty-nine
My Demons
Cooper
That went exactly as bad as I knew it would when the discussion about NDAs came up. What I didn’t plan for was the topic coming up right after getting the most amazing blowjob I’ve ever had. That makes the whole situation worse. I look like the biggest dick on the planet for even bringing the subject up.
When I get to Jude’s house for our writing session, it doesn’t take long for everyone to realize something is wrong with me. It’s almost as though I’ve completely forgotten how to play guitar, and I don’t know how much of this I want to talk about with any of these guys. There’s a lot that’s already happened they know nothing about, like my guitar being vandalized. Nobody knows that whole story, and I’m not sure I want to bring it up.
“Why don’t you take a break, guys,” Jude says after I take another solo off the rails. “Coop, let’s go for a little walk, shall we?”
He doesn’t wait for me to answer and heads out of the studio, so I follow him up to the terrace on the roof. The sun is just setting, and the lights are on at the pier. He really does have a killer view from this house. As a matter of fact, Jude Lockwood is probably the luckiest son of a bitch I know. He has a great wife, great kids, a tight-knit band, and a level head on his shoulders. Even with all of Indigo King’s fame, he still seems to be himself no matter what.
I lean on the railing next to him, looking out at the ocean not too far away, with half an idea he wants to talk, but I don’t know if I do.
“So, what’s up?” I ask.
“Well, from one soulless ginger to another, you’re not exactly present today. And you, my friend, look like somebody who needs to talk about something.” He rakes his fingers through his longish red hair, and I can tell he’s sincere in his concern. “I might not be your first choice of person to talk to, but maybe I’m not your last?”
That makes me chuckle. “That’s an interesting way to put it.” I go through all the thoughts ricocheting around inside my brain, wondering where I’d even begin.
“Listen, Coop. This rockstar gig isn’t the easiest thing in the world to deal with. Especially when it comes to relationships with other people. As a matter of fact, it’s one of the most difficult things. What it comes down to, though, is you. Any relationship you have will be hinged on how you act within it.”
“What do you mean by that?” Jude is known to be a bit of an intellectual, and sometimes, what he says goes over my head. Not that I’m dumb, just that I have a different life experience than he did, so I don’t always get what he’s talking about.
He sighs, “The success and failure of most of your relationships will be on your shoulders, not anybody else’s. It will be determined by your effort, and your effort alone. Because people will be there for you only if you let them. There needs to be an invitation. But with that invitation, there needs to be some permanence on your part.”
“I get what you’re saying, but I don’t know why you’re saying it to me, or right now.”
“I know about the NDAs Cassidy wants you guys to sign. And your lack of focus today tells me it might have become a problem for you. Am I close?”
“Bullseye.”
He nods knowingly and leans against the rail next to me. “This business is full of vultures both inside and out. The trick is knowing who’s who. Sometimes, there is absolutely no way to know who will turn on you, but you have to be ready because, eventually, it will happen.”
“Has it happened to you?” I haven’t heard anything about Indigo King having any problems like this. Outside their drummer’s crazy brother popping up and causing issues a while ago, they have been media darlings.
“Not directly,” he shakes his head. “But in my short time in the business, I’ve seen it enough. Just because it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean it won’t. And I am fully aware of that.”
“So what would you suggest if the person you asked to sign doesn’t want to?” Visions of Sloane in a panic attack and in tears this afternoon flash through my memory. I hate that I put her in that position.
He takes a while to answer. “It would depend on their reasons, I guess. I would need to hear why, you know? Because to most people, it’s not a big deal. You just agree to not spread rumors about people. In the scheme of things, that shouldn’t be such a hard ask of someone. But if someone is dead set against it, it sounds to me like there’s a story behind it. And maybe that needs some consideration.”
I nod. He’s right. I know there’s a story there, but Sloane needs to tell me what it is. I don’t like that she thinks she can’t tell me something that seems so important to her. That puts our entire relationship in question. I could give a shit about her signing a contract, but for her not to talk to me about something affecting her so much makes me wonder what we’re even doing.
“I agree. There’s more to it than meets the eye. I just need to be careful I don’t fuck up the relationship in the process.”
“That is always the goal. And, of course, you know this is not legal advice, right? None of this will hold up in a court of law.”
I laugh. “Thanks, Jude. I appreciate it.”
“Of course. Now pull your shit together and get in there and play your fucking guitar like a God damn professional. No more fucking around, got it? Good.”
His laughter follows him as he goes back inside, and I can’t help but chuckle. Jude Lockwood is the strangest but most interesting person I’ve ever met. Thinking that I just got life advice from him hasn’t hit my brain yet.
Before I head back in, I think about what he said about me being the hinge of all my relationships. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but he’s right. Any connection with somebody else depends on me, my availability, my schedule, my location, my level of exhaustion, or even my level of soberness. I have more responsibility than I thought.
