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Sully tries to come after me but Jason pulls him back. “Selina!” Sully calls out.
“Let her be,” I hear Jason say.
I’m crying my soul out as I lock myself in the bedroom and fall to the floor. I didn’t expect any of this to happen. Everything had seemed so perfect, so smooth and light-hearted. The sex was extraordinary. The tenderness with which they’ve given me thus far cannot be ignored or denied. There is something happening between us, something sweet and profound and insanely intense. But we’ve fallen prey to the ghosts of a Christmas past and given everything that is already going wrong in my life, I’m not sure I’ll be able to deal with this.
My first instinct is to run back to Providence.
But to where?
13
Selina
Minutes later, the guys are knocking on my door. My vision is hazy, and I feel awful and insufficient, beaten down somehow, and I know it all has to do with the return of a woman they probably thought was gone for good. Part of me is perfectly aware of how people and relationships work, and that I should listen to what Matthew, Sully, and Jason have to say. But the other part of me, the part that has always felt as though I was never enough—not at home, not at work, not in any relationship, for that matter— is screaming and crying her heart out at the realization of a reoccurring pattern.
“Selina, please, open the door,” Matthew calls out. “I can’t let you go to bed like this.”
“Just leave me alone. I will see you in the morning,” I reply between sobs.
“I will break this fucking door down if I have to!” Matthew snaps.
Sully chimes in. “We’re all here, Selina. We can’t… just please open the door.”
“No.”
I hear Matthew cursing under his breath, then Jason gets closer to the door and knocks three times. “Selina, please. We feel horrible about what just happened.”
“I promise I’m okay, there’s… there’s nothing for you to worry about,” I manage, trying to will the tears away and failing miserably.
“You certainly don’t sound okay,” Jason says. “Open the door, baby, let me see for myself. Otherwise, we are going to break it down. And that would be a shame. It cost a pretty penny, as Matthew will attest.”
I can’t help but smile. I know it’s his way of making light of the situation. It’s awkward for everybody, I’m aware of that, too. My emotional response is too powerful and too intense right now. My connection to them ultimately trumps everything else; however, and I somehow find the energy to pull myself up from the floor and rearrange the robe around my waist. I take a deep breath and open the door to find the three of them standing in the open hallway, looking as though they’ve just lost their puppy down a well. Gah, it breaks my heart to see them torturing themselves like this. Exes in general are such a tricky business.
“Oh, Selina,” Matthew sighs at the sight of me.
“I must be a mess,” I mumble, lowering my gaze.
He comes in and takes me in his arms. I’m helpless in his embrace, soft and shuddering as I remember the comfort and safety that he has always given me. Why was I running away from this? Why is it my first instinct to pull back whenever I feel my balance threatened?
“Cynthia was a part of our lives about a year ago, but we ended it,” he says.
I shake my head and hide my face in his shirt. “I don’t want to talk about her.”
“Selina, we just didn’t expect to see her, that’s all,” Sully says as he comes closer. “We didn’t know she’d come back to Aspen. We didn’t exactly end things on a friendly note with her.”
That makes me want to read more from her diary and figure out what happened. I should just ask them, but my instinct is flaring, warning me to steer clear of sensitive topics and Cynthia is clearly that. It was obvious by the deafening tension she caused from the moment she showed up at the door. I wonder if she accosted me on purpose earlier. Or maybe we truly just happened to cross paths.
“But you’re here with us now, and we’re here with you,” Jason adds. “And the past is right where it’s supposed to be.”
“I really don’t want to talk about her!” I blurt out.
My own emotions are too much for me to handle right now. The discomfort of seeing her as opposed to just reading about her. The past may be just that, but I got a glimpse of it tonight right after I told them about my deepest and darkest desire. If this wasn’t the universe’s way of telling me something, I don’t know what is.
Matthew’s hold on me tightens, his arms closing around my waist like a boa constrictor. “Look at me,” he says, his voice low and rougher than usual.
I do just that, meeting his gaze, and find myself hypnotized by the shadows beneath his long, black lashes. He kisses me deeply, his tongue breaching my feeble defenses. Within seconds, I’m melting into a puddle as Jason and Sully flank me, their hands running up and down my body. I lose track of who’s where, of my skimpy outfit, of my own presence in this moment as they shower me with kisses.
My mouth, my ears, my cheeks, my neck and shoulders, they all get a loving treatment. Lips pressing, tongues licking, teeth nipping here and there until I feel my nipples poking through the black lace. I’m completely defeated. My mind draws a blank as I try to remember the anger and the helplessness that brought me upstairs in the first place. Cynthiawho? What diary? None of that matters anymore as Sully grabs my ass and squeezes, then playfully slaps one buttock.
