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I’d never met the guy. Lex hated him. Had nothing to do with him. He lived on the other side of the country, in Toronto or somewhere around there. I didn’t really know much about him except that he was a member of the Italian Mafia and Lex basically told me, years ago, never to ask about it. So, I didn’t.
“Whatever it is,” I told him quickly, “we can figure it out. I’ve got your back.”
Lex shook his head. “Not on this. On this, Johnny was right when he told me, the moment I told him, that I should’ve told you the whole truth. I should’ve told you long ago, but I was afraid. I was fucking afraid you’d blame me. That you’d hate me. Because it was my fault.”
“What was your fault?”
“The car accident.”
My mind was turning it over, and fucking over, trying to understand. What the fuck was he talking about?
The brakes caused the accident. The icy road.
The brake line that was cut.
“My dad caused the car accident, Shane. It was him.”
Blood rushed to my head. Weirdly, my ears rang, like I’d just been hit. I was consumed with rage and jarring shock, all at once.
“He cut the brakes on your car…your own fucking father… to hurt you? That accident was meant for you?”
“No, actually…” I could see the tears glimmering in Lex’s eyes now. “I’m pretty sure it was meant for you.”
I stared at him.
“But Shane,” he said, “it’s not your fault. It’s my fault.”
* * *
I went home that night feeling like I’d had the snot beaten out of me. As soon as I stepped into my apartment I started crying. I knew it was the release of pent-up emotion, the come down from the fight finally bottoming out… and the let down of losing her… all of it, hitting me fucking hard.
And everything Lex said to me.
My friend. Who’d fucking lied to me, for years.
Or at the very least, didn’t tell me the whole fucking truth.
I stood myself in a hot shower for a long time, just letting the tears get washed away so I couldn’t feel them, until they finally stopped. Then I lay flat out on my bed, as everything I’d ever told myself about that car accident, and the massive chip it left on my shoulder, the wall I’d built up about it, all my beliefs, my hangups, my fears, seemed to come crashing down around me.
All because of this one terrible truth.
My dad caused the car accident, Shane.
Lex had finally told me this secret that had probably haunted him for years, carrying the burden of all that guilt, all that blame, because he was afraid I’d turn my back on him?
Which was a strange fucking conundrum. He’d done something that ultimately hurt me, because he loved me that much. Because he didn’t want to lose me.
Tonight, he’d seemed to think that all my problems were because of that accident. That I was pushing Jolie away now, or letting her go, because I thought I deserved that shit.
And I did.
Yes, the brake line was cut. I found that out while I was in the hospital. Lex said someone probably had it out for him. Biker war stuff.
I’d never believed it.
He was fronting, and I could tell.
The accident was my fault. I knew that as soon as I woke up in the hospital and remembered what happened. The brakes not working. Losing control of the car on that icy mountain road…
