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“See?” He passed her into my arms with a grin. “Everyone knows you belong here, even the babies. Everyone but you. You’re part of this family.” He patted my shoulder. “You’ll get there.”
I followed him inside for breakfast. As we ate, I reflected on what Lily had said, letting the words touch my heart instead of sweeping them away like she’d accurately accused me of.
I spent the rest of the day fishing with Luke in the part of the Sweetbriar River running through the rear of his property, out past my place. We didn’t talk much, and I was grateful for the quiet quality time. It gave me the space to think.
And I had to get my head clear before I spoke to Holly again.
Chapter18
Holly
Ihad done all the things I was supposed to do. I had an appointment with my therapist next week, damn it. I had spent time talking to Cade about everything. He’d just left for the night because I was feeling hopeful and thought I’d be okay.
But I wasn’t okay.
It was dark.
The blackness outside my window had closed in on me again and I was a wreck.
Deep breaths were overrated when one is in the midst of an anxiety attack, I spitefully decided. Stupid air, refusing to get into my lungs.
I panted. Shallow breaths were amazing.
My living room swirled around me as voices filled my head like the monotonous mumblings in a Charlie Brown cartoon.
“Holly, are you okay?”
Obviously not. I shook my head and tried to take another stupid breath, coughing when I choked on air.
Well, maybe I was okay, just a little bit. As far as anxiety attacks went, this one was about a three on the Holly Barrett scale of panic-induced self-treachery. This was the first one I’d had in months, and it was already almost over.
“Anxiety is a liar. Anxiety is a liar.”I repeated in my brain as I tried to get a grip on the out-of-control thoughts telling me that the fetal position on the floor in front of the sofa was the greatest place to be ever.
“She’s having an anxiety attack.” Luke’s oh-so-helpful voice echoed in my ears.
No shit.
I’d had a couple a year since I was a kid and for no good reason either. At least nothing that had ever made sense, anyway. Okay, that wasn’t true; they always made sense. I didn’t like to face things. Dealing with my problems was my least favorite thing to do, especially when digging a brain hole and burying them deep worked eighty percent of the time. It was that other twenty percent I had to watch out for. That was the stuff that kept me up at night and stared at me through dark windows.
Apparently, all the changes I’d been through lately and their accompanying intrusive thoughts had combined their efforts to come at me and say hello tonight.
Not to mention the noises I’d heard and the shadows under the backyard lights. I had simply freaked myself out and was now paying the consequences.Ugh.
Luke’s dog, Rocky, wagged his tail on the floor in front of me, occasionally barking to let everyone know how messed up I was.
And of course, Liam was here.Of course.
The anxious look on his face told me he knew. He knew what I was going through right now, and it was killing him as much as it was killing me that I was the one in the middle of it. I mean, when you locked eyes with your nightmares, it was a profound experience.
“Let’s give her some room,” Luke suggested. “It looks like she’s coming out of it.” Ever since we were kids, he’d been good at helping me calm down, just like my brothers and sisters.
Rocky stretched out along my side and nuzzled my cheek as they sat on the couch to give me space. Then he nudged my ear then licked my mouth.God, I wish it were Liam lying at my side, nudging my ear and licking my mouth.And on that weird thought, I came out of it.
“Good boy,” I rasped, wrapping my arms around him and snuggling into his soft fur. “I’m okay now.” Maybe I should get a dog from Jed. Or a cat. Clearly, I was feeling better if I was thinking in coherent sentences and contemplating pet ownership. “Thanks, Luke.”
“Yeah, of course.” He held out a hand and helped me up to sit on the couch. “How long has this been going on?”
“Um, I had one when I first got back home. And now this one. I hate this.” I couldn’t seem to raise my voice above a whisper, but they heard me.
