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Dad and I have always had this indestructible bond. An invisible tie, unlike most parent-child relationships. For five and a half years, Dad was the only parent I had. A depressed soul mourning the loss of the woman he loved. The woman I never had the chance to meet. My mother.
Those five and a half years weren’t dark, but they definitely weren’t filled with light. On more than one occasion, I listened to my father cry as he lay in bed at night. Heard him talk to my mother as if she were in the room. Overheard him ask her for advice on the rougher days. More than anything, I remember those years being packed with love. Many kids shoved their parents away when they got hugs. Not me. No, I held on tighter.
No one has a heart like my father. Though he loves my stepmother fiercely, he still reserves a piece of his heart for Brenda Olson, the woman I’ve only met in photographs and videos. Thankfully, my stepmother doesn’t begrudge him his past or love for another woman, a ghost.
Tipping my head back, I stare at the speckles in the ceiling tiles. Look for patterns in the randomly placed spots. Mull over what to say to my father. How much to share.
He is aware I haven’t been in a relationship since Gabby. He’d be the one person I’d tell. That said, he is unaware of the bed habits I’ve had since my relationship with her ended. Dad is no fool. I highly doubt he thinks his son is celibate. Just because his son’s ex-girlfriend said no to a marriage proposal doesn’t mean the world ended. Sure, I went through a period of darkness. Same as Dad did with Mom. Sure, I have trouble trusting people now. Who wouldn’t have trust issues after their best friend and love of their life broke their heart?
But life keeps moving forward. And eventually, we heal.
Eyes still on the ceiling, I say, “I met someone in Lake Lavender.”
A creak fills the air as Dad shifts in his seat in my periphery. “And this is a bad thing?”
Inhaling deeply, I straighten in my seat. “Yes and no.” His eyes narrow. “Met her on the first trip.” I close my eyes, take another deep breath, then level my gaze with his. “We had a one-night stand.”
Dad leans forward and rests his forearms on the desk. “No judgment here, son.”
I nod.
“So, I assume you saw her again during this last trip.”
“Yes.”
“And?”
“And at first, it was awkward. I didn’t know her name. She didn’t know mine. Seeing her again was pure coincidence.” My fingers dive into my hair and I laugh. “God, we tried like hell to avoid each other the first week.”
“I take it that didn’t go according to plan.”
Lips pursed, I shake my head. “Nope.” I lean forward, slide my laptop aside, and mirror Dad’s position on the desk. “One week in, we both caved. Decided acquaintances with benefits was a smart move.” Just saying the words out loud, I hear how foolish they sound. “News flash… it wasn’t.”
Elbows on the desk, Dad lifts his forearms and clasps all but his forefingers, pressing them to his lips. His eyes roam the desk, looking but not really seeing the scattered papers and photos. He processes what I’ve said and mulls over how to respond.
“Is she why you’ve been so down these past weeks?”
I nod.
“Sorry to hear that, son.” He drops his hands back to the desk. “Wish I had the perfect piece of advice.” A sad smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. “Give yourself time. If you choose to let her go, it won’t happen overnight.”
Chooseto let her go? Not as if I have much of a choice in the matter.
As if he hears my thoughts, he says, “There is always a choice. Both of you may have chosen what feels like the easier route.” My brows pinch together. “Sex without love or commitment,” he clarifies. “But, son, life always throws us curveballs. Tosses out challenges when we least expect them. In the end, the choice is ours. We either rise up or falter.”
We either rise up or falter.
God, he makes it sound so easy. Choose to let her go or go after what I want. The notion is so simple. Will enacting it come with the same level of ease? Only time will tell.
Above all else, I need to figure out what it is I want. While my head says to forget Alessandra, my heart whispers she will always exist in my life. The memories I have of her will never fade. Our time together will continue to haunt me.
Is it wise to preserve and protect those memories? Hold out hope that one day we will see each other again and create more. Or should I shove them in a bottle and toss them out to sea?
Either way, it isn’t only about what I want. She, too, has a choice in the matter. And based on our last words, I foresee our future only going one way. Further apart.
CHAPTER19
ALESSANDRA
