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Where the fuck are you? I can’t leave until I know you’resafe.
Tell me where you are. I’ll come getyou.
Answer your fucking phone, damnit!
My fingers shook as I finallyreplied.
I’m on my way home. I’m safe. I can’t explain, please leave me alone, just fornow.
Hereplied.
I’m sorry, Lauren, I can’t do that. If you don’t text me to say you arrived home safely, I’ll kick your fucking doordown.
I covered my mouth to hold in thesob.
I’lltext.
I didn’t receive another message fromhim.
I closed my eyes, hoping for some sleep, anything to stop the images flooding my mind. I could still smell her, and me, on myskin.
I felt sick to my stomach. I needed a drink; I needed to eat to quell the nausea. The first thing I did when the train arrived in Victoria Station was to buy a disgusting bagel from a fast-food burger outlet. I drank down a full fat Coke, something I never drank normally, without taking a breath. My hands shook as I guzzled down the food. I must have looked like a drug addict coming down from a high. It hit me like a kick to the stomach and I doubled over. That was exactly what washappening.
I was coming down from such an intense high; it may well have been cocaine rushing through my veins instead of the unbridled passion I’dexperienced.
Mackenzie Miller should have been a class A drug. He was as addictive, as powerful, and asdamaging.
When my body returned to some form of normality, I headed out to one of the waiting taxis. Other than to give my address; I didn’t speak. I didn’t answer any of the questions thrown at me. As we pulled up at my apartment block, and I fumbled inside my purse for money, the driver looked in his rearview mirroragain.
“Are you all right?” heasked.
I looked at him and caught sight of myself in his mirror. My eyes were red with the tears I’d shed. I placed the money on the tray in the glass panel that dividedus.
“No,” I said, and then climbedout.
The first thing I did was to run a bath. I hadn’t used the bath in a long time. When it was filled with warm water, I lowered myself in. A burn raged between my thighs and my back stung from his bite. I didn’t want to entertain the idea I could have caughtsomething.
She had to be an escort. I wouldn’t hold that against her, but the thought that he even knew where and how to find one disturbed me. She hadn’t spoken at all, and he hadn’t used her name. Did that mean he didn’t know her? If so, how did he know she was clean? I shuddered at thethought.
I had no idea what to do; I’d make a point of calling my doctor in the morning. But could I sit there and explain I’d had sex with him, and her, at the same time, and ask what the health implications of thatwere?
Then another thought hit me. We hadn’t used protection and I wasn’t on the pill. Yet another round of tears rolled down my sorecheeks.
The idea that I could have gotten pregnant horrified me. It wasn’t the getting pregnant part that upset me, but carrying a child outside a relationship, trying to go it alone, terrified me. My life was a mess, my divorce was going to be traumatic, and I did not need the stress of becoming a single mother added tothat.
I knew I was overthinking everything, but my brain wouldn’t let up. I was scared, but I couldn’t get past the fact that I had loved theexperience.
Mackenzie Miller had fulfilled my fantasies; that was the game, it’s what he did. But in doing so he’d left me feeling empty and lonelier that I ever had. I’d been a fucking fool thinking I could playalong.
I lowered my head to my hands and sobbed. I cried harder than I had when Scott had betrayed me. In one way, it felt worse. I’d opened myself up to the pain and disgust I feltinside.
I climbed from the bath and wrapped a towel around me. I picked up my phone and my heart froze when I saw the last text he’dsent.
I’m on my way. You didn’ttext.
‘Oh, God,” I said as Ireplied.
I’m home. I took a bath. Please, I need to think, I need to be alone. If I have to beg, Mackenzie, I will. Let me be,please.
