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Jilly:Thanks again for being so cool about all this.
Killer:It’s the least I can do. So tell me about the party. Was it fun?
Jilly:Nothing is all the much fun anymore. It all sounds like a good idea, but then something will make me think of Dicer and I’m in the middle of a drunken crowd fighting back tears and struggling to breathe.
Killer:Grief is a one-day-at-a-time sitch. Some days fucking gut you, and some days are nothing but happy memories and sunshine.
Jilly:You’ve lost someone too?
Killer:I did. My dad. A little over a year ago. It doesn’t get easier, but the gut-wrenching days seem to get further and further apart, you know? You learn to live with the ache, like missing them just becomes part of who you are now.
Jilly:Yeah. I shouldn’t’ve gone to that party. I was just looking for a distraction. And Cap was too, or else he wouldn’t have thrown it in the first place. We were all miserable and faking it.
Killer:Did you find one? A distraction, I mean.
Jilly:The wrong one.
Killer:Well, if you’re ever in the middle of a party fighting back tears and struggling to breathe, you can always text me. I’m not Dicer, but I’m someone’s big brother.
Jilly:Liiiiike how big? I’m not drenching a thirteen-year-old in my grief and tears, am I?
Killer:Hahaha. No. I’m 25. My sisters are 21, 19, and 15.
Jilly:Hey, I’m 19Wow, three younger sisters. That’s intense.
Killer:I’m a professional big brother. I basically have my doctorate in big brothering.
Jilly:Thank you, Killian. I really appreciate you reaching out. Have a good day.
Killer:You too, Jilly.
Killian + Cap
Unknown Number:I threw a party. It was fucking stupid. I was trying to make them happy, you know? I wanted to see them laugh and have fun. All we’d done for months was cry. But it was still too soon. Jilly looked miserable, and Bent looked out of place. I don’t know how to take care of them the way you did. It should’ve been me that night. If you were the one still here, you’d make everything better, for all of them. I miss you so fucking much. We all do. It should’ve been me, man.
Killian:Cap? I’m assuming.
Cap:Who the fuck is this?
Killian:I’m Killian. The same day I got this new cell number, Jilly texted Dicer. We got to talking, and she told me some of his friends still text the way she does. I talked to Bentley the other day too.
Cap:This is weird as shit.
Killian:Yeah. I’ve never felt so guilty for changing cell providers.
Cap:What did she say? Jilly. Is she okay? She puts on such a brave face, but damn, I can tell she’s hurting.
Killian:She misses her big brother. I’ll tell you what I told her—grief’s one day at a time. You never stop missing them, you just learn to live with the hurt. It becomes a part of you.
Cap:And Bent? I can only imagine what sort of shit he slung. Dicer was his sounding board, his moral compass.
Killian:He was pissed neither Dicer’s mom nor Jilly’s mom showed up to her birthday dinner. And he was drooling after a chick he shouldn’t be. But. He seemed okay, he really did. His message wasn’t near as sad as the one you just sent.
Cap:You don’t know me. Or Dicer.
Killian:No. But I know grief. And from everything I’ve learned about Dicer from these deeply personal texts you guys have sent, I can pretty much guarantee he never in a million years would’ve wanted it to be you. I don’t know what happened “that night,” but no one would want someone they love to die in their place.
Cap:I don’t know how to do this without him.
