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My eyes open and I stare at the ceiling above me, at the still fan and the dark-painted expanse that matches my walls. My fingers unclench one at a time, letting go of their death grip on the blanket that covers me.
Beside me, a few feet away, the television is on. I can hear the soft murmurs of conversation, and I can see its light playing upon the ceiling, though I haven’t yet turned to look at it.
I knew I’d dream of Daisy tonight. Ever since finding the bird in the woods, I’ve known that tonight will be bad. Emily’s death and Phoenix’s arrival had simply solidified that fact.
But as dreams about that day go, this isn’t the worst I’ve had. Sometimes my mind contorts the events, replaying them in ways where I die with Daisy or I fall in a different, deeper lake with no way to get out, causing me to be stuck in the frigid darkness forever without the ability to draw air into my lungs.
Compared to that, this one was tame. As far as nightmarish memories go, anyway.
This time, I don’t push the dreams away. Normally, I work as hard as I can to get them to fade, to push them out of my brain completely. But this time, with Emily’s death so fresh in my ears, I let myself remember what happened next.
Phoenix had been the one to find us. We were too old by that point to need a babysitter, but later he’d told me one of his ex-friends, the brother of one of my ‘friends’ whose actions led to Daisy’s death, had expressed to him that he’d overheard his sister talking about their plan.
Unfortunately, Phoenix had been too late to save his sister, who had so desperately, soinnocently, wanted to be invited back into the friend group that had ousted us.
So, so desperate that she’d done something she knew was stupid, irresponsible, and dangerous. But it wasn’t her fault. It hadneverbeen Daisy’s fault that she’d needed acceptance. They never should’ve said what they did, or promised her what they had.
And I should’ve been faster getting out of the water.
That thought, and the guilt that sweeps through me, causes me to squeeze my eyes shut as the feeling threatens to overwhelm me. It chills me to the bone, even under my blankets, and I curl my hands tight, nails biting into my scarred palms that have felt the cold more acutely than the rest of me since that night.
God, I hate that Emily’s death has done this to me. My normal ability to stay calm and detached has shattered and I find myself gulping deep breaths of air as I try to get myself under control. I open my mouth, prepared to call for my mom to tell her what I’d been dreaming of and talk things out with her. But then I remember that she’s gone, and my teeth click together, mouth shutting once more. I’m on my own tonight, to deal with the painful memories and the bad feelings in my chest.
I can’t do this tonight.
The thought sweeps through me, and there’s no arguing with the absolute certainty of it. I’m not wavering on some edge of panic. I’m there, in the middle of it, splashing around in an icy pool with chunks of ice that never melt inside my mind.
I really, really can’t do this tonight.
In seconds I’m on my feet, my muscles tense and twitching as they come to a too-swift wakefulness along with the rest of me. Before I know what I’m doing, my hand is groping for my phone, and within seconds I have it to my ear while it rings.
God, I hope she answers. If she’s at her party already, there’s no way Nic will hear her phone going off. Knowing her, she’d skipped to the closest bar or found a beer can in the fridge and is well on her way to being tipsy.
Not that I’ll be the first one to tell her that maybe, possibly, she has a bit of a problem and gets blackout too easily and often with how fast she drinks at parties.
Thankfully, Nic picks up, and I don’t hear any loud music or yelling in the background as she answers, “Hey Bailey. What’s going on? Did you change your mind about coming to this party with us?”
“Yes,” I reply, barely letting her finish. “I did, actually. Could I come with you, please?”Pretty please, I add, becauseI can’t do this tonight.
She’s quiet for a few seconds, and I wonder if she’s changed her plans or doesn’t want me there. The second option seems far-fetched, but in my current panic, anything is possible as my heart pounds against my ribs, searching for a way out of the claustrophobic cage my body provides.
“You’re not okay.”Her words aren’t a question, and I kick myself for being transparent enough that she knows I’m not okay. Damn it.
“Is that a question?” I ask with a harsh laugh that doesn’t do anything to prove my okay-ness. “A statement, or are you about to sing me a song?”
She sighs into the phone as I twist my fingers nervously, still standing in the middle of my large, open room with the television on in the background. “You know what I mean. It’s Emily, isn’t it?”
I hate being so readable. I despise the fact that I’m an open book for her at times like this, and it drives me to grind my teeth together as my jaws ache with protest at the force of the gesture. “Can I come or not?” I ask finally, my voice quiet. “It’s okay if not. I’ll just—”
“Of course you can come, Bailey,”Nic interrupts. “I’m not trying to interrogate you over the phone. I haven’t left yet, but we’re about to so you have great timing. Want us to come pick you up?”If I say yes, then I’ll be at her mercy for when we come home, and that’s never a solid bet to take if I need to be somewhere at a certain time.
But my parents are gone, and there’s nothing going on tomorrow that I care about. If I sayyes, then I can hunt down alcohol as well, while Nolan, Nic’s boyfriend, judges us with raised brows and an almost-frown on his lips.
The same way he always does.
“Yeah, okay,” I agree, turning to look at the television that still plays the same cooking show as an hour ago. “I’ll ride with you if it’s not any trouble.” Thankfully I have cash on me I can give her for gas, or more likely, stuff into her car’s console for her to find later when she steadfastly refuses to take money from me. “I’ll see you in a bit? I need to get ready.”
“Want me to bring you a costume?”Nic asks, her tone cheeky. “I have an extra.”
