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“I just ran a half mile!” IRIS snapped.
“And you’re extremely pale.”
Kavanaugh snapped his fingers at me. “I had an uncle that was always pale. Couldn’t run up the stairs to save his life. Slept all the fucking time. Turns out, he had hemorrhoids but didn’t want to tell anyone. By the time we got him to the hospital, he needed like four blood transfusions. The doctors were surprised he had any blood left in him.”
“I don’t have fucking hemorrhoids!” IRIS snapped.
“Is there blood in your stool?” I asked.
“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Red shrugged. “It’s part of life. Kind of like IKE with his ketoacidosis.”
“My what?” IKE asked.
“It’s in your name,” Red drolled on.
“I don’t have fucking hemorrhoids,” IRIS continued.
“Then why were you on the shitter so long?” Scottie asked.
“Yeah, I try to limit my time to five minutes. Do you know they have a countdown clock so you don’t put too much strain on your ass muscles?” Kavanaugh said conversationally.
“Exactly, because sitting too long gives you hemorrhoids,” Red said.
“They even make a stool,” I started.
“The Squatty Potty!” Scottie Dog grinned, pointing at me. “Man, I love that thing. You put your feet up and the shit just slides right out!”
“Seriously?” Red asked. “Sounds like they should be installed in all bathrooms. It would really solve the ongoing hemorrhoid epidemic in this country.”
We all looked at IRIS like we were proving a point or something.
He shook his head, yanking open my door. “I fucking hate you all.” He shoved me aside, closer to the gear shift.
“Whoa, what are you doing?”
“Are we actually going somewhere, or did you just want to talk about my hemorrhoids the whole time?”
“So, you do have hemorrhoids,” Scottie shouted. “I knew it!”
IRIS turned around in his seat and glared at the man. “Do you want to shout that a little louder?”
Scottie’s eyes grew wide. “Man, if I had known, I never would have busted your balls over it.”
IRIS gritted his teeth. “I don’t have hemorrhoids. I just don’t want you shouting that to the whole fucking world.”
“Technically, it’s just the Caribbean,” he pointed out. “I’m sure it’s not a threat to national security.”
IKE sighed heavily. “So, this is very enlightening, but weren’t we off to save your woman?”
Shit, I already forgot about that. “Yeah, stop talking about shitting,” I said, internally smacking myself for getting wrapped up in their nonsense. I shifted, trying to get comfortable as a full-grown man practically sat on my lap.
“Any idea where she went?” Red asked, leaning forward.
“If you were trying to escape, where would you go?” I asked.
“I’d hide in plain sight, but your woman really doesn’t want to be around us.”
“She’s not my woman,” I said testily. “But you’re right. She wants to get away, and she won’t fly, which leaves the docks.”
