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It’s after nine o’clock by the time I pull into Emmett’s driveway. He expected me to come over after work. Instead, I went to my apartment for a while, then drove out to Mattson Park, watched the ice chunks floating around the dark water, contemplating what I will tell Emmett.
He called twice as I sat in my apartment. I hadn’t been there in so long, now spending every possible moment with him and Allie, that my apartment feels like a stranger’s. Since I didn’t know what to do, I went to get my mail, planned to take care of some housekeeping but there wasn’t anything there. Nothing in the fridge but a half-bottle of wine, no dirty laundry, only a light layer of undisturbed dust and dried out plants to welcome me.
I sat on my sofa in the dark, mind swirling with questions, contemplating the decision in front of me.
When I push open the car door, a swirl of wind kicks up and sleet hits me in the face. I pull my hood up, using the sides to cover my cheeks as I keep my head down for the few steps to the house and up the front porch. My hand raises to knock, but I pause mid-movement.
Normally, Emmett has the door swung open and his arms out, ready to pull me into a hug before my knuckles reach the wood. This time, I’m met with silence. I peer to the side of the door, through the single pane glass and notice the house is dark, save for a lamp dimly lit down the hall.
I pull back, wondering if this is Emmett’s way of telling me he’s done with me, if he’s hit his breaking point. A person will only put themselves through so much before giving up.
“After all we’ve been through, you think you need to knock when you come into my house?” Emmett’s voice, a hint of anger mixed with sadness, cuts through the whistle of the wind.
I whip to my right, seeing his figure outlined in the dark of the night. “Jesus, I didn’t see you there.”
The creak of the chains holding up the porch swing he’s slowly swaying on should have given it away, but the anxious thoughts and wind muffled my hearing. I take a tentative few steps closer to him.
Even in the dark of the night, I can see the stress etched on his face. His hair is disheveled from worried hands running through it, bags under his eyes prominent and he’s sipping something warm from his thermos, the steam radiating through the cool air.
He reaches an arm to the side, and with his sleeve wipes the dusting of snow off the seat next to him, ushering me to sit.
“Maybe I don’t know where I stand after all this time.”
“I think you do.” His voice is stern. “I think you’re in your head.”
I slide the hood of my jacket back, taking a seat next to him. We swing for a few moments in silence, both staring forward, waiting for the other one to speak. He hands me his thermos, gesturing for me to take a sip.
“Spiked apple cider.”
I take the mug from his hands, holding it with both palms to warm the shiver that’s wracking through me, and take a long sip. “Holy shit, that’s good.”
I take another before handing it back to him.
“Want me to go make you one?” he offers, and my heart breaks.
Because I’m sure he’s pissed at me, he has every right to be. He’s hurt that I’ve been gone for the last few hours, avoiding him like the plague. Stressed about his ex being in town, but this is the type of man he is. If I said yes, he’d go inside right now and make me a hot beverage because he would put my comfort over his own.
“No, thank you,” I whisper, taking a deep breath through my nose to stop the tears from forming.
He nods once, his feet continuing the rocking motion for the swing. He takes another sip, setting the mug on the snowy end table before planting his feet, forcing the swing to halt. A knee starts to bounce as he leans forward, grazing his palms together. “You running?”
I should be offended by that, that he would accuse me of wanting to run away from yet another stressful situation. But really, that’s all I’ve done. You can run from the city and make a new life, run from people who bully you. Run from crummy family members. There is always somewhere to run, and that’s exactly what I spent the last few hours contemplating doing. In five days, I could be in Arizona, where it’s warm and sunny, no power outages from the storm, no ex-wives sniffing around.
“I reached out to my old recruiter and asked where I could go, and fast, so I didn’t have to face this new reality.”
He roughly pushes against his eyelids with the tips of his fingers, still facing forward. I’m kind of surprised he is so quiet, that he isn’t telling me it will be okay and that I don’t have anything to worry about. He isn’t telling me that he’d do whatever it takes to make me stay. This man knows me. He knows me probably better than I know myself, and he knows that once my mind is made up there isn’t any changing it.
I turn to him, pulling a leg up and curling it under me so I can face him. “I’m scared, Emmett. Terrified. I’m scared Gina will move here, and Allie will feel some sort of connection to her I could never provide. And it’s selfish. I’m selfish because I want to be one of Allie’s favorite people. I want her to come to me when she needs help. I love her.” I pause for a moment, picking at the skin around my cuticles, and for the first time all night, Emmett turns to look at me. “I love her as if she is my baby, and I didn’t think that was possible. So yeah, I thought about running real far away from here, so I didn’t have to have my heart broken by a three-year-old.
“But when I thought about running, I thought back on those few years without you.” That time in my life was awful. I was so empty, so restless. Unable to find anything to fill that concave hole in my chest. Most days were like living a bad dream. Wanting to wake up and have that realization wash over me that it wasn’t real, but it never came. “Life without you isn’t something I want to relive again. So, no, I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to stay here and face this bitch head-on, because there isnothingGina could ever do that would hurt more than life without you.”
I can see the moment my words click, and Emmett lets out a shuddering breath, his entire body relaxing with my confession. His head falls back for a moment before he reaches for me, tugging at my forearms and pulling a leg until I’m draped over him, straddling him with the wood of the swing biting into my knees, wrapping his arms around me so tightly I almost can’t breathe.
He buries his head in my neck and says roughly, “she willneverreplace you. To me or Allie. Shecouldn’t, she hasn’t, she never did. We love you, remember?” He lifts his head, hand coming around to grasp the back of mine and pulls me into him.
Once I’m buried in the thick collar of his work coat and can smell his cologne and his skin and feel his warmth on my face, I let the few tears fall that had gathered along my lids. He rubs my back slowly, hand coming up to grip the back of my neck before trailing down to my hips.
“I don’t know what she wants, but tomorrow we can call her. Or meet with her. But, the most important part is we make this decision together, right?”
