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A sickness falls over my dad. Not a physical sickness, but a mental one. A part of my dad died when my mum left. He barely eats or showers or talks, and he’s stopped working on his car.
After how my mum treated him, I always believed he’d be relieved if she left. She wouldn’t be here to scream at him and insult him anymore, but I realise now I was hugely mistaken. Love doesn’t stop just because someone treats you badly, and it’s clear my dad still loves his wife despite their mishaps.
But he suffered at the hands of herfor me. She stayedfor me.
Am I selfish for making him suffer by lifting the weight of my own guilt?
He doesn’t even sit at the kitchen table anymore; he curls up on the sofa wrapped in one of her blankets and watchesMade in Chelsea—one of her favourite shows.
No words will ease his suffering, so I give him back what he’s given me for so many years: hope.
‘Choose happiness, Dad,’ I tell him with a gentle squeeze on the shoulder. I remind him each morning I leave for school, because even though I’m falling apart too, I need to be strong for him.
I need to be strong for myself.
I miss detention. I miss not having any social expectations. I miss the silence and solitude. Because lunch is the worst. In class I have the excuse of concentration, but in the cafeteria, Cassie and Demi and Chase and Archer and Gregory and Brian are there, talking and laughing and joking. I don’t speak much, and when I’m queried on it, I simply say ‘I’m just hungry’ and I’m left alone.
But I can’t keep up this façade for much longer. Soon Archer will notice, and I’ll have to tell him.
He hasn’t ignored me as I worried he would. In fact, nothing has changed between us, and if anything,I’vepulled away fromhim. I don’t want him to get too close and see what a complete mess I am.
‘Ugh.’ Cassie bangs her tray down on the table. ‘Did you get a letter from Mr. Benjamin?’
It takes me a moment to notice she’s addressing me.
‘Um…’ My mouth is tacky; I swig my water. ‘No. What letter?’
She looks angry I didn’t get a letter. ‘He sent my parents a ‘formal warning’ about my hair, and because I’ve already had one warning, if I get another one, I’ll be expelled.’ My letter is probably at home in the small pile gathering beneath the door. ‘And to top it all off, today is that stupid vegetarian day, so literally everything they serve here is plant-based cardboard shit. Ugh!’ She crosses her arms and slumps in her chair.
‘And we have that conservation trip to the beach tomorrow,’ says Brian. ‘Arsed with that.’
I say before I can stop myself, ‘You should really go along with Vegan Wednesdays. It needs all the support it can get.’
Archer groans. ‘God, love. Give it a rest for one day.’
‘One day?’ I repeat. ‘One day is a massive difference, Arch.’
His nostrils flare. Clearly, he doesn’t like being called out in front of his friends.
Well, tough, because today I’m not feeling particularly considerate.
‘I think it’s a great idea.’
Everyone looks at Chase.
He’s picked a vegan sausage roll, a brownie, and an apple. And he doesn’t look embarrassed to admit how much of a wonderful idea it is. In fact, he looks like he doesn’t care what anyone else at the table thinks. But he doesn’t look at me, even as I stare at him. Gratitude punches into me, and tears well.
Why do I always get emotional when he has my back?
Maybe because despite him ignoring me, he won’t let Archer belittle me.
Archer gives him a slow grin, but it looks cruel and twisted.
Chase’s expression is stony and reproachful as he meets his best friend’s gaze.
It makes me uncomfortable. They’d cleared up what happened in the meadow, but it’s evident Archer still isn’t quite over it. Evident in the way Archer slings an arm around my shoulders and lounges back in his seat.
Chase looks at me, and I stop breathing.
