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“Anyway. We broke up after college. She wanted to get married and start having kids right away. I was fine with marriage, but I wasn’t sure yet whether or not I wanted kids. My childhood...I don’t know.” I shake my head. “I wouldn’t want kids unless I knew I could give them something better.”
Hazel draws her knees up to her chest and tucks her chin on them. “How did she react when you told her?”
I grin wryly. “It was the final straw, apparently. Apparently, I was such a catch, she’d been holding her tongue every time I did something that bothered her. Every time I canceled on her last minute. Every time I left a dish in the sink. Every time she asked how my day was and I didn’t return the favor.” I take a sip of my beer. “Turns out, I was a shitty boyfriend. She was willing to compromise, because of all those qualities you mentioned. But the one thing she wasn’t willing to compromise on was having kids.”
The fight had gotten pretty ugly, expanding to cover everything from my studying technique to our sex life.
It turned out, there was something worse than my dad’s constant criticism of me.
It was someone who constantly criticized me in their head but kept it a secret because of what she thought I could do for her.
“That was shitty of her,” Hazel surprised me by saying.
I shrugged. “We were kids. The point is, I realized that who I was would always make relationships...complicated. I’d rather have honest, selfish hookups than dishonest relationships where everyone pretends to be something they’re not.”
Hazel studies me. “Doesn’t that get lonely after a while?”
Yes.
The instinctive answer surprised me. I never thought of myself as lonely.
Was I lonely?
I cover that moment of doubt up and flash her a cocky grin. “The trick is, don’t look down. Focus on the stuff that matters more. Work, fun...” I trail off, trying to think of something else.
But the truth is, mostly I just work.
I roll my shoulders, changing the subject. “What about? Why are you available on short notice for a fake marriage? Are you just not interested in relationships?”
Hazel snorts. “Hardly.” This time it’s her turn to look away. She readjusts herself, leaning back against the couch and tilting her head up to look at the sky. “There was this guy, back in high school. I loved him.”
“Did he give you his class ring?” I snark, mostly because the idea of Hazel getting her heart broken by some asshole puts me in some kind of mood.
She throws me a look. “I didn’t make fun of your story.”
I simmer down. “Sorry. Go on.”
“Anyway, I got a scholarship to NYU. We did the long-distance thing all through college. But when I got my dream job at that magazine, he didn’t want to move up to be with me. It turned out, he never wanted to leave West Virginia. So, if I wasn’t coming back...well, that was that.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “That guy was a fucking idiot.”
“Hey,” she says defensively. “West Virginia’s a nice place. Plenty of people love it there—”
“That’s not what I meant.” I finish my beer. “That covers high school and college. What about since then?”
Hazel sighs dramatically. “The state of online dating is bleak, Luke Dewinter.Bleak.”
I bite back a grin at her theatrics. “I’m still having a hard time believing you haven’t met some lucky guy in the last six years. You’re a person wholikespeople, Hazel. Arguably more than they deserve.”
She blows out a sigh and sips her beer. “I mean, sure, I’ve had crushes. But they never noticed me.”
I laugh. “Thatis bullshit.”
She prickles. “What would you know about it—”
“Trust me Hazel, you’re the kind of girl men notice.” Involuntarily my eyes linger on her dark eyes, before dropping to her mouth. “Even when they shouldn’t.”
Something shifts in her breathing.
