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We fall asleep. I wake, positive I have paint in crevices I’ll never be able to clean, but I don’t fucking care. I open my eyes, and Ash is gone. Next to my naked and colorful body is a note.
Noah,
Last night was beautiful. But I can’t do this anymore. You want a divorce and then you make love to me in a way I’ll never tire of. You want me, you want to raise our family together as we had planned, I’ll be at the cabin. Come get me. If not, after this weekend, I’ll start looking for a divorce lawyer. We just made love, and I didn’t think anything other than “this is my husband.” I love you. But I’m not a yo-yo. I can’t go from one extreme to the other. It’s unfair.
Ash
Is there a future in loving my twin brother? Can I still love him, without questioning my decisions? I don’t know if it’s ever going to be that simple.Our love isn’t simple. I don’t know if it ever was.
I think of a science lesson that has stayed with me for years. The scientific study of trees is calleddendrology and I always found it fascinating. As a branch is an extension of a tree, the intricate roots work together in a way that is unknown to the human eye. Yet, we know it grows beautifully from a simple seedling. Our teacher continued the lesson explaining so much of how trees grow, but at the end of the day, we look upon the tree with so much awe and curiosity.
Like the simple seedling growing into a strong tree, the human eye can’t explain how fate works. If two people are preordained to live their lives together, will destiny find a way to convolutedly weave their existence as one?
Can I accept that fate has intervened, after we were separated—giving us a second chance?
I’m either all in or all out. It’s a decision I have to make. And if I’m going to prove to Ashton that I’m all in, there is a lot I have to do. How did I think I could have ever walked away from him? Brother or not, he’s my whole world.
50
Ashton
I’ve beenat the cabin for two hours. It’s noon. I don’t know what to expect, but I keep myself busy cleaning. It’s been a while since it’s had a deep clean, and the place is in need. It looks like Noah has been coming up here a lot on the weekends. He has paintings all over the downstairs. I look around the cabin and inspect his pieces. All are some sort of expression of our life together. But I stop on this roadmap, all places on our map that are important to us. But in the paintings, is a pain that radiates off of every image, with the hazy pictures.
There is so much that I’ll miss without Noah as my partner, my husband. But we share parents. We share children. We will forever be a fixture in our lives.
I wasn’t lying. I’ll never love again, because there will be no one like Noah. Plus, I’d never hurt him, even if he’s giving up on us. I can’t see the pain in his eyes if he saw me kissing another man.
These paintings are beautiful. They deserve a home in this house, and I begin to frame them and hang them around the cabin. It needs a little bit of character anyway.
Right before all this shit went down, Liam, Noah, and I were talking about adding to the property. We wanted a large cabin, a room for the kids, a place to spread out, but not too much space. We loved our closeness with the kids here. But soon, Devin would have a family. We wanted him to have a place here too.
We didn’t know it at the time, but Liam had mentioned a girl he was serious about. And had wanted to make the main cabin larger, adding onto the back of it, not messing with the front part and the beautiful A-frame.
Who knows what will become of this place.
Evelyn told me last week, at dinner, with just Carl and her, that they were changing their wills. I was a part of their family too. She wanted to change everything, splitting it three ways, but I felt it was unfair. She swore she’d spoken to both Liam and Noah and they agreed. Not that Liam is speaking to anyone lately, except for Noah.
I miss Liam too. We barely see each other anymore. But he’s still processing a new family he never dreamt existed, and a father he never had the chance to meet. Then there's Tia. She's the sister he loves deeply and passionately, and certainly not in the way someone should love their sibling. If anyone understands this, it's me.
Have I forgiven Evelyn? It’s a question I often wrestle with. But the simple answer is yes. It’s much more complicated than it is simple, but at the end of the day, she was trying to do right by her boys. And me. Who knows what could have happened to mom, Tia, and me if we never got out of that horrible apartment building? But Evelyn loves with her whole heart.
The day turns to night, and I admire all the paintings on the walls. With the A-frame, the downstairs is virtually all walls. I have some hung high, some low, and some in between. Kate would be proud with my placing of the pieces. I found more of his art in a closet. There were so many different pieces, that I used it all. Or as many as I found frames for. There were some funky looking lamps, I’m sure were his grandfather’s in another closet, but it fit the vibe. I rearranged the furniture, washed some older blankets that matched with the overwhelming oranges in the paintings, and then I vacuumed.
I didn’t have the heart to go upstairs, to the bedroom we shared. And with a bathroom under the stairwell and off the living room, I didn’t have to.
I removed all the junk from the countertops, and I have a clear view of the living room and large windows that are completely full of the night sky.
I roll my watch over, searching the time. It’s well after nine. I’d been up too early this morning, especially given the fact that I’d drank myself into a stupor last night.
I’ll pull out the couch and sleep tonight, and head home in the morning. He’s not coming. The chances were low, anyway. It’s not our chemistry or love that had been in question. It never would be.
I take a glance at the beauties on the wall. Who knows if Noah would approve but I don’t care. I think it’s beautiful. I change into a pair of shorts and crawl into bed. This will be the last time I rest my head here.
When we said our vows, I never thought there was something that could break us up. I guess we weren’t as strong as I thought.
I close my eyes with thoughts of Noah. And there are so fucking many.
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