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“I remember thinking if I could just have one night’s rest. Or even just a nap. Just a few hours where I could sleep that I’d be okay. That I could make it. Charles was working even longer hours. He was never at home. One night he came in at ten and I begged him to take the baby just for a few hours so I could sleep. He told me that he had an early meeting the next morning and that since he worked and I didn’t, the baby was my responsibility. ”
“Jesus Christ,” Seth muttered.
“I existed that way for eight weeks. Eight of the longest weeks of my life. I drifted from feeding to feeding, diaper change to diaper change. She didn’t sleep at night and she was fussy during the day. There were days I cried while trying to quiet her because I was so desperate and I didn’t know what to do. What kind of mother can’t even comfort her own child? I didn’t realize at the time that she was feeding off my stress and anxiety. ”
Dillon’s hand slipped to her nape and massaged, offering her silent comfort.
“There was one night in particular that I didn’t sleep the entire night. She cried and fussed, and I rocked and soothed. Charles went to the downstairs guestroom so he wouldn’t be disturbed.
“The next day I was desperate for a nap. I was so happy when after I nursed her, I managed to get her to sleep in her crib. I remember staring down at her and thinking, thank you, God.
“And then I laid down on the loveseat in her nursery. I just wanted thirty minutes. Maybe an hour if she slept that long. ”
Tears streamed down her cheeks, and her throat swelled so much she could barely manage to get the words out. “I was just so tired. I needed just a few minutes. I couldn’t do it any longer. Just a few minutes.
“I woke up when Charles came in. He’d worried because he didn’t hear either of us. I was horrified at how long I’d slept and that Rose was still asleep in her crib. I remember scrambling off the couch feeling guilty because I hadn’t cooked. I hadn’t cleaned. I went over to check on Rose and she was completely still. ”
“Oh God,” Michael breathed. “Oh God, Lily. ”
“She was dead,” Lily choked out. “She’d been dead for at least an hour they later said. While I slept on the couch, my baby died. I killed her. Oh my God, I killed her because I wasn’t awake. I didn’t hear her. I wasn’t there when she needed me. ”
She dropped her face to her knees as sobs racked her body. They poured from her chest, tearing at her raw throat.
“He blamed me. He yelled at me. I stood there by the crib while he dialed 911, and he screamed at me the entire time that I’d let her die. How dare I go to sleep? How could I do this to our child?
“And I just stared at her, so numb, so disconnected. I couldn’t believe it. I touched her and she was cold. Her skin was already stiff. But still, I tried. I took her out and I performed CPR. I wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t accept that she was gone.
“The paramedics got there and I could tell by their faces that they knew, but I’d started CPR and they had to continue and I rode in that ambulance, knowing the whole time that she couldn’t be saved.
“Charles was so angry. He couldn’t forgive me for what I’d done. I couldn’t forgive myself. I went through the motions of her funeral. I dressed her myself. I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else touching her. I put her favorite blanket with her and her little stuffed bear that I’d brought home from the hospital.
“I remember watching, so detached as they lowered her tiny casket into the grave. Charles was so furious. He couldn’t even look at me. When we drove home, he tossed divorce papers at me and told me to sign. He wouldn’t stay married to a woman who took so little care of her child.
“I signed them and I walked out. I kept walking. I didn’t know where. It didn’t matter. Everything that mattered to me in my life was gone. ”
“Sweet Mother of God,” Seth swore.
“That son of a bitch,” Dillon bit out. “That goddamn worthless son of a bitch. ”
She jumped at the vehemence in his voice and huddled further into the blankets.
Michael was tightlipped. There was so much fury in his eyes that Lily had to look away. Anger vibrated from them in waves.
“Lily,” Seth began. He had to break off and look away for a moment while he visibly collected himself. “Lily, honey, it wasn’t your fault. God almighty, it wasn’t your fault. ”
“I was responsible for her,” Lily whispered. “If I hadn’t gone to sleep. If I had been watching her. Crib death, they called it. But if I’d been there, I might have prevented it. I slept while my daughter died. ”
The last ended in a keening wail as grief swelled up in her throat and burst outward in an agonizing wave. Tears poured over her cheeks.
Seth yanked her into his arms and rocked her back and forth, holding her so tightly that she couldn’t breathe around her sobs and his grasp.
“It wasn’t your fault, baby. It wasn’t your fault. ”
He rocked her until her sobs were spent. She lay limply against him, all her strength gone. Slowly and carefully he leaned her back against the couch and Dillon wrapped his arm around her.
Dillon nudged her chin until she was forced to look at him. There was terrible grief in his eyes—and anger. “Lily, listen to me and listen good. That son of bitch ex-husband of yours is a worthless piece of shit. He should have helped you. He should have been taking care of his daughter just as much if not more than you in those early days when you were so exhausted and beaten down. There is no excuse for him to have abdicated his responsibility. I don’t give a goddamn if he was president of the fucking world. His first and only responsibility was to you and to his child. Full stop. No excuses.
“And furthermore that the son of a bitch actually had the balls to blame you—to blame you—for Rose’s death just proves what a worthless piece of crap he is. Baby, you were at your breaking point. You took a nap. I don’t know of a mom alive who hasn’t slept while their baby naps. I can remember my mother laying down when Callie went down for her naps. She didn’t stand guard over Callie’s crib watching her every breath. You can’t do that. You aren’t a machine. You should have had help. Your husband damn well should have supported you. He’s a fucking coward and it was his guilt that made him lash out at you. He blamed you because he knew what a fuck-up he was. ”
“I just wanted to rest. Just for a little while. Oh God, Dillon, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so tired. Why did she have to die? Why?”
Tears seeped into Dillon’s shirt as he hugged her to him.
“I don’t know, baby. I wish I had the answers. What I do know is that it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t to blame. Sometimes babies die and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Even if you had been standing by her crib, she would have died. Crib death is a silent killer. There’s no explanation. It just happens. ”
