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“Nothing!” he snapped without thinking, then sighed, intertwining his fingers at his nape. Franklin was not vanquished on some forgotten island with no means to return. He was one of the richest men in the world who still held influence and power, and Cole wasn’t just an unknown paper pusher or businessman either. If Cole and I brought our love out of hiding, Franklin would know. Everyone would. “I don’t care what he’d think,” he amended. “Why do you?”
He didn’t know, because I’d been trying to spare him. To spare them both. He didn’tknow.Maybe telling him would bring him closure, because then he’d understand.
“Say something.” He was so close now, too close, and his hands were on me, his palms cupping the sides of my neck, cupping my hastening pulse, and all I could do was latch on to his forearms to stay on my feet. All I could think wasyes,he’s finally touching me.Yes,his touch still held love. “Please,” he begged brokenly.
“She knew.” The confession came from the deepest parts of me, contorting my voice as it traveled through my churning gut and past my shattered heart to break free of me. “Sheknew.”
“What?” he breathed, his face leeching of color. I glossed a hand over his cheek, the sharp hairs there abrading my skin.
“My…Ourmother knew. And she didn’t approve.”
“That isn’t true,” he said, unknowingly moving forward until my shoulders met the balcony door.
“She couldn’t conceive of her kids being with each other in that way. She hated it. She was also afraid of what it would do to Franklin on top of everything else.”On top of her dying.“Afraid of what it would do to you and me. Afraid our family would be irrevocably ruined and broken apart. She made me promise to end it right then. Made me promise not to tell Franklin, not to hurt him with this. And I gave her my word on both accounts. Only I broke one promise, and it killed her.Ikilled her, Cole.” She was my cool breeze on a dry summer day, my stars guiding me in the dark, and my sun through the gray clouds. We’d run through the rose garden during a spring rain shower. I’d take her riding on Warrior to reconnect whenever she felt guilty for being too preoccupied with her charity work, or she’d take me driving through the valley with the top down as the god-awful “Love Is A Battlefield” blasted through the speakers. And I killed her.
“All she had to do was hold on for one more day. AllIhad to do was hold off on loving you one more day, at the very least, until she had her new heart.That’swhat hurtsmethe most, Cole,” I cried. “She would be here. Sheshouldbe here.”
“Jasper,” he breathed, searching for his next words as if gearing up to make things okay for me.
I shook my head vehemently. “My plan was to end things with you that night, but all that would’ve changed once we’d gotten the call from the hospital the next day about her new heart. That would’ve bought us time to convince her. It would’ve given us all more time.” I blinked away the moisture budding behind my eyes. “I don’t deserve you. I can’t have you. And Franklin canneverknow.” Besides Cole, my mother was my everything. She was everything to all of us, and more.
“It wasn’t your fault, Jasper,” he tried, jostling me in his conviction, his hands tightening at my neck. “How can I make you understand that?”
He couldn’t. And I knew he wanted me to choose him. To choose us. To believe our love could conquer anything. But choosing him had cost me. Had cost us. Choosing him again would cost Franklin. And what would she think of me then? What was she thinking of me now? My thoughts must have been screaming too loudly, because a hopeless melancholy settled over Cole’s face. It hurt me to see the look of defeat. To watch as he came to terms with the fact that he couldn’t save me from this. But it didn’t hurt enough to make a difference.
“If anyone knows what it’s like to feel responsible for the death of a parent, it’s me. I had to battle that nightmare twice, Jasper. If I hadn’t gotten help when I did, our story would’ve had a much different ending,” he said, making a last-ditch effort. “Believe me when I say it’s not your fault.”
I shook off his words. “I won’t ever believe that.I can’t.”I tried to break away from the hug he was determined to wrap me up in. I was too raw for compassion, for love, and suddenly I didn’t want his understanding or forgiveness.
We tussled for a bit before my forehead tapped against his shoulder in surrender, anguish clawing at my insides as he rocked me, the back of his shirt balled between my fists.
“I don’t regret any of this,” he whispered into my ear. “Yes, I want more than you can give me right now. Yes, it kills me that it isn’t my ring you’re wearing as I make love to you inourbed. But there isn’t anything I can’t love you through, Jasper.”
I pinched my eyes shut, flattening my ear to his shoulder, hoping it would prevent me from hearing his parting words.
“One day, you’ll grow tired of being broken. You’ll rightfully give up on holding yourself accountable for the worst thing that ever happened to you. And I’ll be there to pick you up,” he promised, kissing my hair. “I’ll forgive every imaginable sin against me that your martyr’s heart will conjure up. I’m telling you this now because I know how your mind works, Jasper. And when our time comes, I don’t want a moment of it wasted on you beating yourself up. There isn’t anything I couldn’t forgive you for. There is nothing to forgive.”
I raised my head, my stare connecting with his red-rimmed eyes, drinking in all of him, all of his unconditional love.
“I’ll be here when you’re ready. Because one of these days you’re going to realize you deserve all the happiness I can give you.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, again, lips quivering. I fluttered my hands over his face, down to the spot at his throat I’d miss, the place I loved to fall asleep.
“I know,” he said, smiling sadly, kissing my lips softly. This was goodbye. We were over before we had even begun. “I can’t compete with your pain, angel. Your wounds are too deep for my love to reach. Too deep for my love to heal. You have to find a way past it. Butsomething’sgotta give because I can’t do this, and I know, right now, that something won’t be you.”
Jasper
COLE AND Ihad held each other for as long as we could last night. Until staying a minute longer would’ve meant entering the cycle again.
The ending of our affair mirrored a death. My own this time. I was an empty shell, a rotting corpse tasked with the job of making sure my husband couldn’t tell. I pretended to wake up ready to take on the day, when really, I hadn’t fallen asleep at all, I’d stared at the wall while Daniel snored peacefully at my back.
I drank the bland coffee he’d set on the bathroom sink as I gazed into the mirror seeing nothing, then smiled artificially when he’d angled his head, giving me an evaluating look.
I cooked and picked at the tasteless breakfast I’d nearly burnt when something as simple as eggs sent me into a paralyzing flashback of Cole. He loved eggs.
I showered, because it was what I always did after coffee and breakfast, and I needed to keep up appearances, but then the water went cold, and Daniel poked his head in chuckling, checking to see if I was still alive. I wasn’t, but I smiled and told him I’d be right out, anyway.
All things considered, I thought I was handling things well, until late afternoon when Daniel asked if I was okay.
