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I’m speaking distantly, not letting myself feel the emotions, not letting the sounds and the smells return to me.
“Remembered, I should say. He took his life a few years after I spoke to him.”
Kay shudders, moving somehow closer. With my arm wrapped around her, we’re as intimate as two people can be. Yet each time she moves, I know she’s offering more comfort, more warmth. I kiss her head, holding her as tightly as possible.
“That’s awful. No, that doesn’t even come close. It’s evil. I’m so sorry. I can’t believe that happened to you. I mean, I know it did. I believeyou. I’m just so, so sorry.”
I sigh darkly. “Me too. It was a bad time, but then I met your brother and your dad. I made a new family.”
She stiffens slightly in my embrace. I get why, I think. I can’t refer to Ryan as family because that would mean that Kay is, too, and we can never go there. It’s a strange notion, letting the idea of Ryan as mybrothergo. It’s either that or end things with Kay right now, definitively, with no doubts or backtracking.
“I don’t like to think of those years,” I go on, “but Ryan deserved to know. We were together so much growing up. He could always sense when one of those bullshit moods took me.”
“Why do you talk about it like that?”
“Because that’s what it is. Letting some stuff that happened years ago dictate how I feel now.”
“No, Kai. If you don’t let it out, it’ll eat you up. That’s why we’ve got each other.”
Tears appear in her eyes, beading and then sliding down her cheeks. She knows she shouldn’t be saying this, knows we shouldn’t bethinkingabout it, but we can’t stop. Even now. What does that say about us?
“We really should get going,” I tell her.
“Thank you for talking to me. I’m so sorry that happened. I’m so sorry the world is so messed up sometimes.”
I lean down and kiss her, breaking another rule. We never mean it when we say we will stay away from each other. We never believe, even for a second, that we can stop ourselves.
“Let’s go,” I tell her.
“What about your helmet?” she asks.
“I’ll have to go without. We can’t waste any more time.”
We head to the bike together. It’s odd, but I feel lighter somehow. Not just from the lack of a helmet and the wind rushing against my face as we ride. It’s like I’m leaving the past behind. Just for a little while, long enough to let me focus and forget about everything I’ve done wrong. Instead, I feel the road beneath me, the bike rumbling, my woman’s arms wrapped reassuringly around my waist.
CHAPTERNINETEEN
Kayla
“You need to eat,” he tells me as I remove my helmet. He must be able to see the guilty look on my face. Or maybe it’s not even alookthing. Perhaps he can sense the guilt radiating from me.
“Sure,” I mutter, “but Ryan—”
“He’s safe. He’s recovering. He’s not in serious danger.” Each word that comes from Kai gets gruffer and gruffer. When he looks at me, his intense eyes seem to burn. I wonder if he resents me for what we’ve done, the heat we’ve shared, now that Ryan is at risk.
“So you’re saying we shouldn’t hurry home?”
Kai shakes his head and then gestures toward the truck stop. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I’m saying that stopping for ten minutes won’t change anything.”
“You said we can’t waste time,” I remind him.
He walks right up to me. I can feel his heat. My body responds immediately. Guilty, charged energy pulses through me in waves. Even now, knowing that Ryan is in a hospital bed, knowing that the entire reason for this trip was a trick, I want my Kai. I want to drag my hands down his body, feel his strength, and pretend the rest of the world—oh, God, my ownbrother—doesn’t exist.
“Eating isn’t wasting time,” he grunts. “Taking ten minutes to get ready for more hard riding isn’t wasting time. You really think, if we didn’t need this stop, I wouldn’t keep pushing?”
I reach up and place my hand on his chest. His heart is pounding so hard. It’s like a series of bomb detonations, pulsing, roaring. “I’m sorry,” I murmur. “I know you’re right. I guess I feel like a bad sister lately.”
He laughs darkly. “Yeah, I know the feeling.”
