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Chapter Twenty-Two
Bear lay beside Winnielistening to her breathe deeply. He should be sleeping because the baby would be up in a couple hours but he couldn’t. In the last three days since the kids had come to live with them, he’d had zero alone time. Someone was always around and the list for taking care of the kids with the additional dishes and laundry was endless.
He needed a second to himself. He gingerly moved Winnie’s head off his shoulder, sliding a pillow underneath her. Her breathing stayed the same so he headed out to the kitchen, grabbing his reading glasses off the dresser. He didn’t need them very often but if he messed up a stitch and needed to fix it, he would. Plus he was turning on the bare minimum of lights. In fact, he’d use one of the rocker recliners in the breakfast nook area. Winnie had rearranged the house to make it easier for people to help with the kids. She’d originally had a treadmill and a separate TV near the fireplace area off the kitchen. When the guys had moved it out, she’d replaced it with two plush rocking recliners along with a large rug to make the stained cement floor a warm place for the kids to play.
He opened the closet to the left of the fireplace and grabbed his basket on the top shelf. The guys had brought his crochet supplies over when they’d moved all his stuff. He hadn’t had a free moment but crocheting always helped him focus his thoughts.
He settled in the recliner with the small light turned on beside him. He’d finished Regina’s blanket two weeks before Christmas and hadn’t been able to wait to give it to her. He’d crocheted a chevron pattern using the colors in her front room. When he’d delivered it to her house, she’d hugged him, cried, then hugged him some more. He was glad he could try to show her how much she meant to him.
After Regina’s, he’d started a blanket with a variegated yarn of blue. He hadn’t had a purpose for the blanket but he did now. He’d finish this as a small one for David then buy some variegated yarn in pink for Phoebe. Jesse had worn her pink overalls over the first day she’d dropped off the modified side by side and Phoebe couldn’t quit talking about how cute they were.
He chuckled quietly to himself. Looked like he was a girl dad and if she loved pink, then he would, too.
He worried, though, if he’d be a good enough dad. What if when the kids upset him, he started acting like his incubator did? Would he lock them in a room without food or heat? What if he snapped at some point and slapped them across the face like she’d done? He shivered thinking back over the times he could remember before Rascal rescued him. He knew people said little kids didn’t remember things but he had vivid memories of the things she’d done. At times, his dreams were vivid and he was back in that cold, dirty house with the woman who would rather hurt him than hug him. He didn’t remember any time she’d ever been kind to him.
What if she returned and tried to hurt the kids? He had so much anger toward her and the things she’d done to him as a child and as an adult. She might have birthed him but he wasn’t letting her anywhere near the kids. He slowed his breathing down when he realized his hand was clenching the crochet hook and he was shaking. As mad as he was at her, he knew he’d do everything in his power to keep them safe. He realized he’d rather kill himself than ever hurt them. Maybe Winnie was right and he should talk with a professional about his childhood. She’d mentioned she and her sisters had all gone to counseling after they lost their mom to deal with their grief. Winnie didn’t see it as weak. She’d reminded him it took a strong person to open their hand and reach for help. Maybe it was time to take the steps to heal from the past.
He turned back to the blanket and started crocheting again. The kids and Winnie deserved the best version of himself he could give them. Since he’d fallen in love with Winnie, he’d worried he’d be enough for her then they’d gotten the kids. Winnie grounded him and the peace he felt with her was indescribable. He wanted to make sure he was giving her the same back. He’d never be perfect but he could be enough for her and the kids. He’d take his hard days and share them with someone who could help him put them in perspective. He’d work on the blanket for a little bit but he was positive he had a plan that would help his family.
A creak had him turning toward the bedrooms. Phoebe stood there, sucking on her thumb, her brown curly hair pulled in front of her face.
“You okay, Phoebe? Couldn’t sleep?”
She nodded, keeping her head down. He laid the blanket and hook down, pushed the recliner down and walked slowly toward her. Bending down on one knee, he heard a creak from his knee. If he was going to keep up with three kids, he might need to take Winnie’s advice to do yoga, but he’d worry about that later. He put his hand lightly on Phoebe’s shoulder.
“Do you want to cuddle in the recliner or do you want me to come back and lie on the floor by your bed?” Tonight wasn’t the first night she’d woken up.
“Can we cuddle in the recliner and will you sing to me?”
He’d stumbled through singing a song to her last night before bed. She’d asked him to sing to her and he’d croaked out whatever she wanted as long as it brought a smile to her face with her dimple.
He settled into the recliner, leaning it back, and covered her with the quilt Winnie had in the basket. She moved around until she had her head exactly where she wanted and her cold feet tucked in. He wrapped one arm around her and held the quilt tighter around her feet.
“What song? Did your mom sing to you?”
Last night had been a couple of pop songs which Winnie had to help him with and a couple kid songs. He wondered what she’d ask for tonight. Winnie and he had discussed they weren’t acting like their mom had never existed. Cassidy had done what she could for them and deserved to have her memory kept alive.
“She sang ‘Hard Days’ or ‘Here Comes The Sun.’”
Winnie loved country and so did a couple of his brothers so he knew Brantley Gilbert’s “Hard Days.”
He started singing softly, trying not to wake anyone else. Phoebe hummed along with him for a little bit then her head got heavier along with her breathing. The words hit him right in the heart. He’d gone through some hard days but he had the chance with these perfect little children to make sure he lightened their days as much as he could. He sang the last couple words, waiting to see if she was really asleep. Maybe they’d stay here just a little longer. He switched off the light. He’d move her back to her bed in a minute. Right now, he was going to cuddle his girl and keep all the bad dreams away, for both of them.
