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“I like her, but they never stay for very long,” she said. “I always have a new nanny. You always tell me I should be excited and then they leave.”
If she was trying to break my heart, she succeeded. “I’m sorry. I wish I could make them stay.”
She climbed into bed with me pulling the blankets up to her chin and turning on her nightlight. “Is Dee picking me up from school tomorrow?”
“Yes.” I nodded. “You’re not just a little excited? I think Dee is different than the other nannies. I think she’s going to be a lot more fun.”
“Maybe.” She sighed. “But they are always fun and then they get grumpy. And then they leave. I think I make them mad.”
“You don’t make them mad,” I told her. “Sometimes people just have to get new jobs. It’s not you. You’re a great kid. You’re fun and sweet and they love you. I think Dee is different. She really wants this job.”
“We’ll see,” she said with no enthusiasm.
I gave her a kiss on the forehead. “We’ll give her a chance. If you don’t like her or you don’t think it’s going well, then we’ll start over. We’ll figure something else out. They do have that daycare center some of your friends go to.”
“Maybe,” she said with a yawn.
I stood back and watched her for a few minutes. She looked so peaceful and content. I wanted her to feel that same way. The soft glow of her nightlight illuminated the room, casting a warm ambiance that matched the affection I felt for her.
I left her room, feeling like the worst dad in the world. The poor kid had been a ping pong ball for the last few years. When she was really small, we had a great nanny, but when Lily started school, she went to a family who needed her full-time. Since then, it felt like we were on the nanny merry-go-round. I sometimes wondered if it would be better if I worked from home. I would take care of her. That was still an option I was considering. I could go to the office a few hours during the day and then spend the rest of my day at home. Then again, I didn’t want to be cooped up in my office while Lily roamed around the house all alone and bored. If this thing with Dee didn’t work, I would look into the daycare center. I wasn’t fond of it when we first looked, but maybe it was time to shift gears. The nanny thing wasn’t working.
The lunch on Saturday was great. I certainly had a good feeling about Deanna—Dee. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of relief and gratitude watching the two of them talk like they were old friends. I loved that Dee spoke to Lily on her level and didn’t expect her to sit and be quiet. Dee’s genuine interest in Lily’s hobbies and her infectious enthusiasm reassured me that she was the right person for the job. She possessed the qualities I had hoped for in a nanny. She had a kind and nurturing spirit, coupled with a zest for life. That was what I wanted Lily to have. I wanted her to feel like she could grow up and do anything and be anybody. Dee gave off that vibe, like she was used to taking life by the horns.
I made my way to my den—a small sanctuary where I could find solace and reflect on the challenges of the day. My entire life had been one challenge after another. I didn’t want my challenges to end up being Lily’s crosses to bear. I poured myself a drink and looked out the window and into the darkness. I couldn’t help but feel a mix of emotions welling up within me.
I sat down in my favorite armchair and took a sip of the amber liquid, its warmth coursing through me. Memories flashed before my eyes, both happy and painful, as I contemplated the journey that led me to this point. The journey that led me to becoming a single father long before I was ready to be a dad at all. I was twenty-seven when Lily came into my life. Back then, I was young and dumb and very immature. Sad thing was, I was the more mature one out of me and Mariah, which wasn’t saying much.
I often wondered where Lily’s mother had gone, what had driven her to leave without a backward glance. The void her absence had created was palpable, and I had done my best to shield Lily from the pain and confusion that came with not having a mother figure around. But deep down, I longed for answers—for closure.
I asked myself why at least a million times. I knew neither of us were ready to be parents, but it wasn’t like we were the first couple to find ourselves expecting a baby when we weren’t ready. Every first-time parent was unprepared. That was how we all learned. It never occurred to me I could quit. I couldn’t just resign my position as a father. I made the baby. She was mine to take care of.
My thoughts meandered through the myriad of moments I had experienced as a single father. The sleepless nights filled with worry and exhaustion, the milestones celebrated without Mariah, and the countless sacrifices made to provide Lily with stability and love. It had been a challenging road, but one I had walked with unwavering determination.
In the midst of my contemplation, I realized that Lily had grown into a remarkable little girl. I wasn’t going to take all the credit, but I certainly had a big hand in it. Izzy almost gave up her dreams of going to college in California to help me take care of Lily. I couldn’t let her do that. It was all on me. No grandparents were around to help. It was just me and Lily against the world, with Uncle Cam stepping in quite a bit. I had become both mother and father, embracing the dual roles with a tenderness and strength I didn’t know I possessed.
Cam had been a godsend. No one could have imagined two single dudes used to a life of partying and chasing women would find themselves spending Saturday nights changing diapers and trying to figure out how to feed an infant the right way.
I smiled, remembering some of those early months. It was nothing short of a miracle Lily survived. Poor kid. But she made it and instinct kicked in. She thrived and her mother missed out on every minute of the best and worst days.
I couldn’t shake the yearning for closure, for understanding. Where was Mariah? Was she safe? Did she ever think of the daughter she had left behind? I shouldn’t have cared. It wasn’t like I ever loved Mariah. We had fun and mistakes happened. Not that Lily was a mistake. Not in my eyes. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I wondered if Mariah could have eventually realized that.
Curious to know just what Mariah was up to, I pulled out my phone to do a little investigating. Although Mariah and I never talked, I did occasionally check up on her via social media. I typed in her name into the search bar, and there she was.
I shook my head at the images that filled the screen. Mariah was a beautiful woman. She was full of life and seemed to be constantly on the move. I remembered the first time I saw her. We were at a club and she was with a couple of her friends. I was only twenty-three the first time I met her. We hooked up. For nearly two years, we were very casual. Then things changed. We spent more time together and I actually thought we were going to be together for a while. We moved in together. A month later, we found out she was pregnant. After the shock wore off, we started making plans.
Looking back, I realized I was the one making plans. Mariah was never all that enthusiastic about the baby stuff. I should have realized there something was off. I should have asked her the question instead of assuming she was just going to stick around.
I scanned through one photo of another of Mariah out living her best life. Apparently, she was in the south of France. There was a series of pictures of her on a yacht with girlfriends. One picture caught my attention. I zoomed up a little and started laughing. “Those are new, Mariah,” I said with a shake of my head. I wasn’t staring at her tits, but they were kind of hard to miss in the tiny little triangles that barely covered her nipples.
That was one of Mariah’s many issues with the whole pregnancy thing. She was pissed she got big. I thought she was beautiful, but Mariah obsessed on her looks. She liked pretty things. Expensive pretty things. Back when she was pregnant, my little company was just starting to get some traction. Mariah wanted to hang out with rich men who would shower her with gifts and apparently boob jobs.
I frowned and looked a little closer. “Nose job as well.”
It was sad, but I couldn’t really care less about Mariah. At first, I had been sad. Hurt. And then angry. Eventually, I just didn’t give a shit. I considered myself lucky I dodged a bullet with that one. I did feel guilty, though. I should have tried to make her stay in Lily’s life. But then, that probably would have led to animosity toward an innocent little girl who did absolutely nothing wrong.
I put the phone down, dismissing Mariah’s playgirl ways. I knew one day Lily would ask to meet her. I checked up on Mariah now and then to see if she was worthy of meeting the daughter she walked out on. In my opinion, she wasn’t. But my opinion wasn’t the one that mattered. If Lily was old enough and mature enough, I would have to tell her about her mom. She could make the decision to reach out.
The weight of my thoughts pressed on me. I reminded myself that the most important thing was the present—the bond I shared with Lily, the love we cultivated day by day. I couldn’t change the past or force answers, but I could create a future filled with love and stability for my daughter. Mariah chose her path and I chose mine. I truly didn’t care and I hated myself for even looking at her social media.
