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It was a little strange to think he had already been in the room and I never heard him.
“I’ll tell Dad you’re going to take me to school,” she said.
“I’ll be down in a few minutes,” I told her.
I went into the bathroom to take advantage of the toothbrush I saw in the drawer, then I dressed and headed downstairs.
Ramsey was just dishing up some scrambled eggs onto three plates. “Good morning,” he said.
“Morning.” I nodded.
Lily seemed perfectly fine after her nightmare the night before. She was smiling and drinking orange juice at the table.
“Can I help with anything?” I asked.
“No, go ahead and have a seat,” he said.
I took a seat at the table. Ramsey delivered the plates with eggs before going back to open the oven. To my surprise, he had a stack of pancakes ready to go.
“How did you manage to make all this?” I asked, impressed.
He chuckled. “I’m a man of many talents.”
I smiled and dug into my plate. The eggs were fluffy and the pancakes were perfectly golden brown. Lily chattered on about her upcoming day at school, and Ramsey and I listened intently. It was nice to have a sense of normalcy, even if it was just for a little while.
“Do you have any sisters or brothers?” Lily asked me.
I shook my head. “No.”
“Did you want a sister or brother?” she asked.
I had to consider how to answer that. “Not really. I thought I wanted a sister, but I had a really good friend who was like my sister.”
I didn’t want to tell her I learned early on I didn’t need brothers or sisters. It would have made things worse. My parents were not good people. They were even worse parents. They could only think of themselves. Even then, they struggled. Their worlds were consumed by drugs. They fought one addiction after another.
No.
Not true.
They didn’t fight their addictions. They leaned in to them. There was lots of alcohol. Lots. I remembered getting home from school when I was Lily’s age and not being able to wake up my mom and dad. Empty liquor bottles and still smoldering cigarettes were all over the place. They drank. They smoked. They partied.
I remembered the many, many parties they threw. The parties coincided with their unemployment checks. My parents never worked. My dad did on occasion, but it never stuck. They got money from the state and blew it over a weekend.
Some of the parties were terrifying. They were loud and my supposedly safe space was filled with dangerous adults. One party had scared the shit out of me. I remembered pushing my dollhouse in front of the door in an attempt to barricade myself in my room. Now, as my adult self, I realized my cheap, plastic dollhouse was never going to stop an adult.
I remembered being alone in the house all night because my parents were out at the bars. I was younger than Lily and I was home alone all night. I got up in the morning by myself. I honestly couldn’t remember how I managed to do it. I got myself dressed and went to school with no breakfast. Fortunately, my school offered a breakfast program. I probably would have starved to death if it hadn’t been for that program. As I sat there thinking about my childhood, I could feel the anger and frustration boiling inside me. I had always wanted to leave that place behind, but it always found a way to catch up with me. It was like a dark cloud that followed me wherever I went.
But now, as an adult, I had a chance to make things right. I had a chance to create a life that I could be proud of. A life that was free from the demons of my past. And I was determined to make the most of it. I was not my parents. I was determined to be a good nanny. I wanted to be a good influence on Lily.
After breakfast, I helped Lily gather her things for school. Ramsey gave her a goodbye hug before she ran out the door toward the garage.
“Thank you for taking her to school,” Ramsey said.
“It’s no problem,” I said. “I’m going to take the car to the carwash and see if I can get it cleaned up.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said.
“I’m not going to leave the car a muddy mess.” I laughed.
