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ChapterTwenty-Two
Deanna
Isat across from Colleen, clutching my coffee mug tightly, seeking solace and guidance. The weight of my dilemma weighed heavily on my heart, and I knew I needed to confide in someone who would listen without judgment. Someone who would kick me in the ass and push me in the right direction.
“It’s just… it’s complicated.” I sighed, my voice filled with a mix of frustration and longing. “Ramsey won’t even speak to me. I pick up Lily from school and take her home. We do homework and whatever. When he gets home, I leave. We barely acknowledge each other. He’s a stubborn ass. It’s only a matter ofwhenhe fires me. It’s notif. My days are numbered.”
“I thought you loved your job as his daughter’s nanny,” she said, her voice gentle yet probing.
A wave of sadness washed over me as I nodded, my gaze fixed on the table. “I do,” I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. “Working with Lily, seeing her grow, it’s been such a rewarding experience. But being around Ramsey, seeing him every day… it’s torture. It’s a constant reminder of what we had and what we lost. I hate that we were so close and now he wants nothing to do with me.”
“You can be a little stubborn yourself,” she said. “You’re pissed he busted you and called you out on the lie.”
“He could have mentioned he knew my résumé was bullshit,” I muttered. “He made me look like an asshole.”
She laughed. “Technically, I think I made you look like an asshole. I’m the one who put that thing together. It was a beautiful résumé.”
“Yeah, but obviously I couldn’t pull it off,” I muttered.
“Lily likes you,” she said. “I think you pulled it off with the person who really matters. And she’s still alive, right?”
I rolled my eyes. “If that’s the bar I had to meet, yeah, she’s alive.”
“You just need to tell him how you feel,” she said. “Tell him he’s an asshole for lying to you.”
“But I lied to him.”
“Yes, you did.” She nodded. “You both lied.”
“I know he’s just biding his time until he can find a better nanny,” I muttered. “I know he’s not going to give me any warning. It’s just going to be a big fuck-you when he no longer needs me.”
“You have to tell him,” she said. “I think you can both agree you’re a good nanny. So what if you didn’t know not to send peanut butter to school? I doubt he knew it either until someone told him.”
“I hate to admit it, but I miss being there,” I said. “I miss having dinner with them and hanging out. I miss that fucking bathroom. My shitty apartment feels like a hovel compared to their house. I got spoiled by endless hot water and a well-stocked fridge. I swear, if I have to eat more ramen, I’m going to vomit.”
“You’re still getting paid,” she said. “Why in the hell are you eating ramen?”
“Because I know the job is going to end soon,” I said. “I’m trying to save the money. I’m going to have to go back to waitressing. I’m hoping to put that day off for as long as possible.”
“Why don’t you just tell him you want to be her nanny?” she asked. “Be blunt. The two of you don’t have to have sex again. Just be the nanny. That’s what he hired you for. He didn’t hire you to be his bed buddy. Tell him you’d like to keep it professional for Lily’s sake. If he can’t deal with that, then fuck him. You don’t have to keep torturing yourself. You’re miserable.”
Tears welled up in my eyes as I struggled to find the right words. “I don’t want to abandon Lily,” I whispered, my voice filled with a mix of guilt and desperation. “She’s become like family to me. But I can’t keep torturing myself by staying in a situation that is no longer healthy for me. She’s going to pick up on the negative energy. We try to play it off, but she’s a smart girl. She’s going to know.”
Colleen nodded, her eyes filled with empathy. “You’re not abandoning Lily,” she reassured me. “Sometimes, we have to make difficult choices for our own happiness and mental well-being. Maybe it’s time to have an honest conversation with Ramsey and explain your feelings.”
A knot formed in my stomach at the thought of confronting Ramsey, of opening up the wounds that were still so raw. But deep down, I knew my friend was right. It was time to face the truth, to find a resolution that would bring me peace.
Taking a deep breath, I straightened my posture and looked my friend in the eye. “You’re right,” I said, my voice filled with determination. “I need to have that conversation with Ramsey, to express how I feel and find a way forward. It won’t be easy, but I owe it to myself and to Lily.”
As I left the café, a newfound sense of resolve settled within me. The road ahead would be difficult, and I couldn’t predict the outcome. But I knew that by confronting the problem head-on, I could avoid more hurt feelings. If I wasn’t going to be in Lily’s life much longer, I felt like it was better to get it over with now before we got any closer.
I checked the time and started on my way to Ramsey’s house. I was taking Lily to school today. He had to be to work early for a meeting. It was late start, which meant Lily and I would have an hour longer than usual.
I pulled my shitty little car into the multi-million-dollar property and parked. I stepped out and nearly fell on my ass. It was slick this morning. Last night’s rain had turned into this morning’s ice. I duckwalked up to the front door and let myself in.
Ramsey was in the kitchen, sipping coffee and reading his phone like he did every morning. It was hard to see him and not want him. He glanced my way and quickly looked away. He dumped the rest of his coffee into the sink.
Lily was sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal. “Good morning,” I greeted her.
