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Rian let out a rush of air on the edge of a laugh and swiped at his mouth. “I’ll take it. Cooking was never my strong suit.”
“Then we’ll make a very awkward couple because it’s not mine either.” It felt good to ease some of the tension between them, and the rest of the dinner passed in easy silence as they cleared their plates.
Eventually, Raphael’s exhaustion caught up with him, but he wasn’t quite ready for Rian to go, so they burrowed under the quilt, and Raphael turned the TV on low. He wasn’t as comfortable as Luca was, but Raphael knew then it was simply a matter of trust and familiarity, and he allowed himself to sink into the circle of Rian’s arms. He didn’t flinch when Rian’s fingers snagged a knot, or when his nails were too soft dragging against his scalp.
It was just an adjustment.
“Does anyone take care of you after…you know? Those episodes.”
“Seizures, not episodes,” Raphael corrected with a yawn he couldn’t stop. “And sometimes yes, sometimes no. Luca usually sits with me for a few hours after, or a day if the seizure is really bad. But sometimes they’re small, and I come out of it right away. After those, I need a nap, but not much else.”
Rian hummed, twisting some of Raphael’s hair around his finger. “Is Luca the man you’re in love with?”
If he hadn’t been asked that a hundred times already, he might have laughed. Even now, it made him smile, but he could hear the tension in Rian’s tone, because it was far too easy to see Luca as a threat. No one, of course, would consider Dmitri. Raphael sometimes felt like he had a large, blinking sign declaring his love for the younger man, and hardly anyone noticed.
And it enraged him in small ways, and he was grateful in others, because it protected Dmitri from having to face Raphael and tell him no.
“He isn’t,” Raphael said. He was determined to evade without lying. “Luca is an incredibly important person to me, but we have never considered each other like that.”
“It’s—” Rian said, then stopped and huffed a laugh, shaking his head. “I’m jealous of you two.”
Raphael blinked up at him. “What for?”
“That relationship? I have never had anything like that in my life. I saw him with you in the back room and…shit. I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend love me that much.”
Raphael had known he was lucky—that he was blessed more than a lot of people, in spite of the fact that he’d fled his childhood home and left everyone he’d ever known behind. He’d started out entirely alone and gained something profound and beautiful.
“It’s rare,” Raphael admitted. “I’ve cared for a lot of people, but being here is different.” He laid his head against Rian’s chest and listened to the easy, rhythmic thumping of his heart. “Please don’t worry about him.”
“But there’s still someone,” Rian pointed out.
Raphael stiffened a little, and Rian’s arms tightened around him. “If there was a button to turn this off, I would have pressed it a long time ago. And part of it is my fault.”
Rian lifted a brow as he looked down at him. “How’s that?”
“Because I haven’t had the motivation to let go before.” He drew his lower lip between his teeth and bit down lightly. “It’s never been worth it.”
“But it is now?”
There was so much hope in the question, and Raphael hated himself a little for it, because it was worth it, but not for Rian. He was doing it partly for Dmitri, but mostly for himself.
“It’s time,” he finally breathed out, then yawned, his jaw cracking from it, and Rian dragged a hand through his hair.
“You should sleep,” he murmured, and Raphael nodded. He was halfway there already, and he had to admit, it really was nice not being alone.
16
Dmitri managedto scrape together enough hours to pay his bills, and even though his cupboard was full of nothing more than canned soup and ramen, his car had gas, and he had managed not to entirely fall apart as mid-terms approached. He didn’t take Rian up on the offer of a sneak peek at the exam questions, though. He wanted to face this year down with integrity, and in reality, he didn’t want to owe him anything.
He offered just a small piece of advice when Rian had asked. The way to Raphael’s heart was simple—food, attention, comfort. But more importantly, Rian needed to stay. In spite of how angry Raphael got, in spite of how abrasive he was, and rude, and reluctant, Raphael was looking for someone who wouldn’t give up. Everyone he thought about building a future with had walked away the moment Raphael seemed inconvenient.
He couldn’t scale mountains with the speed of Chiara, so she’d absconded in the middle of the night with a note holding pretty lies and broken promises.
Cody had taken Raphael by the hand and told him everything about him was worth it. And then, when his body didn’t want to cooperate and the realization that at some point Raphael would need more than just a hand to hold, the reality became too much. Him breaking it off was a kindness, Dmitri knew. If he hadn’t, there would have been anger and resentment, and Raphael would have walked away with his heart in tatters rather than bruised.
So, if Rian was in this—if he really meant to love Raphael without conditions—he had to prove it. And he had to love him as a whole, complete thing, no matter what state his body was in.
After that, Dmitri didn’t need details, didn’t want them. Raphael’s texting had slowed to a near stop, only one or two over the last week just to say hi. But Dmitri could feel their bond cracking, and one day, a single step would shatter it to pieces.
