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“Hey, I didn’t think you were,” Paxton answered quietly.
Dmitri glanced away. “Some people would disagree. I figured it out pretty quick. I like men, I want to be with a man. But I just don’t get aroused.” His words were too simple to explain the sea of feelings that raged through him when he thought about sex. He felt angry, suddenly, that there wasn’t enough language available to make Paxton understand exactly how it was.
Paxton was quiet for a long time, then his hand crept out, and he brushed his pinky against Dmitri’s. “How do you feel about holding hands?”
Dmitri felt everything all in a rush—the last of his fear, his anxiety, surprise, happiness, relief. It nearly knocked him over, and though his head was spinning, he still managed to turn his palm over and let Paxton tangle their fingers together. “I like it.”
Paxton’s grip on him tightened. “Cool.”
Dmitri didn’t know what it meant—if it meant anything. But it definitely felt like a start.
* * *
Dmitri was so busy,he hadn’t been able to see Paxton again after their date, but they spent hours texting, and Paxton promised to meet him out front at the hotel when he arrived for Noah’s party. Dmitri was exhausted from studying, then his late night working with Wilder to help prep cupcakes for the dessert buffet—and then he was up by the lake at dawn, cleaning the campsites so Roman wouldn’t notice the mess and make his flare worse.
What he wanted more than anything was to sink into a hot bath when he was finished and then sleep through the whole weekend, but Dmitri was trying to be better. He was going to the party mostly for himself now.
He wanted his friend—he needed Raphael in his life. He’d be damned if he gave up squashed Twinkies and Chinese take-out just because Raphael was falling in love. He wanted the next year to lose that undercurrent of want—of hope that maybe there was something more to their soft laughter and easy stargazing. The idea of romance belonged to another man now, and Dmitri would be satisfied with friendship.
He spent two hours getting ready—trying on a dozen outfits before settling on a pair of torn skinny jeans that Luca had gifted him, and a white button up that his friends insisted made him look like a C-pop star. He had never really been able to look at himself in the mirror and see a man someone would want to be with, but tonight he wanted to try.
He had mostly settled back into his skin, skin that was uniquely his, and not ashamed or desperate to be anyone else. Savannah had put him through a lot, but it had given him that gift. It was the home for wayward souls—and sometimes they were born there, but a lot of times, just like him, they tripped over the border and never turned back.
Dmitri stood at his coat rack, staring at the more practical rain jacket, but Jayden had given him a peacoat in rich black with huge buttons for his birthday. He thought it made him look like a pretentious ass, but tonight he was going for it.
He made the drive to the hotel in no time. He felt grown-up all of a sudden, in ways that he hadn’t felt when he got his first apartment or when he got his first job. He felt like a person taking control of his life, and that might not end with Paxton being the one single, perfect person who really got him, but at least it could start there.
Paxton hadn’t pressed him on sex again on their date—hadn’t asked him awkward questions, hadn’t implied that something was wrong with him. He’d just accepted it, and then reminded Dmitri that he’d agreed to go to Noah’s party with him.
“Like a date,” Paxton said.
And Dmitri’s cheeks flushed as he nodded and let Paxton hold his hand all the way to the car.
This wasn’t like Felix. This wasn’t like anyone else. Paxton had a reputation around town, and Dmitri had been nervous, but maybe he suffered the same fate of rumors Dmitri had all those years ago when he came back the angry, troubled kid with an open CPS case and an anger management class. Maybe everyone was just too willing to misjudge him.
He found parking near the front entrance, palming his keys as he checked his reflection one last time in the window. There were a handful of people milling around the front, but he figured almost everyone was inside because the air was growing thinner and sharper with another snowstorm on the way. His fingers ached by the time he made it into the lobby, and for a second, he looked around in a half panic, because there was no one he recognized apart from staff.
“Hey.” The soft, familiar voice startled him, and Dmitri turned, letting out a small laugh of relief when Paxton walked up. He looked as good as always, in trousers and a button-up shirt. He was dressed more formal than Dmitri, but before he could panic, Paxton put his hands on his shoulders and bussed a kiss against his cheek. “You look so fucking hot.”
Dmitri just wanted to feel normal for a little bit, even if the compliment made his stomach churn, so he took Paxton’s hand and squeezed it. “Thank you. So do you.”
Paxton grinned widely and tugged Dmitri toward the hall that led to the ballroom. He could hear a dull, thumping music in the back, and the faint sound of chatter as they approached. “It’s so weird to be here off the clock. Was this what it was like at the lake?”
Dmitri shook his head. “Nah. I used to hang there all the time before Roman hired me.”
“Well, this is new for me. I wasn’t sure how whole thing was going to work anyway since you know, Adriano’s like…hearing impaired or whatever.”
Dmitri winced. “Yeah, uh. I think that term is offensive.”
Paxton frowned. “No, it isn’t. I mean, it’s better than deaf, right?”
“Wilder hates it, and he comes from a Deaf family. He says—” But Dmitri’s words were cut off when Paxton pulled the door open and led him through. He was faintly annoyed that Paxton had cut him off, but he felt a faint stab of anxiety as he was confronted with a bunch of people standing around, talking, smiling, laughing.
These were his people. And they weren’t. He’d known so many of them since he was a kid, but most of them didn’t look at him twice these days. He spied his aunts in the corner talking to Antoine, and Rose waved at him to come over.
“I’m going to grab us drinks,” Paxton murmured near his ear.
“I should go say hi to my aunts,” Dmitri said. Their hands fell apart, and he swiped his palm over his jeans as he walked into Rose’s waiting, open arms.
