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“He didn’t,” Dmitri said flatly.
Roman winced. “I didn’t mean to imply that the other night wasn’t bad enough.”
“No, that’s not what I thought.” Dmitri filled a paper cup with the hot water, then dropped a lemon inside and snagged a honey stick Will had sent over from his latest harvest. The leather on his desk chair was cold under him, but he liked the distraction as he fired up his computer. “Honestly, I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts right now. It’s a lot, but…” He bit his lip, then he let himself smile a bit. “Things aren’t all bad.”
“Raphael?” Roman asked.
Dmitri rolled his eyes and couldn’t stop his smile. “It feels weird to be so upset and so happy all at the same time.”
At that, Roman laughed, and he sat back, crossing his arms over his chest. “Did I ever tell you about the morning Aksel and I finally told each other about our feelings?”
Dmitri sipped the sweet lemon water and glanced over the rim of his cup at Roman, shaking his head. “No,” he said after he swallowed.
“We hadn’t talked for a long time. Too long. But I got my head out of my ass eventually, and I showed up at Aksel’s one night. He was living in Richmond at the time, working at the hospital there for his residency. He probably should have thrown me out, but he let me spend the night. The next morning, he said he’d forgive me if I swore never to leave his side again.”
Dmitri’s eyebrows rose. “I mean, that sounds like him.”
Roman snorted another laugh. “He was dead serious about it too, and I knew that nothing in the world would make me happier.”
“So, you just pasted your hip to his?” Dmitri asked.
At that, Roman’s eyes darkened. “I tried. Literally. But I couldn’t get up. My legs were totally paralyzed, so instead of having the best morning of our lives, he had to rush me to the ER.”
Dmitri bit his lip and cleared his throat. “Is that when you knew you had MS?”
“It took a few days to figure it out, but yeah,” Roman said quietly. “He laid next to me in that shitty hospital bed and told me that he was going to marry me someday, and that I wasn’t allowed to say no when he finally asked. I said okay, but I was reeling from the news that my life would never be the same—that all those times I thought I was just tired or overworked were just foreshadowing my body giving up on me.”
Dmitri swallowed thickly. “I’m sorry.”
Roman waved him off. “Don’t be. Sometimes I hate how MS makes me feel, but loving Aksel is the simplest thing I’ve ever done. And I’m starting to think I might feel the same way about Knox. The hardest parts of my life have also come with the easiest.”
Dmitri sighed into his cup. “I think I understand that now.”
“When I leave Savannah…”
Dmitri’s eyes shot up. “Wait…what? You’re leaving? I thought you just wanted toretire.”
Roman’s cheeks went a little pink, and he looked guilty. “It’s not something I ever thought I would do, but Knox wants to go back to school. He had these big plans before he met us, and Aksel wanted more than to be some local GP catering to a bunch of old people with sore backs. They’re both here right now for me.”
Dmitri wanted to cry suddenly—and not just because he’d miss Roman. He wanted to cry for all the changes, even the good ones. He wanted to cry because he had spent a lot of time believing he would never be loved the way Roman loved his partners, but now he had Raphael, and it seemed too good to be true. He wanted to cry, because he had a lot of ugly scars under his skin, and moments like the one he had with Paxton reopened those wounds.
“I’m sorry,” Roman said quietly. He wheeled over and came to a stop beside Dmitri’s desk. “I should have found a better way to tell you.”
Dmitri realized he was crying again when he brushed his cheek and found it wet, and he wondered if he was on the verge of a proper melt-down. “It’s not just that. Shit, sorry. I’m a mess.” He scrubbed at his face, then rubbed the edge of his finger under his nose. “I’ll miss you, but I don’t blame you. Where will you go?”
“Washington,” Roman said, and he smiled in a way Dmitri had never seen before. “Knox got back in to the University—he’s going to be a pharmacist when he’s done. I know my body’s done with this work. Every flare is that much harder to come back from, and I’m tired of pushing myself to the point of exhaustion.”
“I can do more,” Dmitri said. “If you need me to.”
“I want you to do what you’re doing now. It’s not going to be tomorrow. Knox won’t start until next fall, so there’s time. I think Mark is going to take over for me until you’re done with your degree, and I can go knowing that this place will be in good hands.”
Dmitri bowed his head. “It’ll be weird without you.”
Roman chuckled and shrugged. “I’ve never left Savannah. I mean, not really. Not for more than a short vacation. I always kind of thought I’d die here, but seeing the look on Aksel and Knox’s faces when I told them we could go…it was worth it. The fear, the change. It’ll all be worth it.”
Dmitri understood—in a way more profound than he had words for. Staring at his future with Raphael was like staring into the sun—painful and sharp, but beautiful and blinding. It was everything, and he wanted it. He wanted to let it consume him, to destroy him, so he could rebuild himself into someone without weight, without fear. And it was probably impossible, but if he had the chance, it was only because his love for Raphael had made him braver, and stronger, and a little bit more desperate.
21
