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She’s got no mercy for a broken asshole like me.
HELL DWELLS BETWEEN THE WALLS OFGabriel’s home. Yet I can’t bear the idea of leaving. I love his house. I loved it more with him here. I ache when I walk through his bedroom to use his bathroom so I don’t have to share the guest bath with Rowdy. I’m staying in my old room, Rowdy, in the room across the hall. I can’t bring myself to sleep in Gabriel’s room—his bed—without him. Maybe a part of me hopes he’ll come to his senses and fight for us. Fight for me.
No one’s ever done that. Not my father. Not Austin. And now, not even Gabriel. It seems I’m not worth fighting for.
Except I am.
Iam fighting for me. I’m fighting my every instinct to run to wherever Gabriel is and make him see he is capable of loving me. If he’d only give us a chance, stop believing the negative crap in his head. I know he had a tough childhood. His dad was an ass, and though Gabriel may have learned how to be an ass from his father, he’s not him. Gabriel would never beat me or his children. He’s afraid. My Big Man with the strength to pin a heavyweight fighter to the mat time and time again, who’s undefeated, is afraid he’s not strong enough to overcome his past.
I fear it too—for myself. I know nothing of being a mother, but it looks like I’m going to be one nonetheless. Not necessarily sooner than I thought, but definitely not the way I pictured it. I never thought I’d be a single mom. I envisioned having children with Austin, loads of them.
I wasn’t with Gabriel long enough to dare dream of having his children. I shied away from such thoughts, knowing how he felt about kids. He doesn’t hate them. He’s great with Violet, Lili and Donovan’s daughter. He lights up when she smooshes his face between her hands and plants a big kiss on his lips. He’s like putty in her hands. A big tub of goo, there to do her bidding. And he loves every second of it.
But having his own children is a different story. I understand. I don’t blame him. I don’t hate him. I’m not even mad at him. I’m just sad. Sad that a future with me isn’t worth fighting for—whatever that looks like.
I need a man who’ll put me first, ahead of his insecurities. His fears. A man who will fight forme. Gabriel may be letting me live in his home. But it’s not enough. I know I can’t stay here forever, but for the immediate future, I’ll take advantage of his generosity. I’ll relish every moment and remember a time when he was here with me—sharing his space but not his heart.
I eye the containers of frozen food. Pulling out a casserole dish big enough to feed an army with the word ‘lasagna’ written across the tinfoil, with reheating instructions, I stick it in the oven.
He can cook. I’ll miss that too.
I peel a banana to take with my prenatal vitamin and set the timer. It’ll be a while before the lasagna’s ready. Refilling my water, I pop the pill, barely getting it down before Rowdy appears in the doorway.
“What’s that?” He eyes the prescription bottle on the counter.
I take another drink of water and answer around a bite of banana, “Nothing.”
He picks up the bottle, reading the label. “It appears you need to takenothingonce a day.” He pins me with his eyes. “It’s a ninety-day supply with four refills. That’s a lot ofnothing.”
“It’s a multivitamin.” Finishing off the banana, I throw the peel in the trash and stick my head in the pantry. I need something else to tide me over.
“Hungry?”
“Yeah.” Starving, actually. We’ve been home for two days, and when my appetite finally came back, it came back full force, like, I-need-to-eat-every-few-hours full force. I give up on the pantry and start pulling stuff out of the fridge.
I’m about three slices of ham wrapped around cheese in when I note Darkboy leaning against the counter, arms folded, eyeing me.
“Is there something you need to tell me?” His brow quirks in interest.
“What?” I mumble around the excessive amount of food in my mouth. I’m hungry and eating for two here. Clearly.
“Didn’t you just have a bowl of cereal?”
I nod.
“Two pieces of toast?”
I shrug.
He glances to the left. “Put food in the oven?”
“It’s frozen. It’ll take a few hours,” I clarify.
He nods on a smile. “A banana, and enough meat and cheese for more than a few sandwiches?”
“Your point?” I finish off another ham-cheese wrap and my glass of water.
He grabs my cup and refills it while munching on a slice of cheese. He places my water on the counter next to me. “I just find it curious.”
