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Maybe it was always you.His words pack a punch, stealing my breath, and have thoughts racing that are better left alone.
You could be what Frankie needs.
The vision of Frankie’s abdomen swollen with my baby has my feet moving before my brain commands it.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
CAP SAID I HAD TO WAITtwo weeks before returning to Black Ops Gym. It’s been three. I’ve always loved coming to the gym, working with the fighters, and Cap. But a part of my joy is missing now, taken by Austin and Gabriel, the two faces I looked forward to seeing most throughout my day. That was my reality for nearly nine years with Austin, and if I’m being honest, nearly five years with Gabriel too. I’ve always felt the pull of Gabriel even when I was madly in love with Austin. Or maybe I wasn’t as in love as I thought. For as much of an asshole as Gabriel was to me, he still turned my head, had my heart racing, and my girly parts lusting.
In hindsight, I hadn’t been as repulsed by Gabriel as I pretended to be. In fact, I wasn’t repulsed at all. I was hurt by his disregard and confused by my body’s reaction to someone who treated me so poorly. And no matter how he treated me, I still wanted his approval. I never would have cheated on Austin, but I still wanted to be seen by Gabriel.
Daddy issues, clearly.
Gabriel’s absence and the failure of our relationship feels like it will be more daunting the moment I step foot in the gym. His absence from one of his favorite places is more proof I’m not worth fighting for. He moved to another state to avoid me, for God’s sake. I know. I said I was worth the fight. I’m still working on believing it myself. My doubting inner voice is hard to silence. Plus, the pregnancy is taking its toll, sapping my energy, and I just may puke more food in a day than I actually consume. I’m not sure. Could be a draw.
As I stand in the parking lot outside the gym, I’m reminded of the last time I returned to work after Austin dislocated my shoulder. Only that time, I had Gabriel by my side, holding my hand and promising to fuck me on the training room floor so everyone knew I was his.
Crap, no more tears!These stupid pregnancy hormones have me crying at nothing. And don’t get me started on my heightened sex drive. I want sex all the time and no prospects in sight. Though I don’t want somebody new. I want somebody old, and grumpy, who shows me no mercy when it comes to loving my body. It was only my heart he didn’t want. My body? He couldn’t get enough of.
“You comin’ in, darlin’?”
I dry my tears with my sleeves, thankful I don’t wear makeup most days, and nod at Rowdy as he nears.
He smiles softly as he takes in my undone state. “You don’t have to do this today. Cap won’t mind giving you more time, I’m sure.”
“Tomorrow, next week, next month—it’s all the same. Nothing will be different. The man I love is no longer in there, no longer in my life. He doesn’t want me for the long haul. And I’m in a long-haul kind of situation.” I hold my stomach, wondering if Gabriel gave me a girl or a boy. Either way, I hope he or she has his blue eyes. I’ll love this baby with all the love its father didn’t want from me. I have a new reality, and stepping through those doors cements its last pillar into place. Single momdom, here I come.
Rowdy pulls me in for a hug, careful of my healing ribs. “It’ll be okay, Frankie. I know it.”
I nod into his chest, my tears getting his t-shirt all wet. “I’m sorry I’m crying again.” He’s comforted me so many times over these past weeks. He has to be sick of it by now. I know I am. I’ve never cried so much in my entire life as I have since Gabriel broke my heart and left me a gift to remember him by.
“No apologizing.” He reaches in the back pocket of his jeans and pulls out a travel pack of tissues. “Now, blow your nose, put on your big girl panties, and let’s go inside.”
I pull a tissue from the pack. “Since when do you carry Kleenex around?” His thoughtfulness nearly has me crying again.
“Since my roommate started crying pools of tears on a daily basis.”
“I’m pitiful.” I blow my nose and wipe my tears.
When I’m ready, he grabs my bag, rests his hand on my lower back and urges me forward. “Not pitiful. Just pregnant with a broken heart.”
“You’re gonna make me cry.” My voice cracks as my chin wobbles, and I blink rapidly trying to stop the waterworks.
“It’s okay, Frankie. You cry all you need to. I’ve got broad shoulders to comfort you and enough Kleenex to dry up those tears.” He kisses my head. “And extra t-shirts to catch the rest.”
I lean my head into the crook of his shoulder. “God, Darkboy, what would I do without you?”
He wraps his arm around me, his hand on my waist. “Lucky for both of us, we don’t have to find out.” He stops before the door, his head bent so I can see his full face. “It’s not a one-way street, Frankie. You give as good as you get.” He sighs into my hair and kisses my forehead. “Now, let’s go face that demon you’ve built up in your head.”
“How you doing, Frankie?” Cap enters my office as one of the new guys exits after I treated his pulled muscle.
“I’m good.” I wash my hands and dry them off, my back to him. I need to tell him my situation, but I haven’t cried a tear since I walked in with Rowdy this morning. I’d rather keep it that way. I turn and cross my arms, leaning against the counter. “I was afraid to come back,” my admission comes easier than I thought it would.
He shuts the door and moves farther inside. “I thought maybe that was the case when you didn’t come back after two weeks. I thought for sure you’d show up after week one.” He laughs and steps close enough to rub my arm. “I’m really sorry how things turned out. I never thought Austin was good enough for you, but I had high hopes for Gabriel. I still do.”
“He doesn’t—”
“He does,” Cap interrupts. “He just needs time to get out of his own way. Give him till after his fight to get his head clear.”
