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If that wasn’t enough, she still hadn’t spoken with Fordham.
She blamed the ritual on that. He, after all, was busy translating an ancient text, and she was supposed to be meditating and releasing the tension in her body. But she could admit she was scared.
Scared of the ritual.
Scared of herself.
Scared they wouldn’t make it.
Fordham had never been a sure thing. They had started off more enemies than anything. Falling from enemies to partners to friends to lovers to mates in such effortless fashion that she’d begun to believe that nothing could break that. And now, she didn’t know.
So, she was surprised when a voice behind her said in an almost-teasing tone, “That doesn’t look like meditating.”
Fordham stood with his arms crossed over his broad chest.
“You’re not exactly translating,” she said.
“Danae wanted a break. Her hand was cramping.”
“I can’t concentrate.”
“Why don’t we try something else?” He offered her a hand, and she let him pull her to her feet. “Forget the breathing techniques outlined in the book. You’re too tense. We need to move your body and release that tension.”
“Have something in mind?” she asked, unable to keep the grin from her lips.
“Let’s go through the forms.”
She huffed. “Not exactly what I was hoping for.”
“You need another way to relax?”
“I have one or two suggestions.”
Fordham turned her to face him. She laughed. She hadn’t expected to even see him today, so the light teasing, even without any of the fun alternatives, was worth all of it.
He moved through defensive forms like liquid. So effortless and smooth. Kerrigan mirrored his steps and hand gestures. He wasn’t going through any distinctive pattern, and she let her mind drift as they got into an easy rhythm. He was right, of course. She’d needed this. His guidance, moving her body, all of it. She felt calmer than she had when trying any kind of meditation alone.
“She wasn’t cruel,” Fordham finally said.
Kerrigan was surprised enough that she almost broke out of her next step, but he was using this as an opportunity to talk to her. He’d come to her when he was ready.
“Who?”
“Iris,” he said with a deep emptiness in his voice. “She wasn’t cruel. Not to me at least. She punished others so effectively that it kept me in line, just as she wanted.”
“That’s still terrible.”
“Maybe worse than if she had taken it out on me. I learned early to isolate myself from any and everyone. The friendlier I was with people, the more she used them against me.”
“That is cruel, Ford,” Kerrigan said. “Just because she wasn’t beating you doesn’t mean it wasn’t a manipulative tactic.”
“Well, I never fully broke, and she hated it. When I stopped reacting entirely to her base tactics, she went in another direction.” He grimaced. “She would send female servants to my chambers … as presents.”
“Oh,” Kerrigan whispered.
“I sent them back at first, but she would punish them for not … seducing me properly.”
“I see.”
“No, you don’t,” Fordham said. “I let them stay the night. I told them to tell her we had a good time. I had them explain in detail what we had done so it was convincing. And all the while, I told them stories of you.”
“Of … of me?” Kerrigan whispered.
“They might have all hated me if I hadn’t been so in love with you.”
She swallowed back the emotion building in her throat.
“The rest … it wasn’t good. She killed one of the women I had grown close with. Alita.” He said her name softly and remorsefully. “Alita had confided in me about her love for one of the guards. And then I had to watch her die, slowly and painfully.” Fordham’s eyes were blank as he recited it. “Iris thought it was funny. The guard she was in love with blamed me. Even though they weren’t allowed to leave marks on Iris’s prized gladiator, they would come in at night and assault me.”
“You could have stopped them!”
“I let them. It felt like a suitable punishment for Alita’s death.”
“Oh, Ford …”
“And then you appeared. I thought you were a phantom the first time I saw you. I couldn’t believe that you were still alive after I landed in Domara alone and was swindled into Iris’s care.” His hand went to his throat, breaking the constant movements. “Until the collar.”
Kerrigan took a step forward. “Now, you feel collared all over again because of the Daijan bond?”
He still held his throat. “It’s worse in some ways. Before, I had nothing, and now, it’s all the magic I could have ever wanted, but none of it is mine.”
“I should have just taken your hand,” Kerrigan said. “Taken your hand and run away with you.”
“No,” he said, releasing his throat but taking a step back. “No, you needed to meet your mother. I needed the collar removed. We need to restore your magic. It all happened as it should. I just … wasn’t prepared for another leash. I don’t know how to live with this one.”
