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“Agreed,” I say. “Love you guys.”
“We love you too, buddy,” Rae says, kissing my cheek. “Now, let’s eat.”
With that, we all climb off the couch to sit around the coffee table and eat.
Today has been emotional whiplash, but I’m thankful that amid the chaos, I have this safe space, even if it’s not the one I’m aching for right now.
Amelia
“Tea for the ladies,” Jesse says, setting two mugs on the coffee table for Dani and me.
I almost chased Miles when he left, but my pride wouldn’t let me. Instead, I sank onto the couch and called Dani. She showed up a few minutes later with Jesse. He gave me a big hug, and I cried on his shoulder like the hot mess I am. He took it all in stride. Now I’m snuggled on the couch with Dani, feeling an array of ugly emotions and still trying to hold back more.
Jesse’s phone pings and he says, “I’m going to pick up the food. Be back soon.” He kisses Dani’s temple and squeezes my arm, then heads for the door.
My phone vibrates against the coffee table, and I glance at it. Wondering if it’s Miles. Wondering what the hell to say if it is. Part of me regrets what I said, but another piece stands by it. I’m a jumbled mess of conflicting feelings I don’t want to feel in the first place.
Dani grabs my phone and looks at it. “It’s from Rae. She just wanted to let you know Miles is there.”
“Oh. Okay. Good.”
“You know, it’s okay to talk about it. It doesn’t have to make sense. It doesn’t even have to be English. It can be random syllables. Getting it out helps.”
I told her the gist of what happened with Miles but didn’t get into the question behind it all, the word I hate.Why?
“I don’t know what to say.”
She inhales deeply, looking at me seriously. “Ames, I love you. I always want to support you, but I’d be a pretty crappy best friend if I wasn’t honest with you. What you’re doing, closing off, it’s not helping you. It’s hurting you every single time you choose to do it. I don’t know what’s going on in your head, but I know that holding everything in and trying to power through it doesn’t work. If you’re struggling so much that you’re pushing people you love away, you need to get help. I know there’s a stigma attached to that. I know it’s scary, but you don’t have to handle everything on your own, and with the amount of trauma you’ve been through, I don’t think you should. There are great online companies now that match you with therapists and you don’t even have to leave the house. Or the couch.” She gives me a soft smile. “I won’t lecture you, but I had to say my piece. Because if you can’t let Miles in, how are you going to let her in?” She rests her hand on my stomach.
Tears rush to my eyes. I rest my head against Dani’s. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Everything hurts.”
“It’s not going to magically stop. I hate that. I wish it could because you don’t deserve all the pain you’ve been through, but you get a choice on what happens now and how you handle it.”
I let out a shaky breath. “You might be right about therapy.”
“Of course I am.” She smiles at me, then pulls me into her arms.
“I’m sorry. I’ve been a sucky friend to you lately. We’ve hardly even talked about your wedding, and it’s in three months.”
“You’re not a sucky friend. You have a lot going on. I’m the crazy one who picked a wedding date just a few weeks after you’re due.”
“You wanted to get married on the anniversary of when you started dating. That’s adorable. And you should have the best celebration. I’m sorry I haven’t been a bigger part of it.”
“You’ve done plenty. My mom, Olivia, Amanda, and Jesse’s mom have done a lot of the big planning. You help me whenever I have to decide what I truly want. I’ve needed that.”
“I’ve kept Olivia on course with your bachelorette party too.”
“Much appreciated. If I could, I’d have you both be maids of honor, but I think Olivia might cut you if I did that.”
I laugh. “She deserves the role. I’m happy I get to be a part of it. I never thought I’d have this.”
“You’re stuck with it now.”
“Thank God. I’d be an even bigger wreck without you.”
