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“Fried rice,” I say without a thought.
“Perfect, it’s still warm. Go sit down on the couch, and I’ll bring some out.”
“Thank you.”
She waves her hand. “Go on.”
I make my way to the living room, still in shock and humbled. It seems like every day there’s something new to be humbled by.
Katie dishes up the fried rice and sits down on the couch with me. “Don’t worry, I won’t press you about talking or anything else. Know I’m here if you want to, though.”
“I appreciate that. Both things. I’m not really ready to talk—not about everything, at least.”
“That’s fine.”
“Is it? Because I feel like I’m screwing up by not talking about things.”
She sets her bowl down and looks at me seriously. “Not talking about things in general is not the best plan, but I also know all too well that you can’t make anyone do something they don’t want to do.”
“Am I hurting Miles? Should I let him be here even though I feel like I need space?”
“Only you can answer the second part of that. As for the first thing, you’d have to ask him, but I imagine the hurt goes both ways. Him pushing you to talk probably hurts you.”
“Is it wrong that he wants me to?”
“No.”
“So I should be talking to him?”
She laughs. “Honey, there are no black and white answers. We live in shades of gray. My son doesn’t do terribly well with that. It’s not my job to tell you what works for your relationship. It’s your job. All you can do is the best you can with the tools you have.”
“Dani suggested therapy.”
“It’s not a bad idea. And unless you’re in love with your therapist and trying to stalk them, therapy is literally never a bad idea.” My eyebrows shoot up. “Trust me. It’s happened. Not to me, thankfully, but as a therapist, you get all kinds.”
“Wow.”
She picks up her bowl again and eats a few bites before saying, “No relationship is perfect, though I’m sure it seems that way at times. Andy and I have had rough patches, but what matters is that we worked through them. It’s hard to find common ground, but it’s important. Life doesn’t get easier. Learning about your own mental health, trauma, and triggers and how to work with your partner is essential to making it as a couple. You and Miles are still learning, and I don’t doubt your love for my son. With time, effort, trust, and plenty of grace, you’ll get through it.”
“You make it sound simple.”
“The words are simple. It’s the action that’s tough.”
“Well said.”
She nods toward my bowl. “Eat up. There are plenty of goodies for dessert.” She grabs the remote and turns up the volume on the rom-com I picked, and we focus on our food.
Well, I try to, but really I’m eating robotically as I think through everything Katie said. In the past, I’ve always tried to face things head-on. I remember telling Miles that not dealing with things makes them fester and get worse. Yet here I am. The second the pain became too scary to face, I couldn’t take my own advice, and I still can’t.
I don’t know how to climb out of this hole I’ve dug myself into, but if I don’t try, I probably never will.
Dani’s right. I need therapy. If only that didn’t sound so daunting. And terrifying.
It’s probably not terrifying, actually. I’m just a chicken, too afraid to face my own feelings.
I down another spoonful of fried rice like it’ll fix my problems.
Yep. A big, fat chicken.
