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“When the moms get started, they don’t really know how to stop,” Mackie says as she stares at the refrigerator.
Rae looks down at the bag of takeout they brought. “I guess we really didn’t need to bring food. Clearly, we underestimated. I should’ve known. My mom said she helped.”
“She also wrote me a sweet note.”
“That’s Mom. She’s a lot like our grandma was,” Sarah says.
“So are both of you,” Mackie adds. “Caretakers.”
I feel their eyes drift to me. “No. You can feed me, but that is the only caretaking happening tonight. I need a break from thinking about things and to focus on something else.”
“It’s unlikely that will happen,” Amanda says with a smile. “We always circle around to the hard stuff.”
“Fine, but I need food first. I’m about to go straight for the ice cream cake.”
Dani and Jesse’s friend, Garrett, who owns a local ice cream and dessert shop, sent an ice cream cake along with Dani tonight. There was a note with it that saidI know how hard it is to let down your walls, but I’ve learned no matter what, ice cream helps.So, apparently everyone knows about this.
Small towns.Cult-like friend groups.
I smile to myself. They’remycult.
We end up eating family style, sitting around the coffee table in the living room. To my surprise, the conversation stays lighter. This is mostly due to Hyla regaling us with hilarious flight attendant stories. I’m still getting to know her, but it’s cool to see her living her passion.
I haven’t even thought much about law school lately. But if I can’t handle living my life as is, I probably don’t need to add a law program into the mix.
When I get up to make tea, something that has become a comforting ritual each night, Rae and Sarah join me in the kitchen.
“Are you going to hit me if I ask how you’re doing?” Rae asks with a smile.
“Hit? No. Glare at? Probably.” I smirk back at her. “The honest answer is, I don’t know.”
“That’s fair,” Sarah says.
I sigh as I look at her. “I know you want to say something.”
Her eyes are gentle as she looks at me, but when she speaks, her voice is strong. “I ended up in a pretty horrible place because I tried to face things on my own. Or not face them at all. There were multiple reasons for my mental health being in such a bad place, but the biggest was a whole lot of unresolved trauma. Trauma is complicated. It eats away at you, and then it twists your reality. It clouds your judgment and makes everything seem worse and lonelier. It toys with your mental health until you don’t know which way is up. I’m not going to ask if that’s how you feel. I simply want you to know that if you feel that way, you are not alone. The only way to heal from trauma is to deal with it. Usually that takes a lot of help. I guess what I’m saying is, take your time and the space you need, but don’t push it all away for so long that you end up like I did.”
“Noted. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle everything. Add in being pregnant, and it’s hard to breathe sometimes. Having someone else trying to help me through it, giving suggestions, anything… it’s too much. Worrying about someone else’s feelings when I can barely handle my own is too much. That probably sounds ridiculous.”
I look at them and notice Sarah staring at Rae.
“Not ridiculous at all. For as happy as Aaron and I are, it took a long time to get there. I always wanted to run from him—and everyone—when I struggled. I was so afraid that anyone else’s feelings would overwhelm me that I didn’t want to talk about it. Eventually, I realized I was hurting myself and the people I love more by doing that. When I finally opened up to Aaron and let all my walls down in a rough moment, it changed my perspective because afterward all I felt was relief. It took a lot of time for me to get there, though. I wasn’t the only one who struggled. Aaron was having a rough time at the start of our freshman year of college and he completely shut down. Refused to let me in. It’s part of what led to our breakup. We were apart for almost a year, and it was rough, but it took time for us to learn enough about ourselves and each other to push through all the walls we built. I’m not saying that’s what will happen with you and Miles. He’s very different from Aaron and me. I guess I just want you to know there’s no judgment here, and you’re not alone in how you’re feeling.”
I nod slowly. “Thank you. I appreciate that.”
“Ah, excuse me! What is happening over there? No subparties!” Hyla yells from the living room.
I quickly pour my tea as Rae and Sarah make their way back to the living room.
“Sorry. Coming,” I call as I finish pouring my tea and head for the couch.
I remember the first time Dani dragged me to a girls’ night with all of them. It was overwhelming, and I thought they were a little crazy. I also felt like a fraud among fierce women who would talk so openly about their pain and struggles.
A lot has changed since then, but the love and support that flows through the group has not. I’m glad I’ve learned to accept it now, even if I still feel like the fraud of the group because I’m not being transparent with them and breaking down my walls. They all say they understand, but this isn’t who I want to be. I want to be as open with them as they are with me.
I have to figure out what I’m doing.
And I need to figure out things with Miles. I don’t want to end up apart from him long term. I don’t even want to be apart from him for a month, but I have to figure out what I’m doing and how to handle my shit before I talk to him about any of it because I want to fix what I’ve done wrong and get this right with him.
