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“Okay, thanks.” Aaron sweeps his hand through my hair and rests his head against mine. “You are strong and amazing. I love you, and I’ll be right here waiting when you’re done.”
“Make sure you take care of yourself. Eat something. Love you.”
He gives me a soft kiss, then the nurse and the anesthesiologist wheel me out of the room. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Six years ago, he was right by my side when I had surgery. Not because he had to be, but because he chose to be. We’ve made it through all kinds of things since then, and I know we’ll get through this, but it hurts. In every way, it hurts. I’m almost glad I’ll be in surgery and won’t have to think about it for a little while, but mostly I’m grateful that when I come out and have to face it all again, I’ll have the best support system in the world while I do.
Miles
Parking near the hospital was a living hell. If my mother saw me cussing over the old lady who cut me off for a parking space, I’d be on the receiving end of a withering glare and brutal lecture. I don’t care, though. She cut me off, and I was about to jump out of the car and fight her for it.
Road work plus all the renovations they’ve been doing on the hospital mean we had to park three blocks away and we’re here much later than I wanted to be. Sarah was just getting to the hospital when she called me. I haven’t heard anything from her except to tell me where they are, and I’m going insane.
Amelia digs her fingers into my arm. “Miles.”
“What?” I ask, turning to look at her. She’s panting.
“I need you to slow down. I know you’re worried, but… I can’t go that fast. I’m sorry.”
I run my hands down her arms. “Fuck, I’m sorry. Do you need to sit or rest? I’ll go slower. I don’t want you to trip or fall.” I put my hand on her stomach. “Are you okay?”
She rests her hand on my cheek. “I’m fine. I know you want to get to your friends, but you have to take a breath. I can feel your panic. Lean on me.” She holds her hand up, still catching her breath. “Not literally.” I laugh in spite of the darkness I feel. “I’m here for you. Let me in.”
I press a kiss to her forehead. “I know. I’m sorry. This shit… this is the kind of stuff that makes me panic. When the people I love are sick or hurt or in danger and I can’t do anything.” I shove my hand through my hair and admit the truth I didn’t realize until this morning. “It’s worse with Rae.”
Amelia tips her head to the side, looking at me in surprise. “Why Rae?”
I bite down hard on my cheek. I miss my mask. I miss being able to put it on and get through things. With Amelia, it’s nonexistent. She sees right through it, and she makes me so vulnerable everyone else does too.
These memories are painful, and they still haunt me at times. Today? It’s triggering one of the moments where I felt the most out of control.
“Rae was assaulted junior year at a party.”
“She’s mentioned that before. Some guy dragged her away or something?”
“I saw. I watched him drag her off the dance floor, and I was about to go beat his ass, but then I realized he was leading her right to a room guarded by two other huge football players. One was taller than me. I couldn’t take all three, and I was worried she’d get hurt in the process, or worse, that I wouldn’t be able to stop them and she would have…”Fuck. I hate remembering this.I’ve never felt weaker or more useless in my life. Amelia squeezes my hand. “I had to make a choice, and leaving her with him so I could go get the guys was the most helpless I’ve ever felt in my life. Knowing I was leaving her alone with him…”
“You were doing the best you could in an impossible situation.”
“I know. But that’s the thing. Feeling helpless always bothered me. It made my anxiety worse. Since then, it’s been a horrible trigger for me. When Aaron broke through the door of that room, the guy had Rae by the hair. I kept thinking there must have been some other solution and wondering why I couldn’t have done something more. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I had nightmares about it for months, and every so often, I still do. Knowing she’s in the hospital and something’s wrong—I feel helpless all over again. Because it’s Rae, I feel like I did that night.”
I’m acutely aware how ridiculous and crazy I sound, but it’s the truth. Standing here staring at a hospital when I have no idea what’s happening with Rae feels like I’m staring at her from across the room watching her get dragged away. I can’t help. I can’t make sure she’s safe.
“Look at me,” Amelia says softly. I pull my gaze from the hospital and look at her. “You are so wonderfully kind. Your love for the people in your life knows no bounds, and it’s a beautiful thing that you want to protect them, but life won’t always allow that. I know better than most people do, you can’t stop the painful things from happening. All you can do is face them. Well, you can run from them, but they always catch up to you. I can’t take your fears or anxiety from you, just like you can’t take this pain and struggle from your friends, but you can stand by them while they face it. Just like I’ll be holding your hand whileyouface this.” She squeezes my hands. “Let’s go deal with it. Together.”
I stare at her for a moment more, then look back at the hospital. Nodding, I take her hand and start walking again, forcing myself to go at a reasonable pace this time. When we get to the hospital, we head for the waiting room Sarah said they were in—the only update she gave me.
When we get there, we find Sarah, Joel, Mackenzie, Rae’s parents, and Aaron’s parents there waiting. Sarah and Mackie both get up and walk over to us.
“What’s happening? How is she?” I ask, heart in my throat.
“She’s going to be okay,” Sarah says calmly. I recognize this calm. It’s her nurse calm. The stay-cool-in-a-shitty-situation calm. Sarah doesn’t panic. She handles things. Weirdly, this reaction makes me more worried. Sarah bites her lip and looks at Mackie, who nods. “I didn’t want to tell you this over text, especially because…” She trails off, looking at Amelia, and I don’t understand. It’s taking everything inside me not to yell because I need to know what’s going on.
“Sarah, please, just tell us.”
“Sorry. Rae’s bleeding isn’t from her period.”
Amelia inhales sharply. “Oh…”
What the fuck am I missing?
