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I laugh as their voices trail off. “They remind me of Sarah and Rae.”
Miles laughs. “Yeah, but withwaymore drama. And believe me, that’s saying something.”
We all share a laugh at that, then Andy and Katie squeeze in close to go through the ultrasound photos.
“Are you excited or did you want a boy? Or are you team Jameson and we shouldn’t define the gender yet? There’s no wrong way to do it,” Katie says as we stand in the kitchen making tea.
I laugh at that. “Well, I think Jameson wants a goth baby, but I’m not against some black in the wardrobe. I don’t…” I trail off. It’s hard to admit my complicated emotions when I don’t fully understand them all.
“Come here.” She leads me over to the dining room table, and I sit down. She sits kitty corner from me at the head of the table and scooches her chair over, taking my hand. “What is it?”
“Going through all of this without my mother is hard enough. Something about having a girl makes it hurt worse.”
She rests her hand on mine. Her skin is baby soft. I don’t know how she does it. Some magical lotion probably. Or genetics. Miles has soft skin, too. When you look at him, you’d think his hands would be rough and calloused, but they’re not. They’re soft and well-manicured. That’s Miles, though. Meticulous in all things.
“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know… it’s not the same, and I’d never want it to be, but I’m here for you. If you need a mom hug or advice, you can always come to me. I’m good at lectures, too.” She winks at me. “And if you just need to talk, I’m always here to listen.”
“I appreciate that,” I sniff. “Some days…” I blow out a breath. “It’s so hard grieving for someone who’s still alive.”
She nods. “You’re allowed to feel the complexities of that. You’ve been through a lot in your life, and it breaks my heart that you’ve had to go it alone, but now that you have this support system, it’s okay to go back and work on healing the pieces of you that you had to triage in the past. We’ll all be here to support you.” She clears her throat. “It’s not the same, but you might consider going to talk with Kara. She lost her mom last year. They were incredibly close, and she’s still dealing with a lot of the pain from that. It might help you to have someone who can at least somewhat relate to talk to.”
“Thank you. For everything. I can’t imagine going through this on my own—actually, I can. I would’ve compartmentalized and eventually that would’ve come back to haunt me.” I rest my hand on my stomach. “I don’t want that to happen now.” Or hurt my daughter because of it.
She squeezes my hand. “Then don’t let it.” The tea kettle whistles, so I follow her back into the kitchen. “When are you planning to go see your mother? I can come if you’d like.”
“Tomorrow evening. I was going to ask if maybe you’d go on Sunday and talk with her about it, too. The more opportunities to be excited about it… I think she’d want that.” It’s what I’d want. If it were me. If it ends up being me.
I quickly pull my phone out and open the notes app, then type out a reminder for myself.Start writing letters for the baby now. Figure out good intervals to write/give them.
I’d kill for more of her handwriting or one last piece of advice. If I can give my daughter that one day or give her a reprieve from this pain, I want to do that.
Katie turns and hands me a mug of my favorite tea. She started keeping it on hand after I mentioned I love it. Such a mom thing to do.
“I would be happy to go over on Sunday.”
“Thank you. I’m going to frame one of the ultrasound pictures for her tonight so I can add it to her wall.”
“That’ll make her happy. She loves those pictures. Even the ‘wedding’ one of you and Miles.”
Miles photoshopped our faces onto a stock wedding photo. My mother was thrilled. He’s still her favorite person. Mine too. I feel a sudden jab against my bladder. Yeah, okay, he has some competition from this spicy little girl.
“Yes. Miles tells her a different fictional wedding story every time she mentions it.”
“That’s sweet.”
“You raised a good man,” I tell her, my voice breaking.
“Oh, honey. I appreciate that. Come here.” She pulls me into her arms, and I melt into the hug. There’s something about a mom hug that’s irreplaceable. Warmth, safety, and calm all rolled into one.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you too.” She pulls away and kisses my cheek, then says, “What do you say we go bust out Miles’s baby pictures?”
I laugh at that. “You’ve been waiting to embarrass him with those for a long time, haven’t you?”
She loops her arm through mine. “Way too long.”
Laughing, we make our way to the living room.
