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“Oh my gosh! A girl…” Dani shakes her head as she looks at the ultrasound pictures. “Can you imagine Miles as a girl dad? She’s going to have him wrapped around her finger.”
“Completely,” I say with a smile as I munch on some—fully cooked and safe to eat—sushi while snuggled in the corner of Dani’s massive, insanely comfortable couch. The one we have is nice, but this is next level. Spicy crab sushi is food of the gods and I will hear no arguments. “Honestly, picturing Miles being obsessed with her—which I already know he will be—is the one thing making me truly happy about this right now.”
She reaches over and squeezes my hand. “Sorry, babe.”
“It’s fine. Ish. I don’t know. I want to be excited. I feel guilty that I’m not. It’s the same feeling I’ve had since the beginning of the pregnancy. I want this baby. I love her already, but that excitement I want to feel isn’t there most of the time. This is my first pregnancy—it might be my only one. I feel like I’m squandering it. Then I think maybe the baby will know, and I’ll never be able to connect with her properly because I’m damaging her in some way.”
“Okay, slow down. You aren’t damaging your baby by having conflicting emotions. The connection you want will build in time, especially as you heal more.”If I can heal from all this. How do you heal when the wound keeps getting ripped open?“Remember that list you told me about when I found you puking and crying in the bathroom?”
“A lovely memory. But yes.”
“Follow your plan. Take it a day at a time. Nothing happens like magic. Everything important grows over time.”
I squint at her. “You’re not too bad at the advice thing.”
She glances over toward the fireplace at a picture of her with her grandmother. “I learned from the best.”
Loss is lonely, but it is not solitary. Everyone experiences it at some point, and while I wish that somehow made it easier to bear, it doesn’t really, it just makes it more normal to live through.
Miles
“Hello?” I call, walking in the back door of the farmhouse. I’m instantly hit with the smell of melted chocolate and something sugary baking.
“Kitchen,” Rae calls, not that I needed the direction. I’m following my nose.
I walk in and see an array of mixing bowls and cooling cookies, along with a half-empty dishwasher. Rae is leaning against the counter licking brownie batter off a spatula.
“It smells incredible in here.”
“Thank you.”
“My mouth is watering,” I say, stepping closer and looking to see if there’s any more brownie batter in that bowl. She holds up a spatula, and I reach for it, but she yanks it back before I can take it.
“This is payment for your silence. You’re not going to text my husband and tell him I’m on my feet and baking up a storm. I’ll ask for forgiveness later while giving him treats. And maybe a blowjob.” She mutters that last part under her breath.
I let out a deep laugh and take the spatula. “Your secret is safe with me.” I snag the bowl off the counter and run the spatula around the edges, getting as much of the leftover batter as I can. “So, Aaron is still waiting on you hand and foot?”
She sighs and nods. “And requiring me to stay in bed as often as possible. It’s been almost a month. I’m fully recovered now—physically. He’s treating me like I’m fragile, though. He’s only letting me go do outreach and the support group if he or Chelsea drives me.”
I shrug and lick the last bit of batter off the spatula. “Can’t say I blame him.”
She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, Amelia has mentioned your protectiveness as well. How’s she doing, by the way? Other than in the group text, I haven’t talked to her lately.”
I look down. “Uh, yeah. She was worried about…”
Rae steps forward and rests her hand on my arm. “I’m okay. Yes, seeing her the first couple of days after it happened would’ve been rough, but now? It’s fine. In fact, seeing a healthy pregnancy is a positive thing. So, feel free to talk about her and the pregnancy and please tell her not to avoid me.”
“Will do.”
“So…”
We were going to tell everyone when we get together for dinner next week, but I might as well tell her now. “Amelia is good. Both my girls are.”
She smiles. Then her eyes widen. She points at me. “Oh my god! You’re having a girl?” I nod and she pulls me into her arms. “Congratulations.” Then she laughs. “Oh, you are so screwed.”
I laugh too. “Yeah, I know. But I’m so fucking excited.”
“And everything’s good?”
