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Still, I got us inside the house and took him to the attic stairs, but he stopped me before we climbed. I was kissed tenderly, a brush of his lips on mine and then he said, “I can’t believe how much I want to do that.”
“The gay is just coming out of you now, huh?”
“Yeah. You brought it out in me.”
“Good.”
He kissed me, lingering against my lips. “Mmm. That is so different than I thought.”
“What did you think?”
“Rougher? I don’t know. Don’t pay attention to me, I’m going to be in awe a lot, I’m sure.”
I took his hand and led him up the stairs, pulling him into the room fully before wrapping him in my arms and kissing him again. In awe, well, he wasn’t the only one. He kissed like I imagined, perfectly, but still, it was even better than I’d imagined, when I’d let myself dream that way.
We sat together on the mattress on the floor. “Sorry, the accommodations aren’t…like you’re used to. This is Joel’s little hideaway when I’m not staying here. He likes it comfortable and…well, casual.”
“This reminds me of my hideaway. I had an attic room when I was a kid that was similar to this. There was a bed on a frame, though, and that was it except this old black and white television that had been stored up in that room. Without cable, I couldn’t get much except PBS, but it was mine. My room no one else knew about.”
“Where you’d dream.”
He smiled over at me and said, “Yes. I’d dream. I wished for that room recently, to be truthful. It’s converted into a real storage now; all the Christmas and holiday decorations are stored there. Still, I wanted a place I could think about you, and it would be, well, okay to do that.”
It sounded like my own dilemma. “I didn’t let myself think about you like that unless I was alone, and still it’s been only recently. Before that, I didn’t dare to think about it.”
“I should have…done or said something sooner. I had to be sure, Kanan. I mean, to be so attracted to someone of the same sex when all your life you think you’re only attracted to women, it’s intense. I felt something the second I saw you. It felt like, I don’t know…”
“A punch in the chest?”
“A little,” he agreed, chuckling quietly. “Still feels that way.”
From the one lock of hair that hung to his eyebrow when his hair wasn’t combed back to the line that was deepest at the corner of his eye, I had memorized his face. That realization was strange for me. “Rick, I want you to be sure.”
“That’s what I came tonight to tell you. I came to do the big reveal after we spoke a bit again. It’s been rough, trying to come to terms with it, and then when I did, I felt like a pretender, because I wasn’t sure how it all worked.”
“What?”
“Men approaching men, men kissing men, men making love with men, you name it.” The blush I’d seen across his nose came brightly then and I lay my head on his shoulder.
“It’s like anything else. Some come naturally, and some take practice. I’m not pushing you to jump into bed and know all the moves, Rick. I’d like us to take things at your pace, in your time, because, well, for me, right now, I feel like the novice.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
“I was hurt, then I’m here and falling for a guy I just knew could never love me like that. Then the hinting that it could be true. I’m almost as confused and scared as you likely are.”
The top of my head was kissed and then Rick moved so we were facing one another. “Kanan, I’m flying mostly blind, but I’ve been reading. I’ve watched a few things, and not just on streaming porn sites, I swear.”
I laughed at that. “I could be a great coach for you. By the way,” I said, grabbing his mask from his front pocket. “Where did you get this?”
“I know a site where they sell things like this. And to be honest, I didn’t lie when I told you I’d been interested in this lifestyle in the past. I’ve explored it, loved it, but there were difficulties for me.”
“Like?”
I was raptly listening, not expecting so much as picture Rick in leather. “I loved the idea of it from, oh, a long time ago. I dated a woman who was into it and took me to a few parties and a club while we dated. The thing is, I kind of hate admitting the rest.”
Fear struck me. “Why?”
He blushed again, calming my fears. It seemed to be embarrassing rather than something terrible. “I discovered I was a chauvinistic pig. See, I wanted to get…rough. I had this urge to get rough, but I’d been raised to treat women…softly. My girlfriend wanted rough, and I couldn’t give it to her. I was called many names, and she broke it off that very night I confessed it to her. I wasn’t in love with her or anything, but she helped me discover I loved the lifestyle. I just couldn’t do things to her.”
