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“Freaking parents, man.”
Again, I was being called a parent, and it scared me shitless. I wanted to be their parent, sure, but…
“So, date night tomorrow, but if it’s okay, I need to run a few errands today,” I said to Rick.
He was frustrated again. “You don’t have to ask, Kanan.”
“I’m not asking my boyfriend. I’m asking my boss.”
“Oh! Oh, well, I can handle things around here. Yeah, yeah, go ahead, do what you need. We’ll be fine.”
“Good.”
I showered quickly, got dressed and was out the door as soon as I could manage, and I sat in my car on the outside of the gate, wondering where the hell I was going.
I felt like I’d shake apart, the fear that spread through me was overwhelming. I didn’t know where to go, but I had to talk to someone, or I’d lose it.
The only two I truly could relate to were Eli and Noah. Not only were they in a relationship like mine, but they were also thinking of becoming parents. I drove to their ranch, fearful they’d be out working, but I was happily surprised when I stopped at their gate, and Eli was just opening it.
He gave me a wave then I drove through after him. He closed the gate behind us, and stopped at my car, leaning in as I rolled down the window to the freezing air. “Kan, what’s up?”
“I need to talk. I’m…freaking out.”
“Oh, hell. Follow me up and come into the house. I’ll make coffee.”
“Thanks.”
When I was in the warmth of their home, sitting on the sofa with a thick mug of coffee in my hands and the crackle of the fireplace as my backup music, I told Eli everything that had been happening.
“I mean, I love them. The entire family is like a dream come true. I can’t ever say that enough, but…”
Eli stopped my tirade. “Kanan, you’ve just had your heart broken. You don’t think I questioned it over and over when Noah and I got together? I made him crazy; he made me crazy, we both worried, but that’s totally normal. I swear it is.”
“I know that’s logical, but Eli, to be fair, you guys didn’t have kids in the mix. Now, you’re so sure that you’re thinking of adding to your family. How? How did you get here? How’d you even know it was okay to get married?”
Eli sat deep in the cushions, his eyes on the fire. “Man, I struggled. Burke heard it all, how worried I was, right before my wedding. And then, on our wedding day when I saw him, Noah…It made me sure. I looked into his eyes, then I heard his vows and saw how serious he was when he said them. That’s all I needed.”
“We just got together. Marriage, if we ever do, is a long way off.”
“Sure, but you did it in a different order than me. With you, the kids came even before the relationship, and that was how it was for Rick too. They come first for you both, which is obvious. You are so worried about them that you refuse to get too comfortable in your relationship. Maybe that’s good. We should never be too comfortable, but you have to be sure about him.”
“I am. I’m just scared. Like you said, I was just booted out of a committed relationship. I may have trust issues.”
Eli stopped me there. “Do you trust him?”
I didn’t answer immediately, mostly because I felt myself smiling. “I trust him.”
“That must come first. You have that, so what’s next?”
“After trust?” I had no clue where he was going with the conversation, but I’d gone to him for advice, so I tried to stay patient although my entire being was on edge.
“Yes. Love.”
Relaxing, I laughed a little nervously, then nodded. “Check.”
“And then?”
“Eli! I’m floundering here.”
